Anyways, it rained, and the wedding was outside. But we had flowers and friends and food. After the ceremony someone cooked for a change and we all stayed up late and played Magic and Munchkin and a few other games while watching obscure Netflix movies.

This last wednesday I got hired by McDonalds. Now I know that doesn’t SOUND like much, but it’s got a lot more possibility than it sounds like. Yeah, I start out on my feet in a fast food joint, BUT after my first 90 days I get health care, dental and vision. I get 2 weeks paid vacation a year, and if I make it to manager I get a company car. McDonalds pays for gas and insurance for the company car. In as quick as a year I can get promoted out of the restaurant and into a desk job somewhere. Which would put me on a pretty good salary. I can keep moving up, get pay raises, and land myself a nice pay, free car, 3 weeks of paid vacation, and not need to go to college to do it. McDonalds will pay for, and send me to any and all of the classes I need. Not bad eh? Now we just have to wait and see if it all plays out as well as all that.

In all honesty though, I’m writing because I’m NOT particularly happy. I was, don’t get me wrong. But right after moving/getting married, things for the last week haven’t been the same. Yeah there’s lots of good reasons for it, but that doesn’t stop me from getting a little bummed about it. Mitch is allergic to something in our new place. So he’s wheezing and coughing and sneezing, and finally gave up and is on some allergy meds which seem to be working. Plus we’re living with our friend Chris, he’s our landlord now, and Mitch didn’t really see too much of him before, and now pretty much whenever Mitch is home, so is Chris, and the two of them are loving having someone else to plat games with. So the various problems I’ve got? Well what about me?! I play the games they play, but I don’t seem to get included. In the last week, we’ve only had sex ONCE. And it’s not my fault. And wasn’t even because Mitch really wanted it, it was because he’d been feeling bad for turning me down so many times already this week. I thought it was the wife that never wanted sex…not the husband. It’s pretty frustrating. Not to mention Mitch has gotten into some game and has been spending ALL of his free time on it. Yes, this always happens when he gets into a new game, but why couldn’t it have waited a week? We just got internet and cable yesterday, and I’m home pretty much 24/7 how bored out of my skull do you think I’m been? I do the dishes every day, and believe you me somebody’s gonna be hearing about that soon, there’s three people living here and while cooking and cleaning for Mitch is one thing, I don’t intend to keep doing it for the both of them.

You see, when I came back to Canada Mitch promised me he was going to try harder to give me more attention. Take some time away from his games and cuddle up with me, watch TV, play a game, something. And up until we moved, he WAS. He was actually spending more time with me than his games, it was wonderful! Hell, for almost a week we were having sex daily, multiple times daily! Now obviously that made me sore as all hell and had to stop, but going from all that, to nothing is driving me nuts. We’re not snuggling up and watching TV or playing games, or anything. I’m sick of sitting next to him staring at his game rubbing his back and getting snapped at for giving him kisses while he’s trying to kill things while hoping he’ll come over and love on me a little.

He’s starting to notice that I’m upset with him. And in spite of what may or may not have been his best efforts, I am now positive we need to get a dog asap, because honestly, I am lonely as all fucking hell. Yeah, from 7am to 5pm when he’s at work, but sometimes when he’s home too. Most days I’m ok with that, I’m used to it. But I need a little something more in my life, and I think I knew when I got into this that might be the case.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my husband. But I know that it’s hard for him to put anyone or anything before his games. Hell, when I’ve got WoW hooked up I’m the same way, so we’re good for each other. It’s just early in the morning, and I must’ve been sleep talking to him when he said goodbye and kissed me this morning, so I can’t remember, I just woke up and realized he was gone. It made me kind of sad becuase I was mad at him when I went to sleep last night and I wanted a chance to love on him before he went away for the day. I know when he gets home he’ll be hot and tired and he won’t be too interested in getting smothered. I suppose that’s life. I’ll have to remember to post again on here when I’m in a better mood. Life isn’t all bad, I just tend to post when I feel like it is.

-Jessica Janke

Anyways, these days I’m living in Canada. Working on getting my citizenship so I can get a job. I did graduate highschool (yay me) but my parents and I are on pretty uncertain terms. Mainly due to me having run off to Canada…I’ve been up here since November, so I got to see a Canadian winter, first time I’ve realy seen snow. Good god is it cold!

I got a summer job back in the States at Camp Winacka. So I’m pretty psyched to go back and see everybody and make a few bucks in the process. When I get back we plan on getting a puppy. Since we don’t really agree on what kind of dog we want our middle-ground option is an Akita(I’m psyched about it) but more than likley we’ll go to a rescue, hope they have an Akita, and then rescue whatever dog appeals to us most when they say they don’t. but it’s all good.

I’ve been cooking a lot. I’ve learned to make pork ribs, pudding and cake from scratch, homemade burgers, cheesey bread, garlic bread, meatloaf, bread pudding and probably a few other things. And I plan on making enchiladas at the first chance I get. It’s weird not having mexican food everywhere anymore, and I miss it. Maybe my parents will have the stuff and I can make some when I get there.

Anyways I leave on the 23rd. And today I have a doctors appointment. I wish I could say I’ve been busy….but really I’m a lame excuse for a housewife. I’m always putting off doing the dishes (although they do get done) I don’t vaccum often, and I’ve never really picked up the place…we don’t even own the products for me to properly clean the bathroom, it figures that’s probably the one thing I’d actually do too.

-Jess

Isn’t that some kinda wonderful?

-Jessica

I can’t remember what I posted last and I haven’t very much time here. So, I don’t think I mentioned that all Daniel wanted from me was sex, so I broke up with the greedy insensitive jerk ummm, 5 months ago? I dunno exactly, last few days of school though. And good riddence if he wants to treat me like that.

On another, happier, yet more awkward note….Me and Mitch…Yeah….he lives in Canada and he’s 25. So what? Yeah, you can just deal….while the two of us sort out why we like each other and what exactly we’re gonna do about it. And I’ll tell you if I feel like it so there/if you just ask me prolly.

-Jess

[Verse 1]
Hey up town girl
Can you hear this down town song?
Wrote a couple of words to tell you
Right here is where you belong

I bet you walk the streets
Wondering who you’re thinking of
Hope you’re looking for someone to hold
And not at all in love

[Pre-chorus]
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind

[Chorus]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me, yeah

[Verse 2]
I keep asking myself
If our hands were meant to be
I know this town is busy,
But I live on Public Street

We can get out of here
If only for just tonight
Ride like some Rollin stone
That’s forced to waste your life

[Pre-chorus]
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind

[Chorus]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me

[Verse 3]
When I’m under (when I’m under)
Is it me you’re thinking of?
With this light (get on your knees)
I pray you’re not at all in love

With someone else (with someone new)
With something other than me and you
Just wanna be where you are (Just where you are)
If ever you’re lonely I won’t be far

[Bridge]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know

Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me, yeah

Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me

^That’s just the song I got my new site name from for those of you that know/care.

So I got my first boyfriend since….Wyatt. And he’s amazing!!!!! and that’s all you know for now ^.^

Anyways, reacently, I realized I’m depressed. Not because of something new or anything. I just am. And it’s a bit of a problem. Because it’s not something I know how to fix. I’ve tried chocolates, being ahealth freak, exercise, fighting, being a loner, and “talking about my feelings” but none of it really helps. So why complain here? Well why the hell not?

I’ll admit, I’m a little jealous Wyatt has a girlfriend, and I’m still single. Granted, I probably deserve to be single, but that doesn’t make it any less lonely now does it? And yeah I know there’s a handful of guys that want to go out with me, but I’m still to damn picky. I refuse to date someone that won’t make me happy. Or that I don’t think will make me happy. Or any 1 of 500 different things. I’m a mess, what can I say?

But damn…Wyatt can’t be the only guy I ever love that’ll love me back…right? I mean, I’m not gonna be alone forever. Right? *sigh* I worry too much. But I can’t help myself.

And blah blah blah I just keep complaining. I just keep feeling sorry for myself. And you know what, my life doesn’t even suck that much! But if you don’t wanna wallow in my pit of self pity…don’t, just leave. I don’t give a fuck anymore. I mean it’s not like most of the people in my life give a fuck about me anyways. Oh yeah sure, there’s a few who do. But they’re few and far apart. Probably, I’d say right now there’s 3. And 2 of em don’t even live here, and the 3rd probably won’t even admit that he’s the 3rd. So, what else is new?

I’m tired. And I need to stop this, I’m not helping anything. Hell, maybe I’m making things worse. Seriously though? It doesn’t matter, I’m just gonna shut myself up now.

Well, for one I just read Wyatt’s blog  for the first time since, well I don’t even know since when. It sounds like he’s not doing too good. Not too good at all. I wish I could help but…I don’t know how, and at this point I feel like trying to help, even with good intentions, would probably just make things worse. As much as I hate to admit it, the best thing I can do for him is leave him alone unless he asks for my help. On the off chance that happens, I’ll do everything I can…as it is, I just hope that somehow, things turn out ok.

On a different, much more selfish note; Kevin. I saw him on Friday. It was, I guess funny is the only way to describe what that was like. We acted kind of like we did when we first met. Speaking more through Katie than to each other. Both of us kind of shy. Neither one of us mentioned anything that had previously happened between us, including our ongoing silence. And as much as I just wanted to throw myself on him and cover him with hugs and kisses, I was just so happy to be able to talk to him. It was like, I dunno, a small sip of water when you’re stuck in a desert. Not enough, and horribly teasing, but you’re still greatful for what you got. If that makes any sense. I got that analogy from Ironside, although not word for word.

So between then and now several things have gone through my head. At first I decied that the best course of action would be to present Kevin with a choice, more of a dilemma really: Either he can honestly tell me he doesn’t want me-in which case I prolly go be pathetic and cry, but eventually get over myself; or he does want me-in which case we figure out what the hell is going on between us, and try to make it work. Realistically? I bet on him not knowing. The next day, after readingabout 300 pages of romance novels, I decided my best option was to basically ask him out….waay too bold, and waay stupid. Katie comfirmed that. First option made more sense. So of course after calling him, and him not answering, and me being too unsure of myself to leave a message just yet, I sat and thought things over. For one, I don’t really need him to be my boyfriend. As much as I want his love and continued caresses, they aren’t what I miss most about him. Not to be totally blunt but, it’s not too hard to find a guy that’s willing to commit physically to me. Well, maybe not commit, but you get the point. Don’t get me wrong I’m not that kind of girl, but if I really wanted that…well it could be done. What I really miss about Kevin is waking up and calling him at 6 in the morning. Having his voice be the first I hear, if only for 5 minutes. Having pointless endless philosophical discussions that never ended and never turned into fights. Talking about school, and listening to him, and sports, and exercise. And knowing we agreed, and that we both cared. Just, talking. And it was ok if we didn;t have anything to talk about. It wasn’t like we tried to fill the silence, but the silence wasn’t painful either. But never did we sit in silence, because we weren’t talking just to waste time, we were talking because we enjoyed it. We enjoyed each other. I miss the friend part of the idea of him being my boyfriend. Even though he was never mine. Furthermore, today I realized something else. If it meant I could talk to him, I would be willing to let him remain undecided on the matter of what the hell is going on between us. If he wanted, I’d even not mention it. Not even mention us kissing or anything like that. Now of course he couldn’t be off the hook that easy, I’d still be in love with him, at least for a while. And if he ever figured his own feelings out, it would still mean the world to me if he’d tell me what was going on. But…Kevin means more to me than physical affection.

So I’m not going to even try and call him again until this weekend. Partially because at this rate I’ll have an entirely different perspective by then. Partially because I have no desire to seem any more clingy than I already am. Partially due to finals, and my need to study. And also because it’s entirely likely I’ll lose my nerve, and perhaps, it’s better not to call him just yet. If he doesn’t want to talk to me yet, I should quit trying to force myself on him. If I do call him, I’ll leave a message then, and that will be that until I see him at New Jack. Which it looks like he might seriously go to. But that has some weird potential what with my parents going and all.

Again, on another note, David isn’t talking to me. I’m like 95% sure that’s my fault, the other 5% is because I know some of it isn’t. Although in all honesty I don’t know how much. I’m also pretty sure I was little harsher than I should’ve been the last time we talked and…well. That was a mistake, part of it was that in a kind of mean way I wanted to get back at him a little, show him that words can hurt even if the intention behind them isn’t mean. Mostly though, I was trying to make a point, one that I feel I’ve handled perhaps too gently in the past, because I didn’t want to hurt him. But…regaurdless of my reasons, and how I present them, I mean what I say. Perhaps not always, but in this case it’s so. I’m sorry. Probably, this won’t make a ton of sense to anyone but me. Oh well. In addition to that, while I am sincierely sorry for my being a scardey-cat, there’s is nothing that you can do to change that. And unfortunately, I don’t have any particular desire to change it myself. Better safe than sorry, and I’ve been sorry to many times for my liking.

I finally have a manner of friends. I see Katie regularly, I’m hoping Kevin and I can fix our broken relationship. The people I sit with at lunch didn’t reject me after I chopped my hair off. To the contrary, they like it. Additionally, Michael no longer gets so much as a second glance from me, although things are not as good as I wish if I feel the need to mention that. Wes has a girlfriend whom he seems to be utterly smitten with. Grats to him. Rock climbing and oceanography are going good. So as much as life sucks, it could be worse. I suppose there’s something to say for that. But perhaps, my eyes have simply adjusted to the dark.

It’s painful, and it’s unfair. And somehow, I feel like it’s all my fault. Not like I’d be surprised or anything but…I don’t know.

Everything just feels even worse than it already did because it’s the holidays. I mean, I’m alone. Yeah, right now. But, in life. Who do I turn to when I’m lonely? My journal. Why? Because the only people I care about either, won’t talk to me, aren’t there when I need them, or just make my problems worse by trying to help….at least I think they’re trying to help. I can live without a boyfriend, really. But, the reason I really want one, isn’t because I want someone in that way in my, it’s because Wyatt was by best friend. In every way. I could always talk to him. Ok, yeah, I still can, and he still helps, he’s still nice to me. But…it’s not the same. It’s defferent. And it’s obvious, and, of course, like everything else in the universe, it hurts. It’s not his fault though. I’m not his problem anymore. But…if not his…than who’s? Well obviously, I’m my own problem. So what happens when I need help?

God I’m so frustrated right now! I just want to scream and cry and throw a goddamn fit. It’s just, just, just EVERYTHING. I mean, if there was anyone to talk to I’d explain it to them. But nooo I’m all alone so I just have to talk to myself and hope it all works out ok.

I wrote 3 essays in the past 2 days, I’m a little burned out. That was more than 10 pages. And none of it was easy. *sigh* I’m just complaining, if you don;t want to read about how life sucks, please click “next blog” now, for more pain, keep reading.

I have to bake a cake for German class, and I wrote down a list of all the ingredients, so I could make it today, since I don;t have time during the week. My mom 1-got the wrong stuff and 2-says she wants me to make it the day b4….too bad it takes 2 days to make the cake. That’ll go over real well right?

I don;t understand my math homework, my grade in that class is slowly slipping, but try as hard as I can, and it’s just not helping. My parents are pissed, and I just feel defeated. I’m trying. Really. I wouldn’t spend an hour a night on math if I wasn’t trying.

Since it’s the holidays, my parents are fighting constantly. And since I’m so lonely I’ve been trying to actualy include them in my life. Like, you know, have actualy conversations with them. And you know what sucks? What really sucks about my life? Every time I try and have a goddamn conversation with my parents, they either start telling me how I need to go do my homework, or bring up my grades. Or they turn on the tv and tell me to shush. And then when I’m sitting in my room reading, or god forbid doing the homework they told me to, they yell at me to come have some family time. Talk to them, be more social. I mean I’m such a reculse right? Somebody help me. Somebody save me. I’m falling farther and farther. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m worried I’m going backwards. I think I hit the bottom and decided I’d rather dig myself deeper than wait for someone to dig me out, since obviously no one’s coming. I mean it’s only been 3 weeks since I’ve been able to talk to Kevin. That’s definately not too long. No reason to be upset about that right? Nothing wrong here. Nope everything is fucking perfect.

I wish my parents cared more. Then spend so much time worrying about my sister. They spend so much time talking to her, they do everything with her. They always compare me to her. Even in areas where I’m better than she ever was. And still it’s never good enough. What do they want from me? They tell me to be more abitious, they tell me to have more a life, they tell me there’s all these things they want from me. And so I go and try anhd do something and they tell me I’m already doing too much stuff. I can’t possibly fit anything else in my schedule. God forbid I actually did something they suggested I do for once.

Why does it feel so pathetic that I used to write this to the people I knew cared about me, and read this. And yet now, I feel so certain that the people I care about, don;t care about me. The only people who read this anymore don;t know me. They wouldn’t notice, or much less care if there was never another entry here because I’d died. It’s not like they’d know. Where did all of my friends go? did I reall have friends? Or was it all an illusion? So many things seem to be fake these days. Kevin was fake. He was so convincing too. Oh it hurt so bad. It still does truth be told. More now that I actually think about it. I can’t bottle this up inside forever. Something’s going to happen sooner or later. I worry more and more that the former is more likely than the latter. Oh, right. But you don’t care. Because nobody fucking cares about me anymore. I mean, if anybody really cared I’d be talking to them don;t you think? It’s not like I like talking to myself. But it’s also not like I’ve got any other option. Why talk at all then? Well because if I don;t I’ll do something stupid. Like….I don;t know. Cut. Jump off a bridge. Run away. I like the idea of running away. Less lethal. Lasts longer. Has more possible outcomes. But…if I run away then there’s never going to be any chance for any of this to get any better. And I want desperately for everything to be better. Oh, if Kevin would talk to me again. If all the conversations I had with Wyatt didn’t feel so forced, and awkward, and like he didn’t really even want to talk to me. If Alex ever answered her phone or returned her calls. If David would quit bringing up topics that hurt, or pissed me off, or were sex/relationship/anything I really don’t wanna talk about right now related. If Katie had more time, or showed up on my doorstep more often. If the people I reached out to at school would quit pushing me to the point where I quit trying to reach out and find a friend. Find someone. Find anyone.

All these ifs.

None of these things are going to happen.

They just…

are.

Too bad for me right?

OH god I have a headache again. And I’ve got a fever. And school tomorrow. Gotta turn in all those essays you know. Gotta go to school so I can get As so I can go to college so I can get a job that pays well so that…..so that I can get friends. A husband. Basically so I can upgrade my life. Too bad I’m pretty sure you have to have a life before you can upgrade it. I need to take some deep breaths. I need to make sure this doesn;t push me past hyperventalating to crying. I need to get a hold of myself.

I thought the whole Kevin shunning me was karma, for shunning Wyatt when we broke up. Now maybe it is. But…this has gone on so much longer than any fight, or anything I’ve ever had with anyone before. What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m not fucking perfect angel. But this is too much. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been a good girl about it, I haven;t gushed non-stop to anyone. Regardless of what people say I haven’t talked about Kev half as much as I want to. I haven’t really made this some huge problem everyone else has to deal with. And I kept my promise. I haven’t said a word to Kevin. Not a “hi” or a “pounce” or anything. And it’s fucking been 3 weeks. And you know what. On the 24th, if he still isn’t talking to me, I’m talking to him. Why? Well, think about it. At that point I’ll have known him almost 2 months, and have not talked to him in a month. Over half the time I’ve known him. Isn’t that enough? IF it’s not, I don;t think anything is. And god I’m going insane. Why can;t anyone see this? I’m drowing. Why won;t anyone save me? Why am I all alone in the dark? I don;t like the dark. And I hate being all oh so much. Oh please, oh god somebody please save me. I don;t know what I’m going to do if this goes on much longer.

It’s like I’m praying to the computer god or something. Oh great internet please send me somebody to save my sorry ass. Oh yeah, that’ll work great.

I don’t think I can keep typing. But I don;t think I can stop either. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes any sense. Besides waiting to talk to Kevin, I have no other direction in my life. Isn’t that a little sad? And what then? After I talk to him, and he either allows me or rejects me…what the fuck next? Well the holidays….alone. While my sister has John. My mom has my dad. Wyatt has Erica. Katie has Armin. Wes has Allison. Nick has Ashley. Oh the list just fucking goes on and on and on.

Somebody, anybody. I don;t think I even care if you can help anymore. Just…please. Keep me company. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I’m so scared I’ll never have anyone. And I’m so cold. I don’t know what to do. Or where to run anymore. Please…

Deb Talan-Tenderness

We did not ask how things were defined
Some pieces were missing but the puzzle looked fine
One day we look up from inside a song
Something felt more right
Something was wrong

We can’t regret a love like this
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

Over and Over-3 Days Grace

I feel it everyday it’s all the same
It brings me down but I’m the one to blame
I’ve tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try to

I’ve been writing as much as I can. I’m supposed to be writing an essay right now…but, I needed to type here first. WordPress has always been an amazing stress reliever for me. Lately I haven’t had the time. So now my hands are on the verge of being calloused from all the writing I’ve been doing. Gross right?

Both in my journal and, I’m writing a new book. Only I think this one is actually gonna get somewhere. If you ask I’ll show you, I don;t mind. It’s kind of pathetic, but great for wasting time. Anyways, I’ve wasted too much as it is. Perhaps I’ll have more time later, probably I’ll be writing about fictional stuff though, it’s much less painful than facing reality.

-Jess