I Miss…

May 30, 2006

I miss basketball season, at least then I had an excuse to talk to Jordan…Heck I just miss Jordan.. Yeah sure I see the guy every day, but when do I ever get to talk to him? Answer-Never. *Sigh* I'm turning into a bitch-somebody save me. Help! Aw heck, nobody cares.

I miss Icia too…She was a good friend to have when the guys were being ignorant, or just not talking to me, whichever. Sigh, guitar lessons, talk to y'all later. Maybe.

-Jessica lynn 

Is Anybody Out There?

May 30, 2006

Nobody comments anymore… 😦 I feel all alone like…I should call Jordan just for the heck of it…yeah sure, in 5 after the pc kicks me off…Lara Croft kicks butt. Hehe…Tomb Radier…good time good times…lol

-Jessica Lynn

Hey Jordan, guess how many of these are for you.

Why can't I breath whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?

I'm hopelessly hopeful that you're just hopeless enough

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life? What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down

I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you

It's the first time I've ever felt this lonely,
Wish someone would cure this pain…

Real love is being stupid together

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby

I don't want to be your life, just your favortite part

It's five o'clock in the morning and I still can't sleep
Thinking bout your beauty it makes me weak
I'm feeling hopeless in my home
I don't know what to do I think i'm in love

Dinner, Girl Scouts, etc, I'll talk with you later.

-Jessica lynn

Things I'll Never Say-by Avril Lavigne(ok-if you didn't the others you GOTTA this. Please? Especially if your name is Jordan. I never said that)

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it–yeah

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you–away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down–on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

It won't do me any good it's just a waste of time
What use is it to you what's on my mind
If it ain't comin out we're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care

Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it yeah

If I could say what I wanna to say
I'd say I want to blow you-away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I wanna to see
I want to see you go down–on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

What's wrong with my touunge?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter I stumble like I've got nothing to say

Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it–yeah

I quess i'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you–away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down–on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

These things I'll never say

There's just so many things…So many questions. What can I do to make you see, make you see how I really feel? How can I NOT feel this way? Why won't you let me? Why do you look at me that way? Why can't you see the way I look at you? Why don't you care as much as you say you do? Why can't I just tell you how I feel? Why did you lie to me? Why did you do this to me? Why do I have to blame it all on YOU? Why can't I get the guts to just go and ask you? Do you love me? Is it just because I'm scared? No, it's because I know what the answer is, or I think I do, and I don't want to hear it.

Nobody's been commenting on my blog. Sadness. If you've been reading say SOMETHING, please. I know I've said something worth while. And if you haven't you sure as hell better read the two posts before this. Jordan where did you go? I mean you're right there all the time. But I can't talk to you. I don't ever get the chance…

Nobody talks to me anymore. Nicole decided she hates me or something. Sam and Kenzie just talk about what a hypocritical bitch Nicole is and how she should treat her friends better. And while they do that they shun me…Jordan, he's a special case, but I don't get to talk to him much either way. Jordan, is being less of a bitch-good, and we've actually found something we can talk about *coughcough* but she's still torure 😀  That's pretty much everyone I see at school. And none of them really talk to me.

It's the first time I ever felt this lonely, I wish someone would just cure this pain.

Why does Jordan have to be so darn touchy? I make one wrong move and he stops talking to me!! Why oh why oh WHY?! What did I do? I'm not gonna bother saying I never said that, I did you're being a jerk evil and I don't why. And it HURTS, do you get that? You don't have to be HURTFUL for me to understand you. I'll listen to you just because of who you are. And I'm 5'3 I don't THINK you're taller than me, last I checked you weren't, but I've been wrong more than once, and if you want me to say sorry one more time, well here it is. I'm SORRY. Sorry, for falling in love, sorry for saying yes, for being myself, sorry for being so sensitive, sorry for everything I could've ever done to you and even what I didn't do. Are you happy now?

Note: If you didn't read the scratched out stuff go do that now. On ALL of my posts. *hint hint, nudge nudge**Sniff*

-Jessica lynn

Tomorrow-By Avril Lavigne(Shut up I love her lyrics)

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today…

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
Is a different day,
tomorrow,

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't

Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today…

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
Is a different day

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today…

Tomorrow it may change

It's just like when people tell me that it's fine, that everything will be ok. It WON'T, it never is. But god oh god oh god I wish it was. Falling, falling, falling, won't anybody try and catch me?

Anything but Ordinary-by Avril Lavigne(SHUT UP-it's awsome ANYWAY)

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is a beautiful
accident, turbulent succulent
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh my self to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
oh
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Well I fit this song. I'm not ordinary, and geez life sure as hell isn't enough.

I'm wrting my book so I'm not really focused…It's a good book so far. My friends…ok Friend-Icia-that have seen it in it's current state LOVE it. It's one of those books that has a romance at it's heart. One of those he loves her, she loves him, but neither knows that the other likes him/her. And then on top of that there's a war going on, and there's people dying, friends mostly, and all those mixed signals and misunderstandings, betrale, and such. Then add contending 'lovers' and a twist*mystical crud, other world, dragons etc* and you've got my book. Fun. If you want to read it ask a day, maybe up to a week beforehand so I have time to change all the names. 😛 right now I have names of real people… Like me, Chase, Jordan, Sam, Nicole, Alex, etc. Not many people have a new name yet.

Ok…and let's see…Evil Alex is being a mind reader again. Hehe.

Oh, confusing moment of the day. Jordan was bothering me in math because she wanted to meet Jordan. So at lunch, since I didn't really feel like dragging Jordan over to meet Jordan, I dragged Jordan to Jordan instead. Jordan was being Jordan, and Jordan was being Jordan. So he said hi, and she turns to me and says ok, he might be hott, but he can't be because he's too short, a 7th grader, and…yeah. So he's just cute. I laughed. Then Jordan and I had a REALLY fun convo about Jordan and other guys…Jordan's gonna make me wear short-shorts tomorrow….eh

I was talking to Jordan's li'l bro tonight, and

Chase the ppl:I should adopt you!! You could help me take revenge on my sister!! Whoohoo!

x101saustin: lol

Chase the ppl: lol

Chase the ppl: Jordan can come too 😀 -lol

8 bye ttyl

-Jessica lynn

And in need of more pain-killer, stupid headaches and fevers.

Well what's messing with me now? I'm jealous over something really stupid. Actually, I'm not even sure if I'm jealous, I can't think straight, all I know is that it bothers me. But *geez I feel really stupid right now…*  Supposedly *see, see, I don't even KNOW* Erica and Holly are over at Jordan's house. Why can't it be me?

Everybody BUT me goes places. Kenzie always has somewhere to go. Jordan goes ice-skating all the time. Sam has time for two lives. Even Nicole has things to do! *not that that's a surprise-she's just more like….well me* But ME. I'M DIFFERENT. Nobody ever invites me. Nobody ever thinks about me, or wonders if I might want to tag along. Not even as a last resort. And when I hint at it I get laughed at. People call me stupid and I just go along with it to protect my pride.

I think sometimes that's all I really have left-pride. I mean my friends ditch me enough for me to get a clear message of how much I matter, enough for me to wonder why I call them my friends. I mean they get MAD at me even for calling them sometimes. It's not like they're going to call me though.

My grades are getting better, but who cares? I know I'm CAPABLE of algebra, and GATE, and all that other crud, I just have to focus. Get Chase, and Jordan, and every other guy and problem out of my  mind and I'll be fine. Ha! Like THAT'S ever gonna happen again!

This is bothering me that I feel like a spoiled brat with some of the stuff I write…But I still write it, what can I say? I'm too predictable, I need something new in my life. But I'm trapped. Suffocating.

Something of Value-YellowCard

All that I needed to hear from you
something of value but something untrue
All that I wished that I'd find within you…

See how what she wanted and she needed
Tore it all down in the end
Some how like a sickness she infects me
She's simple but deadly my friend

All that I needed to hear from you
Something of value but something untrue
All that I wished that I'd find within you
Stings when I see all the ways that you…

Took me for granted and told me it's through
Picked from my pockets and smiled
Empty is nothing and nothing is you
I Think I'll just sit for a while, for awhile

See how what I wanted and I needed
It wasn't enough in the end
some how with the quickness
i forgot her i realized
she wasn't my friend

See how what I wanted and I needed
It wasn't enough in the end
some how with the quickness
i forgot her i realized
she wasn't my friend

All that I needed to hear from you
Something of value but something untrue
All that I wished that I'd find within you
Stings when I see all the ways that you…

Took me for granted and told me it's through
Picked from my pockets and smiled
Empty is nothing and nothing is you
I Think I'll just sit for a while

All that I wished that I'd find within you
Something of value but something untrue

That's pretty much how I feel. I'm looking for something, but it's a lie. But these days I want it so bad what I WANT to hear is that one lie. I don't care that it's a lie, I don't care if you don't really mean it…None of it matters anymore. None of it…

I'm lost, I'm alone, and I'm scared. Somebody, anybody, show me the way out. I'm scared I give up! So is it over yet? Can I go home now?

Only there is no end, there is no home. I'm lost, I'm scared, I'm alone, nobody ever cared, why should they now? Or, well I shouldn't say that. Some of you did try. Some of you tried really hard. But just when you had, just when you got going you gave up. Or you're giving up. Or maybe you forgot. I don't know, but I feel forgotten again.

On the other hand it's just as likly I just started to feel needy again and decided I want MORE. Give me MORE. I guess I can be a greedy bitch some days. Is that how everybody sees me? As a greedy bitch? An annoying, weird, self-centered, greedy bitch? Oh God please tell me it's not true, tell me I didn't do this to myself! Or at least if I did, tell me there's a way out…I NEED a way out, I just wanna fit in. I give up, I don't care about "being me" anymore, I just wanna fit. I wanna be like everybody else. I wanna be normal. I want a boyfriend…And I want I want I want…Here I go again. Damn.

I want to blame this on my fever. So I might go take my pain-killers now. But I…Never mind.

Maybe talking to Jordan would be good right now. No it would be awsome, perfect. But I can't, one because, well, people say things, but they don't always mean it, you know? I mean, for once, I'm thinking about someone else-would he really want me to call him? I'm not sure, the last time I assumed something I was dead wrong. Let's not screw up again. Another reason I shouldn't/can't call him is because Erica and Holly are *supposedly* over at his house. *leaving me all alone…but you know what, I was never really a fixed person in Jordan's life…I don't think. I may be hard to forget-but I'm also hard to accept*

I guess that's something about me I can like…That people will remember me.

Eight now, Night.

-Jessica lynn

Behind Blue Eyes

May 20, 2006

I don't care if I don't have blue eyes, this is a good song-so shut-up, please.

Behind Blue Eyes-Limp Bizkit

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

(The center alignment thing broke….for now hehe)

Ok look-to everyone who's reading this. I don't know what's gotten into me, but lately I've been REALLY mean and bitchy. I'm really sorry. But I don't know what's going on, being a little MORE emotioanal*if at all possible* isn't helping either. And I'm losing weight-I know lots of girls are trying to, but I'm already under weight! And it's bothering me. And Chase is telling me not to talk to him anymore and I don't know WHY, and I'm bitching at people that didn't do anything, and I'm getting these freaking killer headaches and it's putting me in an even crabbier mood, so I've been taking some pain killers, but those make me kind of loopy, and forgetful, I'm not sure if it's worth the lack of pain and bitchyness.

And whoever you are reading this-I'm not trying to dump my problems on you, you don't need to help-heck I'm not sure you CAN, but anyways, I'm just telling you what's going on, so if I say slap you, or just act like a total bitch you know why.*yes I know I call myself a bitch a lot-but get over it..please*

I found a cool song on the internet-I'm not sure who wrote it so I'll work on finding out if I can, but I do have the title…*and the song-please read it, I really love it-it's like made for me…only it's not*

The Other Day

When the world, feels, cold and empty,

And there's no one left to help you.

You just come, right, back here and find me,

I'll tell you just what to do.

 

Because there's never a day

 We can all have our way,

And there's always a face

We want to forget,

And there's still someone out there,

Waiting for you,

But you don't know what to do.

The other day, I, came, back and found you,

But you turned me right back around.

Said you already, had, enough, chores to do,

And I couldn't be dragging you down.

Because there's never a day

 We can all have our way,

And there's always a face

We want to forget,

And there's still someone out there,

Waiting for you,

But you don't know what to do.

 

As I looked, right, back on the good times,

I wondered where we'd gone wrong.

'Cause I still, see, you when the sun shines,

And through these long rainy nights.

 

Because there's always a day

 That we find a way,

And there's never a face

We were meant to forget,

And we hope that there's someone,

Waiting for us,

'Cause we don't know what to do,

No we don't know what to do.

Maybe I'll go take some mopre pills or something. I'm not sure. I'm really lonely right now. I wonder what it would take to get Jordan to hug me…Hmmm, maybe I'll ask him sometime..HA! Like I'll ever get the nerve to do that. It's gotta be some kind of miracle I can even talk to him without getting all tounge-tied…wait, I get tounge-tied ANYWAYS, nevermind.

Oh God my head hurts….

-Jessica lynn

This isn't gonna be much of a post but I'm gonna try and answer all of your questions Jordan. *and ones you didn't ask :P*

Ok, YES I thought you haven't been reading this. I kinda need you to post if you read it. *yes even if all you have to say is "ok…." I know this probably seems pretty weird or pathetic, or whatever you wanna call it, but I really need*ok WANT* to feel like you care*and even if you do care and just don't post I still want you to post*and when I can actually TELL that you've read this it makes me feel like you care.* *even though you already care..hehe-confusing huh?

Question number two: Why would I ever want to slap you? Oh there are SO many reasons. I don't know where to begin. Well let's see…for all the times you've been a jerk, for all the times you ignored me, hurt me, scared me, crushed my hopes…Do I need to go on? If I do actually ask ME, I don't care if you have to call me, find me at school, or just IM me, but I'm not going to put that on this…a certain someone would kill me :D. But yeah, and that's not even HALF of it!

…Going on…Wait…I think that's it….if it's not tell me ok? Hehe…Almost out of time.

Anyhow right now it's Chase I feel like slapping*I feel so girly saying I wanna slap someone…I hate it* But I can't tell anyone the whole story…hehe-sorry. Anyhow he got on AIM for the first time in almost a year….and he won't talk to me!!!! *Screams-lol*

Take deep breaths now….in……and out…….in…….and out

-Jessica lynn

Ok this is going to probabaly sound really weird-and I apologize, but I can't help if my PC crashes in the middle of me typing.Anyways…Let's see if I can pull this off again.

Jordan can be a really sweet guy sometimes, but othertimes I just wanna slap him good and hard across the cheek.*funny how slapping can be apealing to punching-it still leaves a mark but it stings too* Now I know that what other people think about me doesn't really matter-that it's all what I think about me. But sometimes I let people get close enough to influence what I think. Jordan's one those people. Here's a good example*not really but I'm using it anyway*

Jordan's been reading my wordpress, and talking to me, just little things like that make me totally ecstatic. Sad I know but true. I'm pretty easy to please. But lately he's stopped reading my wordpress, and it makes me feel like a dropped toy-like I'm not worthy of attention anymore. And it sucks. It's not like he wants to hurt me-I don't think-but he does anyway.

MY philosophy in life used to be "Take what ya got, 'cause you're only getting it once, pick it up and run with it. Run as fast ,as far, and and long as you possibly can, and don't stop 'til ya drop." these days it's a little mjore like "kill me now." I wanna be that way again. But I'm not sure how. I'm second guessing EVERYTHING-like why I go to gym. Heck even why I talk to Jordan, or Chase!

Why I type this instead of making a new blog is a question I've answered. I hate the answer. Loathe it. In a sense. At the same time I wanna hug it, and kiss it, and be like "OMG I love you!!!" lol jk, but you get the picture.

I am really out of time. I wanna post this before the internet shuts off…so…

THE END

jk, night.

-Jessica lynn

I’m With You

May 16, 2006

I'm With You-by Avril Lavigne*spelling? lol*

I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I… I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I… I'm with you
I'm with you
Yeah, yeah.. Oh!
Why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yeah yeah yeah…yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeeeeaaaaaah
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I!
I'm with you!
I'm with you!
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I!
I'm with you!
I'm with you!
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you

I feel like that a lot. And no it's not really such a bad thing. But a lot of the time I feel like I'm blindly trusting these people I hardly know. I mean look at my life, I go and spill my guts to people that I love-but I don't even KNOW them…What's wrong with me?

If I wanna go to the gym tonight I've gotta go do some chores, homework, etc. so…

-Jessica lynn