10 Points if You Can Guess What Happened

I got rejected….again

But really who’s surprised? It’s not like I really thought it was gonna work. Only I did. Or at least I wanted it too. Way more than I thought I did. Somehow, knowing something isn’t gonna happen hurts so much more than just assuming it won’t.

I’m just in some kind of emotional rut right now. More like a goddamn trench. I mean what the fuck is going on here? I just feel like crying. Why??? Why do I wanna cry? Why do I feel neglected.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE MY BIRTHDAY?!

I mean come on, it’s not like I asked for this. I just wanted somebody I could hug and kiss. And talk to a little bit. Was that too much? *yes* It’s just that every time I find someone that actually interests me, it can’t work. It’s like a fucking law. I don’t want to wait 3 years for another perfect guy. I just want somebody who isn’t gonna hurt me. Who’s here, now…and yet I read that and I realize even that’s too much to ask.

I mean…when you talk to people, and the only reason they have for not wanting to to you is “I don’t want a girlfriend right now.” I mean, that’s just like the nice verzion of “I don’t wanna date you.” Right? Because I’m sorry, but there aren’t many teenages who don’t want a date. Hormones are pretty killer.

Only then there’s the possiblilty he really means it. In which case…if he ever changes his mind…will he even think of me? God I hope so. But who am I kidding? Why can’t I just be more open minded about who I’m gonna date? Why do I just fall head over heels for people I’m never gonna get? Ok, so I got over Michael…mostly. And Jordan, and Chase, and so many other guys. But why the fuck can’t I just pick a guy that likes me? A sure shot. God I hate myself. I hate that I eat so much. I hate that guys don’t like me. Or at least that the ones I like don’t like me. I hate that I’m bold enough to actually ask so I constantly get rejected. I hate that I get rejected so much that I’m fucking used to it by now. I hate that I’m not underweight anymore. I hate that I keep getting injured. I hate that I get picked on. I hate that I can’t concentrate. I hate that guys matter so much to me. I hate that I don’t know how to make this better. I hate that I’m tired. I hate that I’m a caffine addict, and that I get migrains. I hate that I get so upset so damn easily.

What’s happening to me?

I’m falling apart. I hardly even care anymore. It hurts, but it’s almost like I’m numb. So why do I feel like crying? Why doesn’t this make any sense? God I need a drink. I need to study. I need to sleep. I’ll feel better in the morning probably. *sigh*

Why

Well….I killed my own train of thought. Thank god. I might finished/continue this later. I dunno.

I don’t feel any better I don’t think. But I’m less frustrated, and just kinda depressed now….is that an improvement?

I’ll get over it. But for now, it sucks.

-Jess

Yeah, long time no see

Umm…how long has it been exactly?

Anyways, hi. I’m feeling less mad at the world now. Guys don’t fail that bad. lol I just spent like the last hour reading Wyatt’s wordpress from start to finish. Dunno why exactly. But I felt like it. *shrugs* The first say half maybe made me feel pretty good actually. And, if any of you even know what my old wp looked like, you’ll notice that I redid it. We’ll see how long this one sticks lol.

But yeah, life is pretty…well…life-like I guess. I’ve been single for like 6 months now. And…emotionally, I’m pretty ok with that. Again, emotionally, I don’t even really want another boyfriend. But physically….I’m like dying. lol. And I did manage to find a guy that I actually like. Like as a person, not like Michael, in the sense that his personality sucks, but I would so do him any day of the week >.< yeah. Pretty sick I know. I met a guy who’s passably cute, and has a great personality. What I need to do is quit comparing people to Wyatt. Once I can stop doing that, things will be easier. Because nobody is gonna be just like him. And I should know that by now.

*sigh*

So, hopefully, sometime in the near future I’ll have a new cuddle-buddy. If I do, that’ll help me with so many things…I hope. Like, potentially I’ll be thinking more about said cuddle-buddy than Wyatt. Which would be nice you know. And, I’ll have cuddles, and I mean come on. A girl needs cuddles. Especially me. hehe. And what else….oh, the cuddles will make me happier. And last I checked being happy was a good thing. So. Yeah.

Soccer owns, bitchy soccer players fail though. Oh, they also hurt. So….yeah.

I guess maybe I’ll post again later. I’d forgotten how soothing typing is/was w/e. I missed it >.< that shouldn’t be possible.

-Jess

Guess what

Guys suck. Ok so maybe not all of them…but in general? Do I even have to ask

One Year Six Months Ago

Was prolly the best time of my life. Give or take some time of course.

One Year Six Months-YellowCard

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I’m falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don’t know me anymore
It’s easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we’ll forget, I hope we don’t forget

I’m falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I’ve got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I’m falling into memories of you ,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you, and things we used to do

And babe, I know you know this is for you. And last I checked you agreed. Love you always, and don’t you ever forget it. I might not always love you how you want me to, but you’ll always be my best friend. We can fight like cats and dogs, but it only makes us closer.*in the long run of course * Ask me anything, any time, anywhere. I’ll be there for you as much as I can, and sometimes even when I can’t. You’ve done as much for me. Live your life a little without me though. Cuz someday I won’t be there. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can only do so much, and it’s not enough. Meet some girls, have some fun. I know you know I’m not all there is to life. If you asked me out again I’d still say yes. But we need some time. When you said that to me before I didn’t understand. I was stupid, blind, and more than a little lonely. If I’d listened things would have gone differently. Maybe better, maybe worse, too bad we’ll never know. But we gotta take what life gives us and run with it. Life goes on. Maybe later we can try again. Maybe not. We’ll see what’s in the cards. You know that third times the charm don’tcha? Heh, one can only hope. But if we don’t, I won’t blame you. I’ll just thank you, for helping me with more than I ever knew I needed help with. For giving me hope when I had none. And more than anything, for loving me when I didn’t even know what love was yet. You were my teacher, and maybe I was yours. You were my love. And you will always be my friend.

I’m done with the mushy gushy stuff. Mostly just because I need to get ready for soccer and not so much because I’m done. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

-Jess

A Letter is only as Interesting as the Person Who Writes it

And that’s all I’ve got to say. Besides that I LOOOOVE camp, and Amber, and Boomerang just might be my camp name, if I’m not Rain or something. And Erika kicks butt, but Chewbaka just owns everyone. And I miss them all way to fucking much.(NCA!!!!!) and RAWR. No moe for now. (godfuckingdamnithe’sfuckinginmyHISTORYclass!?!?!?!what’dIdototheworld?!?!?!?)

The Cranberries

I Can’t Be With You

Lying in my bed again,
And I cry ’cause you’re not here.
Crying in my head again,
And I know that it’s not clear.

Put your hands, put your hands,
Inside my face and see that it’s just you.
But it’s bad and it’s mad and it’s making me sad,
Because I can’t be with you.

Be with you. [X 4]
Be with you, be with you, baby, I can’t be with you.

Thinking back on how things were,
And on how we loved so well.
I wanted to be the mother of your child,
And now it’s just farewell.

Put your hands in my hands,
And come with me, we’ll find another end.
And my head, and my head on anyone’s shoulder,
‘Cause I can’t be with you.

Be with you. [X 4]
Be with you, be with you, baby, I can’t be with you.

‘Cause you’re not here, you’re not here,
Baby, I can’t be with you.
‘Cause you’re not here, you’re not here,
Baby, still in love with you.

Still in love with you. [X 6]

Backpacking 101

Bedtime is earlier than when you were 5. oO

Never play cards with Jordan, she’s a beast(unless A) you wanna lose B) you’re Chewbaka)

Never play charades w/ Neon. She is sadistic(unless you is Jordan or a person who guesses)

Always watch for the ferocious grey squirrel. It can and will eat you.

The rare and evasive golf cart OO native to Southern Cali

So much ice cream >.<

So much food….can eat no…..IS that carmal? No it’s butterscotch. Butterscotch? Look I’ll be right back ok?

Free the caged bird!

All 4 Parishes at once?

Moose gets no cheese….please

Please don’t barf on me.

I can sleep anywhere. Yes even…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And about Mow? No more.

And about wp? No more for now

-Jordan(if you’re Tiki, you can call me Jordana)

Goddamnit

Ever hear the saying stay mad as long as you posibly can so you don’t feel the pain? or something like that….I don’t really remember exactly.

Anyways, it works only for so long. In my case around 2 weeks. Yesterday was the first time I really talked to him. To be honest, I liked it, I haven’t talked to him hardly at all in a really long time. About anything. Only thing is this morning I woke up and…I missed him. And goddamnit I don’t need that. I decided that this time, I can’t just turn around and hope that Wyatt will take me back. I mean, to break up with a guy and then change your mind? That’s so wrong. It’d be one thing if HE wanted ME back. But…I don’t really think that’s gonna happen. I made a pretty good show of being a total bitch when I broke up with him. It was the only way I could do it. I think. I really don’t know. Anyways, the only reason I’m writing this is because I’m sitting here, crying about this. About what I’ve done to my own life. Looks like my time of being mad ran out. And now I get to be even more sad than I was in the begging because I have to face the fact that I was bitch for so long. Isn’t that just wonderful?

I have a headache and I don’t remember the last time I took my pills. I’m getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and I’m scared shitless. My mom called and told the people not to give me Vikadin cuz it made my sis sick to her stomache. I get Tylenol w/ codine in it. If that doesn’t work I’ma be fucking pissed. And in pain. God I’m a mess. Does life have a rewind button? Because I think I’d like to go back to somewhere in the end of 8th grade and just put life on stop. Stay there forever. I was pretty damn ignorant back then. And head over heels in love. Wyatt has been the best thing in my life. And to perfectly honest…I don’t really know why I keep pushing him away. Well I do, I just don’t get it. I’m scared. Why am I scared? Right, like I fucking know. If I really knew why I was scared somebody would know. I’d have somebody to help. Sombody who cares. Somebody like Wyatt. But you know I don’t. And until I get whatever this problem is fixed. I’m taking a break from guys. Yeah that’s right. All of ‘em. In the dating sense anyways. Like hell I could really cut all the guys outta my life.

Anyways. I’m spent. There’s more stuff jumbled up in my head. I’ll sort through all of it later.

-F.I.N.E.

I Didn’t Forget About WordPress, I’ve Been Ignoring it

Yeah, that’s right, I’m ignoring WP. Why? The hell if I’m gonna tell you. I FEEL like it ok? Been writing in my journal……I’ll go back to WP…..eventually. When I’m less pissy methinks.

Today

I SAW WYATT!!!

He makes me happy ^.^

So yeah, just being happy. Gonna call him before I go to bed. Later guys.

-Jessica lynn