The Young and the Reckless

October 7, 2015

So…I’ve left my husband. I’ve moved back to the states. My psychologist tells me he was mentally, sexually, and physically abusive. I’ve wrapped my mind around, and mostly accepted all but the last of those. Now I’m being told I should see a psychiatrist and see about getting some anti-anxiety medication. I guess I saw this coming, but I still hate meds.

I’ve calmed down a LOT. I feel more grounded, dare I say sane. But I cannot deny the stress and anxiety. Working on letting go of the hubby, it’s hard. The best thing I’ve found for me so far is work on myself. Get my life on track. I applied to culinary school. Got accepted. I’ve lost nearly 25 pounds. I’m rock climbing again. Wyatt’s been a good friend through all of this, how I didn’t drive him away, or at least mad I do not know, but I’m grateful. I’ve reconnected with Katie (Morgan) and I’m trying to set something up to see Kevin. My neurosis is not totally under control, but I’m managing it, and have confidence in my ability to bury it at least a while longer. I can bury it a little deeper every day.

Why I’m typing here I don’t know. I have been writing in glorious glitter pen in a journal until now but *shrugs* I guess typing can be it’s own special joy at times. And I get less starry eyed maybe😛

-Everything that kills me makes me feel alive -Counting Stars-Onerepublic

Married and Confused

May 29, 2015

So I’ve been or less happily married for almost 4 years now. I got married at 19, and people have always asked me, did I jump in too soon, what if I change my mind, am I happy etc etc etc. And I’ve always been absolutely positive that I did the right thing. But suddenly, I’m not sure anymore. And it scares the bloody hell out of me. I’m trying to sort through my emotions and figure out why, what’s changed, is it just a rough patch, or a mood swing, or have I fallen out of love. I’m afraid that the fact I’m even thinking that could be a sign of the end and I’m terrified. But am I terrified because I do love him, or just because I always thought I’d marry one man and stay with him “til death do us part”?

In the last year due to some issues with my paperwork to become Canadian I’m no longer able to work, soo Mitch has become the sole provider for us, and that puts a lot of stress on him. He’s almost permanently in a bad mood over one thing or another. I feel very strongly that that’s probably my fault, but that doesn’t make it any easier on me. Now that I’m home all the time there’s been some friction over all the things I should be doing (mostly chores) that I’ve said I’d do, but I’m a horrible procrastinator, and forgetful to boot. He likes to buy things and be extravagant, but having to cut back is visibly taking it’s toll on him, and he still splurges sometimes anyways, which both upsets and worries me. He makes all the money, so it’s hard to tell him no. But we need to move soon and I’m worried about the damage deposit. If we can’t come up with it we’ll likely stay where we are, but I’m worried that rent is too high for him to have the extra cash he so clearly needs.

But it’s not just that, he’s been feeling a little cheated in our marriage. I was a 115 pound 18 year old when I moved up here. But Canadian medical rules are different, and they made me change my medications, in short order I ballooned over 200 pounds and I’ve been trying to lose it ever since. I’ve had a little success lately since we’ve gotten a family doctor and I got referred to a specialist…but I’m still up there. Part of the problem is I’m more comfortable with my body now than I ever was before. Even if it isn’t quite healthy. But he’s clearly not as attracted to me as he was and doesn’t want to admit it. Which is an issue because physically, I was never overly into him either, I love HIM not so much his physical make up, and it’s his body type not his size, so he can’t even fix that. To compound things, I’m not as adventurous as he is, no matter the new things I try I feel like it’s not enough.

I haven’t got many friends because he can be very jealous, but I make better friends with men, and it seems easier to just stay away. Lately he’s been become more and more aware of how being alone is affecting me, but I find it hard to go back out into the world after having a avoided it for so long. Getting back into even an MMO after taking a break is hard. I find more and more that I sit and contemplate life. Where it’s taken me and where I will go from here.

But I don’t want to sounds like it’s all bad and no good, I mean I kind of feel that way right now, but for years I’ve been very happy. He buys me roses on Valentines day, he takes me to dinner, he buys my gifts when we go places. We enjoy playing all sorts of board games and video games together. We’ve always been very much in love, we’ve been talking about buying a house when I become Canadian…

When we got together neither one of us was ready for a kid, but now he is and I’m not. He’s not pushing the issue, but I know he feels like time is ticking, he’s 8 years older than me. Maybe that’s where the issue stems from, I’m not sure I’d want him to be the father of my children. He was raised in a very rough home, and it’s made him a very rough man (never physical with me) but for example, he thinks that when an animal breaks the house rules, like the cat getting on the kitchen counter it should be shown what it’s done wrong and be given a smack on the rump. It breaks my heart every time, I feel that is so wrong but he won’t be persuaded, he’s never caused any lasting harm to any animal, but it worries me. And I wonder at how he would raise a child. When the animals behave, he’s very kind and loving to them…

But not all the blame can go on him. I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Which is just ridiculous, we broke up I think 3 years before I got together with my current husband. I broke it off with him because we were going to different high schools, and couldn’t drive yet, and I was afraid that since I was only seeing him once a month I might stray and it was driving me mad. I thought it would be better for both of us if I broke up with him before I had the chance to cheat on him. I’ve regretted it ever since. We still talk, we stayed friends after that. For the first part of my marriage, I talked to him every 3 months or so, but didn’t think about him obsessively or anything. But for the last year or so I feel like I can’t go a day without him on my mind, and everytime I think of him it feels wrong, I feel guilty. He only had one girlfriend after me, she looked like me, and was in fact a LOT like me, but she broke up with him when she went to college maybe only a year later. He hasn’t had another girlfriend since. I wish he had, I almost wish he didn’t want to talk to me, I have this longing for him I shouldn’t. I try to tell myself I’m just nostalgic for my first boyfriend, that he can’t be the same guy anymore. I try to tell myself the memories must be better than the reality, that he couldn’t possibly ever want me back after the way I broke his heart. But nothing seems to work. And to make matter worse when my husband and I got married he put in this horrid little addendum, which I hated at the time, that we get one “freebie” he said we should both pick one person who if we ever got the chance to sleep with it would be ok (he used him sleeping with Angelina Jolie as an example) He picked some girl who lives in London, and I picked my ex. And lately it’s all I can think about. I am so ashamed of myself.

I know what the logical outcomes are, I suck it up and stay and make it work, I leave him and try my luck with my ex, I do the wrongest of wrongs and try to have both, or some variation on the above…Right now I think I am being fickle and I need to suck it up and get over myself. But it troubles me deeply that I still think about my ex after all this time, that I in fact think of him more and more as time goes on instead of less as I had hoped and expected. The path I see myself taking is not a good one, I will be back in the states next year for my sisters wedding, and I fear if I see my ex I will stay, and that will be the abrupt end of it. But I don’t fear for me, on so many levels that excites me, but what terrifies me is what that will do to my husband. He’s given me so much, and been so good to me, he does not deserve to be cast aside so rudely! But he does not deserve to be trapped in an unloving marriage if that’s what this becomes. All I see for him is pain and it will be my fault. Why can I not bring him joy, why can I not forget my past and enjoy what I have? Why am I such a bitch! If I prayed I would pray for the strength to get past this.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. So I guess I’ll talk to myself about it. As far as I know no one reads this anymore…I mean, I suppose maybe Wyatt checks about as often as I write(but fair warning, I’m not sure you really wanna read this), I think I’m averaging once a year these days? It’s pretty laughable. My blogs pretty much dead. And I’m not even gonna bother doing a decent update on my life. I’m hoping that writing this down somewhere I can read over it will help me out somehow. Or maybe somebody who reads this will take pity on me and give me an opinion🙂 Who knows.

So for as long as I can possibly remember Mitch (my husband) has harassed me about someday having a 3-some. Naturally with myself, another girl, and him. I’ve always treated more or less as a joke. Telling him if we ever found a girl we both liked I’d consider it (we NEVER agree on women) Almost a year ago now he mentioned that maybe I’d prefer another guy as our 3rd. At first, like always, I just laughed at him. He of course suggested a very good friend of his who just horrifies me to think of. But over time I actually started to think about it. I mean, in a 3-some with 2 girls, what does the other girl DO? Not much from what I can imagine. Probably ruin the fantasy to do it for real imo. And then I got to thinking about 2 guys and myself.

Honestly I shocked myself. I came up with LOTS of things 3 people could do. Ok, so not everything I thought of was something I myself am strictly open to at this point in time. But that didn’t really make it any less appealing. And there were a few things I would be ok with….

So then we skip forward to what the current issue. One of our other friends Mitch jokingly suggested to me DOES interest me. (this was when he was prodding me about the idea of 2 guys appealing to me) So…do I tell Mitch? Seriously? Or does he not ever want to know I’d be interested in another guy, even in a 3-some setting? If Mitch WAS interested, how do we tell our friend? I mean, we hang out with him at least twice a week, but we also work with the guy. Awkward much? What if our friends not interested? Although Mitch swears up and down the guys head over heels for me. Also, if this happened, would I be obligated to search harder for a female for our expoilts >.>

 

OK completely different issue, Same general train of thought.

 

Mitch and I sort of included this thing when we got married. We each get one freebie we can sleep with if we ever get the chance. He’s got this chick out in I think London? If she can ever afford a plane ticket she’ll come here to see him and he can have her. Now I’m cool with that, I’ve talked to her, might even join in. Whatever, that’s not the point. The point is who I can be with…..

 

I’m about 99% sure I know who I’d be with. Do I tell him?

Life as a Wife

September 16, 2011

So, I got married this past weekend. Nothing big or exciting. It wasn’t exactly as planned as Mitch and I would’ve liked. We would’ve put it off for another year or so if we didn’t have to be legally married to keep me here in Canada.

Anyways, it rained, and the wedding was outside. But we had flowers and friends and food. After the ceremony someone cooked for a change and we all stayed up late and played Magic and Munchkin and a few other games while watching obscure Netflix movies.

This last wednesday I got hired by McDonalds. Now I know that doesn’t SOUND like much, but it’s got a lot more possibility than it sounds like. Yeah, I start out on my feet in a fast food joint, BUT after my first 90 days I get health care, dental and vision. I get 2 weeks paid vacation a year, and if I make it to manager I get a company car. McDonalds pays for gas and insurance for the company car. In as quick as a year I can get promoted out of the restaurant and into a desk job somewhere. Which would put me on a pretty good salary. I can keep moving up, get pay raises, and land myself a nice pay, free car, 3 weeks of paid vacation, and not need to go to college to do it. McDonalds will pay for, and send me to any and all of the classes I need. Not bad eh? Now we just have to wait and see if it all plays out as well as all that.

In all honesty though, I’m writing because I’m NOT particularly happy. I was, don’t get me wrong. But right after moving/getting married, things for the last week haven’t been the same. Yeah there’s lots of good reasons for it, but that doesn’t stop me from getting a little bummed about it. Mitch is allergic to something in our new place. So he’s wheezing and coughing and sneezing, and finally gave up and is on some allergy meds which seem to be working. Plus we’re living with our friend Chris, he’s our landlord now, and Mitch didn’t really see too much of him before, and now pretty much whenever Mitch is home, so is Chris, and the two of them are loving having someone else to plat games with. So the various problems I’ve got? Well what about me?! I play the games they play, but I don’t seem to get included. In the last week, we’ve only had sex ONCE. And it’s not my fault. And wasn’t even because Mitch really wanted it, it was because he’d been feeling bad for turning me down so many times already this week. I thought it was the wife that never wanted sex…not the husband. It’s pretty frustrating. Not to mention Mitch has gotten into some game and has been spending ALL of his free time on it. Yes, this always happens when he gets into a new game, but why couldn’t it have waited a week? We just got internet and cable yesterday, and I’m home pretty much 24/7 how bored out of my skull do you think I’m been? I do the dishes every day, and believe you me somebody’s gonna be hearing about that soon, there’s three people living here and while cooking and cleaning for Mitch is one thing, I don’t intend to keep doing it for the both of them.

You see, when I came back to Canada Mitch promised me he was going to try harder to give me more attention. Take some time away from his games and cuddle up with me, watch TV, play a game, something. And up until we moved, he WAS. He was actually spending more time with me than his games, it was wonderful! Hell, for almost a week we were having sex daily, multiple times daily! Now obviously that made me sore as all hell and had to stop, but going from all that, to nothing is driving me nuts. We’re not snuggling up and watching TV or playing games, or anything. I’m sick of sitting next to him staring at his game rubbing his back and getting snapped at for giving him kisses while he’s trying to kill things while hoping he’ll come over and love on me a little.

He’s starting to notice that I’m upset with him. And in spite of what may or may not have been his best efforts, I am now positive we need to get a dog asap, because honestly, I am lonely as all fucking hell. Yeah, from 7am to 5pm when he’s at work, but sometimes when he’s home too. Most days I’m ok with that, I’m used to it. But I need a little something more in my life, and I think I knew when I got into this that might be the case.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my husband. But I know that it’s hard for him to put anyone or anything before his games. Hell, when I’ve got WoW hooked up I’m the same way, so we’re good for each other. It’s just early in the morning, and I must’ve been sleep talking to him when he said goodbye and kissed me this morning, so I can’t remember, I just woke up and realized he was gone. It made me kind of sad becuase I was mad at him when I went to sleep last night and I wanted a chance to love on him before he went away for the day. I know when he gets home he’ll be hot and tired and he won’t be too interested in getting smothered. I suppose that’s life. I’ll have to remember to post again on here when I’m in a better mood. Life isn’t all bad, I just tend to post when I feel like it is.

-Jessica Janke

I’m Still Alive!

June 15, 2011

I’ve been thinking I might go back to writing at least semi-regularly on here. I mean a LOT has changed, and I do sort-of miss keeping some sort of journal. It’s always been a sort of release for me.

Anyways, these days I’m living in Canada. Working on getting my citizenship so I can get a job. I did graduate highschool (yay me) but my parents and I are on pretty uncertain terms. Mainly due to me having run off to Canada…I’ve been up here since November, so I got to see a Canadian winter, first time I’ve realy seen snow. Good god is it cold!

I got a summer job back in the States at Camp Winacka. So I’m pretty psyched to go back and see everybody and make a few bucks in the process. When I get back we plan on getting a puppy. Since we don’t really agree on what kind of dog we want our middle-ground option is an Akita(I’m psyched about it) but more than likley we’ll go to a rescue, hope they have an Akita, and then rescue whatever dog appeals to us most when they say they don’t. but it’s all good.

I’ve been cooking a lot. I’ve learned to make pork ribs, pudding and cake from scratch, homemade burgers, cheesey bread, garlic bread, meatloaf, bread pudding and probably a few other things. And I plan on making enchiladas at the first chance I get. It’s weird not having mexican food everywhere anymore, and I miss it. Maybe my parents will have the stuff and I can make some when I get there.

Anyways I leave on the 23rd. And today I have a doctors appointment. I wish I could say I’ve been busy….but really I’m a lame excuse for a housewife. I’m always putting off doing the dishes (although they do get done) I don’t vaccum often, and I’ve never really picked up the place…we don’t even own the products for me to properly clean the bathroom, it figures that’s probably the one thing I’d actually do too.

-Jess

Life

June 13, 2010

Things are so good that I don’t really need wordpress anymore.

Isn’t that some kinda wonderful?

-Jessica

Just Saying Hai

September 27, 2009

My homework is printing and I figured it wouldn’t kill me to pop something up here real quick.

I can’t remember what I posted last and I haven’t very much time here. So, I don’t think I mentioned that all Daniel wanted from me was sex, so I broke up with the greedy insensitive jerk ummm, 5 months ago? I dunno exactly, last few days of school though. And good riddence if he wants to treat me like that.

On another, happier, yet more awkward note….Me and Mitch…Yeah….he lives in Canada and he’s 25. So what? Yeah, you can just deal….while the two of us sort out why we like each other and what exactly we’re gonna do about it. And I’ll tell you if I feel like it so there/if you just ask me prolly.

-Jess

^.^

April 21, 2009

Downtown Song-Anberlin

[Verse 1]
Hey up town girl
Can you hear this down town song?
Wrote a couple of words to tell you
Right here is where you belong

I bet you walk the streets
Wondering who you’re thinking of
Hope you’re looking for someone to hold
And not at all in love

[Pre-chorus]
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind

[Chorus]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me, yeah

[Verse 2]
I keep asking myself
If our hands were meant to be
I know this town is busy,
But I live on Public Street

We can get out of here
If only for just tonight
Ride like some Rollin stone
That’s forced to waste your life

[Pre-chorus]
And I wonder if you can relate
To nights upon my pillow case
Eyes wide open middle of the night
You’re the last thing on my mind

[Chorus]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me

[Verse 3]
When I’m under (when I’m under)
Is it me you’re thinking of?
With this light (get on your knees)
I pray you’re not at all in love

With someone else (with someone new)
With something other than me and you
Just wanna be where you are (Just where you are)
If ever you’re lonely I won’t be far

[Bridge]
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know

Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me, yeah

Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
Only the lonely know
What nights like these do to me

^That’s just the song I got my new site name from for those of you that know/care.

So I got my first boyfriend since….Wyatt. And he’s amazing!!!!! and that’s all you know for now ^.^

I’ve Realized

March 15, 2009

I’m pretty good at fucking up my life. It’s gotta be like a skill or something. Maybe I should get an achievement for that *snickers*

Anyways, reacently, I realized I’m depressed. Not because of something new or anything. I just am. And it’s a bit of a problem. Because it’s not something I know how to fix. I’ve tried chocolates, being ahealth freak, exercise, fighting, being a loner, and “talking about my feelings” but none of it really helps. So why complain here? Well why the hell not?

I’ll admit, I’m a little jealous Wyatt has a girlfriend, and I’m still single. Granted, I probably deserve to be single, but that doesn’t make it any less lonely now does it? And yeah I know there’s a handful of guys that want to go out with me, but I’m still to damn picky. I refuse to date someone that won’t make me happy. Or that I don’t think will make me happy. Or any 1 of 500 different things. I’m a mess, what can I say?

But damn…Wyatt can’t be the only guy I ever love that’ll love me back…right? I mean, I’m not gonna be alone forever. Right? *sigh* I worry too much. But I can’t help myself.

And blah blah blah I just keep complaining. I just keep feeling sorry for myself. And you know what, my life doesn’t even suck that much! But if you don’t wanna wallow in my pit of self pity…don’t, just leave. I don’t give a fuck anymore. I mean it’s not like most of the people in my life give a fuck about me anyways. Oh yeah sure, there’s a few who do. But they’re few and far apart. Probably, I’d say right now there’s 3. And 2 of em don’t even live here, and the 3rd probably won’t even admit that he’s the 3rd. So, what else is new?

I’m tired. And I need to stop this, I’m not helping anything. Hell, maybe I’m making things worse. Seriously though? It doesn’t matter, I’m just gonna shut myself up now.

What a wonderful mess

January 12, 2009

Long time no see. I don’t even really know where to start.

Well, for one I just read Wyatt’s blog  for the first time since, well I don’t even know since when. It sounds like he’s not doing too good. Not too good at all. I wish I could help but…I don’t know how, and at this point I feel like trying to help, even with good intentions, would probably just make things worse. As much as I hate to admit it, the best thing I can do for him is leave him alone unless he asks for my help. On the off chance that happens, I’ll do everything I can…as it is, I just hope that somehow, things turn out ok.

On a different, much more selfish note; Kevin. I saw him on Friday. It was, I guess funny is the only way to describe what that was like. We acted kind of like we did when we first met. Speaking more through Katie than to each other. Both of us kind of shy. Neither one of us mentioned anything that had previously happened between us, including our ongoing silence. And as much as I just wanted to throw myself on him and cover him with hugs and kisses, I was just so happy to be able to talk to him. It was like, I dunno, a small sip of water when you’re stuck in a desert. Not enough, and horribly teasing, but you’re still greatful for what you got. If that makes any sense. I got that analogy from Ironside, although not word for word.

So between then and now several things have gone through my head. At first I decied that the best course of action would be to present Kevin with a choice, more of a dilemma really: Either he can honestly tell me he doesn’t want me-in which case I prolly go be pathetic and cry, but eventually get over myself; or he does want me-in which case we figure out what the hell is going on between us, and try to make it work. Realistically? I bet on him not knowing. The next day, after readingabout 300 pages of romance novels, I decided my best option was to basically ask him out….waay too bold, and waay stupid. Katie comfirmed that. First option made more sense. So of course after calling him, and him not answering, and me being too unsure of myself to leave a message just yet, I sat and thought things over. For one, I don’t really need him to be my boyfriend. As much as I want his love and continued caresses, they aren’t what I miss most about him. Not to be totally blunt but, it’s not too hard to find a guy that’s willing to commit physically to me. Well, maybe not commit, but you get the point. Don’t get me wrong I’m not that kind of girl, but if I really wanted that…well it could be done. What I really miss about Kevin is waking up and calling him at 6 in the morning. Having his voice be the first I hear, if only for 5 minutes. Having pointless endless philosophical discussions that never ended and never turned into fights. Talking about school, and listening to him, and sports, and exercise. And knowing we agreed, and that we both cared. Just, talking. And it was ok if we didn;t have anything to talk about. It wasn’t like we tried to fill the silence, but the silence wasn’t painful either. But never did we sit in silence, because we weren’t talking just to waste time, we were talking because we enjoyed it. We enjoyed each other. I miss the friend part of the idea of him being my boyfriend. Even though he was never mine. Furthermore, today I realized something else. If it meant I could talk to him, I would be willing to let him remain undecided on the matter of what the hell is going on between us. If he wanted, I’d even not mention it. Not even mention us kissing or anything like that. Now of course he couldn’t be off the hook that easy, I’d still be in love with him, at least for a while. And if he ever figured his own feelings out, it would still mean the world to me if he’d tell me what was going on. But…Kevin means more to me than physical affection.

So I’m not going to even try and call him again until this weekend. Partially because at this rate I’ll have an entirely different perspective by then. Partially because I have no desire to seem any more clingy than I already am. Partially due to finals, and my need to study. And also because it’s entirely likely I’ll lose my nerve, and perhaps, it’s better not to call him just yet. If he doesn’t want to talk to me yet, I should quit trying to force myself on him. If I do call him, I’ll leave a message then, and that will be that until I see him at New Jack. Which it looks like he might seriously go to. But that has some weird potential what with my parents going and all.

Again, on another note, David isn’t talking to me. I’m like 95% sure that’s my fault, the other 5% is because I know some of it isn’t. Although in all honesty I don’t know how much. I’m also pretty sure I was little harsher than I should’ve been the last time we talked and…well. That was a mistake, part of it was that in a kind of mean way I wanted to get back at him a little, show him that words can hurt even if the intention behind them isn’t mean. Mostly though, I was trying to make a point, one that I feel I’ve handled perhaps too gently in the past, because I didn’t want to hurt him. But…regaurdless of my reasons, and how I present them, I mean what I say. Perhaps not always, but in this case it’s so. I’m sorry. Probably, this won’t make a ton of sense to anyone but me. Oh well. In addition to that, while I am sincierely sorry for my being a scardey-cat, there’s is nothing that you can do to change that. And unfortunately, I don’t have any particular desire to change it myself. Better safe than sorry, and I’ve been sorry to many times for my liking.

I finally have a manner of friends. I see Katie regularly, I’m hoping Kevin and I can fix our broken relationship. The people I sit with at lunch didn’t reject me after I chopped my hair off. To the contrary, they like it. Additionally, Michael no longer gets so much as a second glance from me, although things are not as good as I wish if I feel the need to mention that. Wes has a girlfriend whom he seems to be utterly smitten with. Grats to him. Rock climbing and oceanography are going good. So as much as life sucks, it could be worse. I suppose there’s something to say for that. But perhaps, my eyes have simply adjusted to the dark.