I Give…Gave in

April 29, 2006

Ok, this is old news now but it's still big news. I gave in, and now Chase and I are talking again.

I couldn't take it without him, even if we fought, even if he doesn't love me, I still love him and living without talking to him was shredding me. In the end he was the one giving me space I think. And I'm kind of grateful, I needed it. It was his idea to let me still hug him. Every Friday he said. Well it's Friday, and guess what? He kept his promise! And he says he'll keep it, every Friday. He really can be sweet.

Jordan has been REALLY nice to me lately, maybe it's because he's seen how sad I've been, I dunno. But I'm almost certain it's not one of those "he loves you!!" type things, he's Jordan, he's just a friend…Right?

Chase hugging me totally sky-rocketed my happiness today. I mean off the walls.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament
Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

That's me.

If you get the chance look up Hero by Superchick, it's an awsome song.

I've got Broomball at midnight tonight. I'm gonna have SO much fun. I haven't played it in like a YEAR! I wish I had someone to go with tho. Even some of the funnest games are no fun without your friends. And since it's a Girl Scout only even t it was like impossible to find someone that could go. I wish Jordan could've gone. He would've had an awsome time, and boy would he ever be fun to play with!

Speaking of Jordan Alex has been telling me some interesting things about him. I asked how she found out and she said she was there…and well she was so I guess I believe her…weird. Ask if you wanna know but there's NO WAY I'm posting that on the internet. If you're a guy, esp if you're Jordan and you're reading this and you ask me do not expect me to answer you cause I don't really wanna say. Well maybe if a certain person asks the right way I'll tell you 😉 lol. Just maybe.

Hmm 9, time for chocolate? =) Naw not yet =In a little bit =l no really =)  sorry fun with smileys. hehe

Can you believe Chase didn't know why I like him??? Well…sorta…Is it really not that obvious? Does Jordan know why I like him? I did not write that. And even if I did you can't read it, it's all in your head =D hehe

Music is life…or maybe guys are…or it mught be love, or fun…you know nevermind….hehe.

The song Got it Bad by Usher, it's so me it's scary. Really. Right. Food time. Then randomness, aka games, reading, or something else.

Here's a few awsome quotes b4 I go:

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

ERROS HAVE BEEN MADE. OTHERS WILL BE BLAMED.

-Jessica lynn

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After dinner now, I took one final blog test thing…it tells me what kind of kisser I'm supposed to be. And boy is it ever me, after that Ill fill you in on my trip ok?

You are a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

Ok, now for Georgia trip details.

Airplane, 5 hours. Get there-laze around. Nine, call Jordan. We talked-I think I was maybe just a little too off the wall for him. >_< Anyhow, mpre nothingness until next night at nine. I call again, we talk a little more, he's gotta go. Next night at nine, busy can't talk. Whole rest of the week he can't talk or just plain didn't answer the stupid phone. And in all honesty the ONLY thing of any content were those short  conversations. Otherwise it was sleep-with some dreams maybe worth mentioning…read about 900 pages, and put together some puzzles.

*Yawn* Still not talking to Chase. I managed NOT to call him all week, but god why won't he keep out of my head? Why won't Jordan stay out of my head? Hmm lemme think about that. Well for one, those STUPID Chase credit card commercials won't go away, chase is a rather common term in books, and he's already in my head. Jordan's in my head because he's already there of course, I talked to him some, basketball is on TV a lot-that reminds me of him-some  person at the airport was wearing shoes that said Jordan, someone even had a basketball jersey that said Jordan number 23! It's not like I don't try to obsess over the two of them. But boy is it ever hard. Maybe obsess is the wrong word. I mean they aren't in my head THAT much…it just feels like it someontimes.

Somwtimes I wonder what life would be like if someone rescued me from myself. Some guy that really cared about me…but wasn't already caught up in my life too bad. I dunno, Braden maybe, or Chad. I mean they're close enough to help, but far enough to not actually be the source of my problems…well not any serious ones anyway.

I wonder if the people that hurt me-and yes people other than Chase and Jordan have hurt me-realize what they've done, or even what thet're doing. Maybe I'm too forgiving-ha, that'll be the day-but I don't think that the people who constantly mess with my life really mean too…well except for Chase. He doesn't count.

Remember how I wrote to Miss Sydney? Well after reading her "response" I've been debating writing back to her, something like this.

Dear Miss Sydney,

You did more harm than help in answering my question in the last newspaper about how to tell if a guy really cares. I took your advice and tried to find out the feelings of the boy I love; what ended up happening is we got into a fight and now wwe don't even talk. My mind wanders now, somethimes to suicidal things, but I have friends that put a stop to that-how can you give kids advice that screws up their lives?

-Messed Up

Or maybe I'd put a different name down, I'm not sure. But I think I know it would be a REALLY bad idea to submit something even close to that. The whole staff would be in an uproar over this potentially suicidal student. I don't want that.

Note to self: Don't take Miss Syney's advice without good reason.

Well my need to type has been satisfied. Maybe I'll call Jordan-maybe he'll feel like talking. In a perfect little world. Naw, maybe find something productive…If Jordan ever reads this I wonder if he'd a ctually have something to say for once. I wonder if he'd think it's weird that I wonder what he'd think. That was convoluted.

-Jessica Lynn

Blogthings Madness

April 23, 2006

I've been taking tests on www.blogthings.com and well…..here are some of my results!

What kind of lover are you:

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

What does your birthdate mean:

October 21

You're a restless rebel with an unpredictable nature.
Bright but unbridled, you tend to seek out wild experiences over new ideas.
People are frustrated by your great potential, but you love your unconventional life.
You're a heartbreaker. People get attached to you, and then you're gone.

How abnormal are you:

You are 48% abnormal

You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul.

You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

Dinner time! Ttyl

-Jessica Lynn

Cell Phone Madness

April 13, 2006

Right-so I got a cell phone. Good-but not why I'm typing.

Chase and I were texting each other. And now I KNOW, NO exceptions, he really doesn't like me the way I want him to… He really f***ed up my day. But it's not really his fault. Or maybe I just want him to be innocent…I dunno. He is sorry he added to my cruddy day. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the way things were before-before I loved him that is. But…I'll live.

If you want the real conversation between us ask me. But I'm not gonna advertise it.

Homework time, ttyl.

-Jessica lynn

Post 101

April 10, 2006

-I didn't feel like being very creative at the moment

I spent the first half of the day at Kenzie's B-day party, sleeping, eating, riding her new Wave board, etc. Fun.

I'm avoiding calling any guys I know…Specifically the only ones I would ever call…>_<I'm dreading calling Chase for lots of reasons-one my parents totally murdered any chance I had of making a sword-so no eternal huggage for me… 😦 , two he was supposed to call ME back-not the other way around…I'm running out of time so skipping to Jordan. I'm not gonna call him cuz..um…cuz…what in the hell would I SAY? Hi, this is the weirdo that can't stop thinking about you-so I called you instead! Uh…no! He knows a lot about me you know…maybe too much. But the only problem I have with that is it doesn't feel like he cares. I mean maybe he does and I don't know it…but I feel like I tell him these things…and he's just like yeah, that's great, and I'm like no, it's NOT. What's really bad is most of the time it's about him-and he really should have something to say about it…

Dinner time now…maybe later…I half made a fresco today. Fun.

-Jessica Lynn

We Are the Champions

April 8, 2006

That's just what I'm listening to right now-no other reasoning-for those who care to know…

Sisters boyfriend is here for dinner. I never have anyone over…everyone's always busy, and it's not like I have a boyfriend-I just wish people would stop rubbing it in my face…It's a real open sore for me.

I've been realising how desprate I am lately. It's really pretty depressing…but life goes on.I had SO much chocolate today…and doghnuts, cookies, taffy…the list just goes on! Plus I had BOTH lunch periods-kewlio.

Going back to pathetic desperate depressing crud however-a friend of mine wants to make a deal with me-I find out if this boy likes her…and she gets Chase to kiss me-but if I do that there's so many problems with that. I mean I don't want him to kiss me because of some bet, or dare-I want it only if he really means it…But at the same time-part of me could care less-I wanna rip that voice out and silence it for good. I don't know what I should do-I want to help her-but another friend of mine likes the same guy-another stone in the pile. So I get a meaningless kiss, and another depressed friend-but one friend MIGHT get her dream guy and be happy…Is it worth it? I don't think so. But how do I tell her that? She seemed so happy just talking about him!! I'll just take it as it comes I guess…

At the same time-good news. Grandpop has a forge in his backyard-and he might let me make a sword-or a dagger, or a bow, or all of them-for my Renaissance Project. A REAL sword. Awsome huh? And I have permission to bring them to school if I make em. Kewl. I tolf chase this-he said if I gave him one I caould hug him as much as I wanted all this year, next year, AND highschool…Tempting-no? But I dunno, I mean what if he gets in trouble for having it? I know it sounds like I'm making problems but…and what if Grandpop says no? What if I can't even MAKE the damned thing? Oops…don't really want to cuss, but it's how I feel-sorry.>_<But I mean, people keep dangling bait in my face-and when I jump-and I jump high-they yank it away-so it's just out of reach. Just where I gotta go a little farther, just where I can't reach. Sigh.

Enough of that-for now. Queen is an AWSOME band. And coffee, chocolate, and pain killer are miracles or the modern world….

Movie time, gonna watch Corpse Bride. Nice huh? Talk you all later!

-Jessica Lynn

Randomly Happy

April 7, 2006

I'm happy for no real apparent reason right now…SHATTER THAT AND DIE!!! lol, no jk. But don't kill it.

Today…hmm no hugs, no notes, no kisses… >_< lol no DUH. I'm just happy.

hmm……blooper of the day…I'd have to say letting Alex talk me into no wearing a shirt from PE until lunch…Even though it WAS entertaining to watch the guys stare…I WAS wearing a sweatshirt for those of you who didn't see me >_<

Then I played tag for oh-say 30-maybe 60 seconds at break >_< fleeting moments of fun.

At lunch we had fun interergating Trevor…It was a VERY disturbing conversation…but just as entertaining…I think XP

Talking with Jordan…about stuff….ask if ya wanna know. But I gotta go..

-Jessica Lynn

Yeah, confused I know

April 6, 2006

Oops, I forgot I don't alwasy make much sence…..you might have wanted to know that earlier…..but now you do! hehe

Back from the pool/gym I feel better now. Just thought you needed to know.

Now to make some sence!*warning:bad spelling may follow.*

It's hard to get over someone you see every day. It's even harder when your friends keep telling you that you can't. That there's no way you can do it. When the people you trust your life with-decide that when you need them-they're just gonna let you fall alone. Sometimes there's one to fall with-but even then it's lonely-I mean-where do you end up? At the bottom of course, but where is that?

It's beenalmost unanomously decided by my friends that I need to get over Chase and Jordan…So why don't they think I can? I do. It's hard to go alone-to go against-even harder when they keep telling me that one of them likes me. Today it's Chase-another day Jordan-and then people drag in random guys that just like me! People that flirt with me constantly that I don't hardly realize exist!

Right, long story short. Me-trying to get over guys. Friends-no support but totally agree. Friends-telling me how he SO loves me, how we look so cute together etc etc etc. Gag me now while I still don't believe them. But in all honesty I WANT to believe them…

"The best part of believe is the lie…"-Falloutboy

Ok-rant in that general area temporarily done-onto happy things and the reasoning behind my interesting name for this site!

Name reason:I just my own room-the wallpaper WILL BE a mural of-you gussed it a tropical paradice! lol. Bech at sunset-bathed in orange-silouetted*spelling I know* trees off to the side….pure bliss. The rest of the room will be orange.

Random happy things:

Random Fact:Porcupines float-sorry to all whom that may offend >_< lol

Chocolate and pain killer…..mmmmm

Bubble baths

Poetry and books…preferably my own…

Certain people who don't really feel like realizing I'm alive…wait is that happy? Right now…yeah, I guess it is.

The gym…and the pool. As long as I stop second guessing why I'm there*nods*

This long weird entry has been good….but I think I'm gonna end it right about now…ttyl

-Jessica Lynn

Alright…so I've joined this…um thingy because I saw Nicole's, so everybody go run thank Nicole for my being here. lol. I apologize in advance I'm not very high-tech-so no cool fonts or anything from me-just type. Hope you don't mind too much!

Well if I was confused before, I'm lost now. I mean I try and get over him, and sometimes, I think I've done it…but then, something happens, and he's there-and oh god he cares about me he loves me…only he doesn't. And it hurts. Or maybe hurt is the wrong choice for this-but what am I supposed to say? It makes me feel like I've lost-like I'm losing him all over again even though I never had him…..

Look I've gotta go-I'm headed for the gym-but even that has lost it's joy-I wonder if I go for me-or just to impress both of them-to make Jordan think that I'm…..you know what, I don't klnow what I think anymore-I'm leaving before I think of something I might really regret.

– Jessica Lynn

Hello world!

April 5, 2006

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

That's the starter thing and this is the starter font…I'm ditching this like NOW.