Just Saying Hai

My homework is printing and I figured it wouldn’t kill me to pop something up here real quick.

I can’t remember what I posted last and I haven’t very much time here. So, I don’t think I mentioned that all Daniel wanted from me was sex, so I broke up with the greedy insensitive jerk ummm, 5 months ago? I dunno exactly, last few days of school though. And good riddence if he wants to treat me like that.

On another, happier, yet more awkward note….Me and Mitch…Yeah….he lives in Canada and he’s 25. So what? Yeah, you can just deal….while the two of us sort out why we like each other and what exactly we’re gonna do about it. And I’ll tell you if I feel like it so there/if you just ask me prolly.

-Jess

^.^

Downtown Song-Anberlin

[Verse 1]
Hey up town girl
Can you hear this down town song?
Wrote a couple of words to tell you
Right here is where you belong

I bet you walk the streets
Wondering who you’re thinking of
Hope you’re looking for someone to hold
And not at all in love

[Pre-chorus]
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind

[Chorus]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me, yeah

[Verse 2]
I keep asking myself
If our hands were meant to be
I know this town is busy,
But I live on Public Street

We can get out of here
If only for just tonight
Ride like some Rollin stone
That’s forced to waste your life

[Pre-chorus]
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind

[Chorus]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me

[Verse 3]
When I’m under (when I’m under)
Is it me you’re thinking of?
With this light (get on your knees)
I pray you’re not at all in love

With someone else (with someone new)
With something other than me and you
Just wanna be where you are (Just where you are)
If ever you’re lonely I won’t be far

[Bridge]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know

Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me, yeah

Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me

^That’s just the song I got my new site name from for those of you that know/care.

So I got my first boyfriend since….Wyatt. And he’s amazing!!!!! and that’s all you know for now ^.^

I’ve Realized

I’m pretty good at fucking up my life. It’s gotta be like a skill or something. Maybe I should get an achievement for that *snickers*

Anyways, reacently, I realized I’m depressed. Not because of something new or anything. I just am. And it’s a bit of a problem. Because it’s not something I know how to fix. I’ve tried chocolates, being ahealth freak, exercise, fighting, being a loner, and “talking about my feelings” but none of it really helps. So why complain here? Well why the hell not?

I’ll admit, I’m a little jealous Wyatt has a girlfriend, and I’m still single. Granted, I probably deserve to be single, but that doesn’t make it any less lonely now does it? And yeah I know there’s a handful of guys that want to go out with me, but I’m still to damn picky. I refuse to date someone that won’t make me happy. Or that I don’t think will make me happy. Or any 1 of 500 different things. I’m a mess, what can I say?

But damn…Wyatt can’t be the only guy I ever love that’ll love me back…right? I mean, I’m not gonna be alone forever. Right? *sigh* I worry too much. But I can’t help myself.

And blah blah blah I just keep complaining. I just keep feeling sorry for myself. And you know what, my life doesn’t even suck that much! But if you don’t wanna wallow in my pit of self pity…don’t, just leave. I don’t give a fuck anymore. I mean it’s not like most of the people in my life give a fuck about me anyways. Oh yeah sure, there’s a few who do. But they’re few and far apart. Probably, I’d say right now there’s 3. And 2 of em don’t even live here, and the 3rd probably won’t even admit that he’s the 3rd. So, what else is new?

I’m tired. And I need to stop this, I’m not helping anything. Hell, maybe I’m making things worse. Seriously though? It doesn’t matter, I’m just gonna shut myself up now.

What a wonderful mess

Long time no see. I don’t even really know where to start.

Well, for one I just read Wyatt’s blog  for the first time since, well I don’t even know since when. It sounds like he’s not doing too good. Not too good at all. I wish I could help but…I don’t know how, and at this point I feel like trying to help, even with good intentions, would probably just make things worse. As much as I hate to admit it, the best thing I can do for him is leave him alone unless he asks for my help. On the off chance that happens, I’ll do everything I can…as it is, I just hope that somehow, things turn out ok.

On a different, much more selfish note; Kevin. I saw him on Friday. It was, I guess funny is the only way to describe what that was like. We acted kind of like we did when we first met. Speaking more through Katie than to each other. Both of us kind of shy. Neither one of us mentioned anything that had previously happened between us, including our ongoing silence. And as much as I just wanted to throw myself on him and cover him with hugs and kisses, I was just so happy to be able to talk to him. It was like, I dunno, a small sip of water when you’re stuck in a desert. Not enough, and horribly teasing, but you’re still greatful for what you got. If that makes any sense. I got that analogy from Ironside, although not word for word.

So between then and now several things have gone through my head. At first I decied that the best course of action would be to present Kevin with a choice, more of a dilemma really: Either he can honestly tell me he doesn’t want me-in which case I prolly go be pathetic and cry, but eventually get over myself; or he does want me-in which case we figure out what the hell is going on between us, and try to make it work. Realistically? I bet on him not knowing. The next day, after readingabout 300 pages of romance novels, I decided my best option was to basically ask him out….waay too bold, and waay stupid. Katie comfirmed that. First option made more sense. So of course after calling him, and him not answering, and me being too unsure of myself to leave a message just yet, I sat and thought things over. For one, I don’t really need him to be my boyfriend. As much as I want his love and continued caresses, they aren’t what I miss most about him. Not to be totally blunt but, it’s not too hard to find a guy that’s willing to commit physically to me. Well, maybe not commit, but you get the point. Don’t get me wrong I’m not that kind of girl, but if I really wanted that…well it could be done. What I really miss about Kevin is waking up and calling him at 6 in the morning. Having his voice be the first I hear, if only for 5 minutes. Having pointless endless philosophical discussions that never ended and never turned into fights. Talking about school, and listening to him, and sports, and exercise. And knowing we agreed, and that we both cared. Just, talking. And it was ok if we didn;t have anything to talk about. It wasn’t like we tried to fill the silence, but the silence wasn’t painful either. But never did we sit in silence, because we weren’t talking just to waste time, we were talking because we enjoyed it. We enjoyed each other. I miss the friend part of the idea of him being my boyfriend. Even though he was never mine. Furthermore, today I realized something else. If it meant I could talk to him, I would be willing to let him remain undecided on the matter of what the hell is going on between us. If he wanted, I’d even not mention it. Not even mention us kissing or anything like that. Now of course he couldn’t be off the hook that easy, I’d still be in love with him, at least for a while. And if he ever figured his own feelings out, it would still mean the world to me if he’d tell me what was going on. But…Kevin means more to me than physical affection.

So I’m not going to even try and call him again until this weekend. Partially because at this rate I’ll have an entirely different perspective by then. Partially because I have no desire to seem any more clingy than I already am. Partially due to finals, and my need to study. And also because it’s entirely likely I’ll lose my nerve, and perhaps, it’s better not to call him just yet. If he doesn’t want to talk to me yet, I should quit trying to force myself on him. If I do call him, I’ll leave a message then, and that will be that until I see him at New Jack. Which it looks like he might seriously go to. But that has some weird potential what with my parents going and all.

Again, on another note, David isn’t talking to me. I’m like 95% sure that’s my fault, the other 5% is because I know some of it isn’t. Although in all honesty I don’t know how much. I’m also pretty sure I was little harsher than I should’ve been the last time we talked and…well. That was a mistake, part of it was that in a kind of mean way I wanted to get back at him a little, show him that words can hurt even if the intention behind them isn’t mean. Mostly though, I was trying to make a point, one that I feel I’ve handled perhaps too gently in the past, because I didn’t want to hurt him. But…regaurdless of my reasons, and how I present them, I mean what I say. Perhaps not always, but in this case it’s so. I’m sorry. Probably, this won’t make a ton of sense to anyone but me. Oh well. In addition to that, while I am sincierely sorry for my being a scardey-cat, there’s is nothing that you can do to change that. And unfortunately, I don’t have any particular desire to change it myself. Better safe than sorry, and I’ve been sorry to many times for my liking.

I finally have a manner of friends. I see Katie regularly, I’m hoping Kevin and I can fix our broken relationship. The people I sit with at lunch didn’t reject me after I chopped my hair off. To the contrary, they like it. Additionally, Michael no longer gets so much as a second glance from me, although things are not as good as I wish if I feel the need to mention that. Wes has a girlfriend whom he seems to be utterly smitten with. Grats to him. Rock climbing and oceanography are going good. So as much as life sucks, it could be worse. I suppose there’s something to say for that. But perhaps, my eyes have simply adjusted to the dark.

Every Day

I feel more and more like I’m losing(or have already lost)everyone who ever cared about me.

It’s painful, and it’s unfair. And somehow, I feel like it’s all my fault. Not like I’d be surprised or anything but…I don’t know.

Everything just feels even worse than it already did because it’s the holidays. I mean, I’m alone. Yeah, right now. But, in life. Who do I turn to when I’m lonely? My journal. Why? Because the only people I care about either, won’t talk to me, aren’t there when I need them, or just make my problems worse by trying to help….at least I think they’re trying to help. I can live without a boyfriend, really. But, the reason I really want one, isn’t because I want someone in that way in my, it’s because Wyatt was by best friend. In every way. I could always talk to him. Ok, yeah, I still can, and he still helps, he’s still nice to me. But…it’s not the same. It’s defferent. And it’s obvious, and, of course, like everything else in the universe, it hurts. It’s not his fault though. I’m not his problem anymore. But…if not his…than who’s? Well obviously, I’m my own problem. So what happens when I need help?

God I’m so frustrated right now! I just want to scream and cry and throw a goddamn fit. It’s just, just, just EVERYTHING. I mean, if there was anyone to talk to I’d explain it to them. But nooo I’m all alone so I just have to talk to myself and hope it all works out ok.

I wrote 3 essays in the past 2 days, I’m a little burned out. That was more than 10 pages. And none of it was easy. *sigh* I’m just complaining, if you don;t want to read about how life sucks, please click “next blog” now, for more pain, keep reading.

I have to bake a cake for German class, and I wrote down a list of all the ingredients, so I could make it today, since I don;t have time during the week. My mom 1-got the wrong stuff and 2-says she wants me to make it the day b4….too bad it takes 2 days to make the cake. That’ll go over real well right?

I don;t understand my math homework, my grade in that class is slowly slipping, but try as hard as I can, and it’s just not helping. My parents are pissed, and I just feel defeated. I’m trying. Really. I wouldn’t spend an hour a night on math if I wasn’t trying.

Since it’s the holidays, my parents are fighting constantly. And since I’m so lonely I’ve been trying to actualy include them in my life. Like, you know, have actualy conversations with them. And you know what sucks? What really sucks about my life? Every time I try and have a goddamn conversation with my parents, they either start telling me how I need to go do my homework, or bring up my grades. Or they turn on the tv and tell me to shush. And then when I’m sitting in my room reading, or god forbid doing the homework they told me to, they yell at me to come have some family time. Talk to them, be more social. I mean I’m such a reculse right? Somebody help me. Somebody save me. I’m falling farther and farther. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m worried I’m going backwards. I think I hit the bottom and decided I’d rather dig myself deeper than wait for someone to dig me out, since obviously no one’s coming. I mean it’s only been 3 weeks since I’ve been able to talk to Kevin. That’s definately not too long. No reason to be upset about that right? Nothing wrong here. Nope everything is fucking perfect.

I wish my parents cared more. Then spend so much time worrying about my sister. They spend so much time talking to her, they do everything with her. They always compare me to her. Even in areas where I’m better than she ever was. And still it’s never good enough. What do they want from me? They tell me to be more abitious, they tell me to have more a life, they tell me there’s all these things they want from me. And so I go and try anhd do something and they tell me I’m already doing too much stuff. I can’t possibly fit anything else in my schedule. God forbid I actually did something they suggested I do for once.

Why does it feel so pathetic that I used to write this to the people I knew cared about me, and read this. And yet now, I feel so certain that the people I care about, don;t care about me. The only people who read this anymore don;t know me. They wouldn’t notice, or much less care if there was never another entry here because I’d died. It’s not like they’d know. Where did all of my friends go? did I reall have friends? Or was it all an illusion? So many things seem to be fake these days. Kevin was fake. He was so convincing too. Oh it hurt so bad. It still does truth be told. More now that I actually think about it. I can’t bottle this up inside forever. Something’s going to happen sooner or later. I worry more and more that the former is more likely than the latter. Oh, right. But you don’t care. Because nobody fucking cares about me anymore. I mean, if anybody really cared I’d be talking to them don;t you think? It’s not like I like talking to myself. But it’s also not like I’ve got any other option. Why talk at all then? Well because if I don;t I’ll do something stupid. Like….I don;t know. Cut. Jump off a bridge. Run away. I like the idea of running away. Less lethal. Lasts longer. Has more possible outcomes. But…if I run away then there’s never going to be any chance for any of this to get any better. And I want desperately for everything to be better. Oh, if Kevin would talk to me again. If all the conversations I had with Wyatt didn’t feel so forced, and awkward, and like he didn’t really even want to talk to me. If Alex ever answered her phone or returned her calls. If David would quit bringing up topics that hurt, or pissed me off, or were sex/relationship/anything I really don’t wanna talk about right now related. If Katie had more time, or showed up on my doorstep more often. If the people I reached out to at school would quit pushing me to the point where I quit trying to reach out and find a friend. Find someone. Find anyone.

All these ifs.

None of these things are going to happen.

They just…

are.

Too bad for me right?

OH god I have a headache again. And I’ve got a fever. And school tomorrow. Gotta turn in all those essays you know. Gotta go to school so I can get As so I can go to college so I can get a job that pays well so that…..so that I can get friends. A husband. Basically so I can upgrade my life. Too bad I’m pretty sure you have to have a life before you can upgrade it. I need to take some deep breaths. I need to make sure this doesn;t push me past hyperventalating to crying. I need to get a hold of myself.

I thought the whole Kevin shunning me was karma, for shunning Wyatt when we broke up. Now maybe it is. But…this has gone on so much longer than any fight, or anything I’ve ever had with anyone before. What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m not fucking perfect angel. But this is too much. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been a good girl about it, I haven;t gushed non-stop to anyone. Regardless of what people say I haven’t talked about Kev half as much as I want to. I haven’t really made this some huge problem everyone else has to deal with. And I kept my promise. I haven’t said a word to Kevin. Not a “hi” or a “pounce” or anything. And it’s fucking been 3 weeks. And you know what. On the 24th, if he still isn’t talking to me, I’m talking to him. Why? Well, think about it. At that point I’ll have known him almost 2 months, and have not talked to him in a month. Over half the time I’ve known him. Isn’t that enough? IF it’s not, I don;t think anything is. And god I’m going insane. Why can;t anyone see this? I’m drowing. Why won;t anyone save me? Why am I all alone in the dark? I don;t like the dark. And I hate being all oh so much. Oh please, oh god somebody please save me. I don;t know what I’m going to do if this goes on much longer.

It’s like I’m praying to the computer god or something. Oh great internet please send me somebody to save my sorry ass. Oh yeah, that’ll work great.

I don’t think I can keep typing. But I don;t think I can stop either. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes any sense. Besides waiting to talk to Kevin, I have no other direction in my life. Isn’t that a little sad? And what then? After I talk to him, and he either allows me or rejects me…what the fuck next? Well the holidays….alone. While my sister has John. My mom has my dad. Wyatt has Erica. Katie has Armin. Wes has Allison. Nick has Ashley. Oh the list just fucking goes on and on and on.

Somebody, anybody. I don;t think I even care if you can help anymore. Just…please. Keep me company. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I’m so scared I’ll never have anyone. And I’m so cold. I don’t know what to do. Or where to run anymore. Please…

This is mostly…

Not even mostly really, but this is probably as close as I can get to how I feel about Kev. Maybe if I snag a few more songs I’ll have something more accurate; but for now, this is as close to home as we get.

Deb Talan-Tenderness

We did not ask how things were defined
Some pieces were missing but the puzzle looked fine
One day we look up from inside a song
Something felt more right
Something was wrong

Shouldn’t we regret love like this?
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

Months go by you with your wife
It takes time to disassemble a whole life
And I can’t ask you for anything, I take what I get
Aren’t other people and saints more than I deserve?
Or maybe it’s true I don’t deserve you

Should I regret a love like this?
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

It the end of an era so unexpected
Clear as the line on the palm of your hand
You and I we started to stumbling
Into the next dance we didn’t plan this
Death of our friends in the sand

We can’t regret a love like this
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

Writing

Writing is the only balm I have for my pain. But even that isn’t enough.

Over and Over-3 Days Grace

I feel it everyday it’s all the same
It brings me down but I’m the one to blame
I’ve tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try

So many thoughts that I can’t get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what’s best for me
But I want you instead
I’ll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try to

I’ve been writing as much as I can. I’m supposed to be writing an essay right now…but, I needed to type here first. WordPress has always been an amazing stress reliever for me. Lately I haven’t had the time. So now my hands are on the verge of being calloused from all the writing I’ve been doing. Gross right?

Both in my journal and, I’m writing a new book. Only I think this one is actually gonna get somewhere. If you ask I’ll show you, I don;t mind. It’s kind of pathetic, but great for wasting time. Anyways, I’ve wasted too much as it is. Perhaps I’ll have more time later, probably I’ll be writing about fictional stuff though, it’s much less painful than facing reality.

-Jess

If I Ain’t Got You

-Alicia Keys-

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what’s within
And I’ve been there before
But that life’s a bore
So full of the superficial

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that’s the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

[Outro:]
If I ain’t got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don’t mean a thing
If I ain’t got you with me baby

Have you ever…

Have you ever…had life seem incredibly perfect, only to have it crash down all around you? Have you ever felt like everything sucked and nothing would be ok, and then have the world light up? Have you ever felt like you were on an emotional rollercoaster that was headed for the clouds, only to have it fall back down? Have you ever been at the bottom looking up and had it dawn on you that this time the walls of your grave were too steep to climb?

I Gotta be Fucking Bipolar

I mean I had a great day right? Up until about 2 hours ago when I came home and cried. Makes perfect sense right?

God this is so confusing.

Ok, so I’ll start at the beginning and hope it works. Prolly I’ll forget a ton of stuff. So…whatever I don’t even care.

Morning, coffee, 1st per, Mr. Dorr’s class had issues with the drains, he fixed that, we took the stupid 2 hour test. Break, hugged Wes because I can’t not, he gives me a birthday present, I almost wish he hadn’t because it’s sweet and it made me just wanna kiss him and ya know….can’t do that. But anyways yeah, he made me a bracelt. One of those hemp ones I wish I knew how to make. And he made it yellow and pink >.< and I’m wearing it anyways *sigh* soccer, Edgar and Gustoff*sp?* won’t leave me alone, and other people are starting to come up to me and ask if I’ve noticed they like me. Which yeah, I have.

History we watched a movie….woot?

Anyways, mostly cuz of the bracelet at that point I pretty much sky high ya know? It was just a good day. Even if I didn’t make it sound like one.

So Wyatt asks if I’m goin to the College fiar thing tonight. And I’m like yeah, you? And he is, and I’m like maybe I’ll see you. And yeah.

So mom gets home and we leave. I’m driving. It goes downhill from here.

As I’m backing out the driveway some stupid jogger runs behind me and almost gets herself run over….that freaks me and my mom out. But it was ok. Only she just keeps flipping out. She flips out at the stop sign, the light, on the freeway, off the freeway. God I coulda killed her! Anyways, we get to Westview, I’m already in a bad mood. We get out, I try immediately to ditch my parents. No luck of course. So I’m just kind of pissed off on the inside-don’t-talk-to-me sorta thing you know? But also kinda subconciously/conciously looking for Wyatt. I was kinda hoping just a little bit that I might see him, give him a hug, and actually, really, for reals, in a way he might accept apologize to him, and, of course, talk. Not about anything important, just for the hell of it. Because I mean, being me, even though we are still friends, I really don’t think we’ll ever be able to pull off seeing each other as friends, like going to the movies or anything. So…basically, I dunno, I just wanted to see him and chat ya know? Get a chance to make nice. Maybe meet Erica*no, not to kill her* that sorta thing. Anyways, I did see him, in the mass of people, I was just like long time no see, and he’s like yeah. And then he was gone again. Aw fuck here I go again with the crying. Um, so yeah. Then I pretty much wandered around thinking about him. And my dad was talking to me about stuff, and I don’t really know where my mom was. My night was basically shot at that point.

Never eat strawberry cake when depressed. Does you no good besides making you wanna barf.

So yeah. Then, my parents dragged me in to look at the UCs. And of course, who do I see again? Wyatt. I don’t think he noticed me this time around. But I definately noticed him. It probably hurt so bad because it’s the first time I’ve seen him since…yeah.

And then we finally get to leave, and I’m totally in like a horrible mood at this point right?

So we walk outside. To the front of the school. And who do I see?  Wyatt.

Why god? Why? Why would someone do this to me. Again, I don’t think he even saw me. But I couldn’t even take my eyes off of him. So many things went through my head. Does he miss me like I miss him?-no he’s got a new girlfriend, what reason does he have to miss me?. Does he love her like he loved me?-I don’t even wanna know, I think I’d die. Why didn’t I treat him the way he deserved to be treated?-because I was an idiot, I am an idiot. Why can’t I stop thinking about him?-because I still love him, duh. Why do I still love him?-because I just kind of pretended he didn’t exist for a while, I never actually faced reality. Why am I crying now?-because I have to cry. He was amazing, he is amazing. I hurt him, I hurt myself. I fucked our whole relationship up. And why?-because I was scared, because I was worried if I gave him another chance and he didn’t change I’d lose the courage to tell him it wasn’t working, I’d give in for good. Why do I have to be so weak? Why can’t I answer all of my own questions??

So anyways. My parents made me drive home. And my mom was really mean to me. Which I didn’t need. When I got on the freeway, she said to my dad, that if this is my practice car he’s gonna be buying me a truck a lot sooner than he thinks. That hurt. I was actually doing a decent job of driving. And, you realize how upset I have to be for my mom to get under my skin? Especially about something as stupid as driving?

And we get home, I go in a grab Kira and hold her. I’m upset. I don’t even turn the lights on. My mom n dad come in talking, my mom whispers, I bet she’s probably a little upset she saw Wyatt you know. And I say you know I can hear you right? I almost started crying right then. But I didn’t. I had too feed Ki, and empty the dishwasher. About 10 minutes after we got home I took a shower. I just shut the door and leaned into it, I already had tears rolling down my cheeks, but I didn’t want them to hear me you know? So stripped and turned on the water, turned it up way high hot as it gets, and stepped in. I sank to the floor and let the spray hit my back as I sobbed.

I don’t know how long I was in there, but eventually, I knew my parents were gonna start telling me to get out…but I was still crying. So…how to stop once you start? I gave myself a couple brisk slaps, got my face nice n red too. It hurt pretty bad. Actually helped a little too. And I turned the water on real cold and splashed my face real good. I was still weeping a little, but I went to my room to get dressed. And of course I turned on some music…cuz it’s what I do. And..my luck. Bubbly comes on. And I started all over again! Goddamnit! Do you know how much that sucks?? Just lying on the floor sobbing? Normally I just weep, but nooo I had to sob. WTF?! Anyways, eventually I came down and ate. And now I’m having cake and spilling my guts to myself. But of course all I really want is to talk to Wyatt who’s not even on aim right now. But I don’t think calling him is a good idea. So what am I gonna do?

What do I want to do?

*sigh*

No more.

Night I guess

-Jess