Going…Down?

May 4, 2006

Looks like it…my happy-go-lucky demeanor is really taking it's toll on my mind. I mean I know no ever thinks of me as one of the sanist people *although I wish they would-sometimes it gets old being the clueless person that just hangs around listening but without any real conribution* but being all happy now makes people think I'm even more off the deep end than they did before. They don't know that it bothers me…I don't think. You see if anyone really understood what was going on here I'd lose control…and that's something I need. It's not some "control freak" thing. It's not like that, I just want control over MY life…isn't it supposed to be…well, mine?

Sometimes I feel like I need a break…but there's no pause button in my life. If there was there are so many things I could've avoided. Fights, broken hearts…well no…just mine I think, but mostly the mistakes. I get mad over little stupid things when it's too much for me to handle…one too many things and I'm gone, but nobody but me ever seems to think it's a big deal-just more people saying "yeah so?" and it hurts sometimes. From some people more than others.

More often now days, I just get that feeling that the whole world wants me dead, and all I wanna do is go crul up in a little ball and die. In the end I just curl up and cry. But when I cry I feel like I'm losing, like I'm giving, like I'm weak. If there's one thing about myself I can't take it's how I always feel so weak, and helpless. Like the world does what it wants with me, like I have no real say in what goes on in my life. But sometime I gotta stop dreaming about the life I want, and start living the life I need.

But what do I need? I'll just let this wound heal for a bit, like I always do…but right befopre it can heal and add to my collection of scars, I pick it open, just to feel the pain again, to feel alive. Just to remember that I'm as far from perfect, or even average as I've ever been-and things sure as hell don't look like going my way any time soon.

If only I could go back,

 To change what I had done

for reasons more than fun.

Back when everybody cared,

And worries never vanished,

because they were never there.

Sometimes I wonder when exactly it was that my life took a turn for the worst. I mean for the longest time everything seemed so, so perfect. Only at the time I didn't know there was no such thing as perfect and that nothing ever lasted. But when I did learn, boy did I learn it hard. I mean I knew I'd gone too long without the real pains of life…but geez it came outta nowhere!

Now I'm on my guard for every little thing, but too late-what I need to worry about already slipped past my defenses. And I'm fighting a losing battle. Or I was, until someone that had been hurting me-hurting me more than anyone else-turned around and started to help me. To fight the pain, the hurt, and the fear. But it felt like just as soon as I had something to hold onto, someone new to trust, I've got even more to fight. Like whatever it is out there that doesn't like me was just laughing in my face. So you know what? I just laughed right back. I said well f*** this, you wanna torture me? I'll laugh. You wanna play tough? Sure I'll slug ya right back. You want a nice helpless girl slumped on the floor crying? I'll kick and scream and punch and cuss, cause I'm not giving up without a fight. I may be crying, bloodied and bruised, but I won't be the only one at the end of this. If I go down I'm gonna drag anything I can along with me…anything that I'd want to have and end such as my own that is.

Lying in the Cold

Lying in the cold,

Leaving soon here without a soul

I've lost the courage I've lost the will

I won't be long here till my heart goes still.

Crying, dying, bloodied and bruised,

I feel betrayed, mistreated and used.

But even in the end,

I refuse to bend,

I refuse to break.

This was my life and this is my choice,

I'll leave this world and yet I'll remain,

In heart and soul, body and mind.

People who never knew me will remember my voice

And all that I've ever done will prove that we have won,

That in the end we only wanted to have fun,

That this was just another day in the sun.

Well that got unexpectedly happy at the end..hmm I think I kinda like it…sorta, dunno. It was fun to type…I just made it up. You know I used to write poems for people-about what they make me think of. I'm still pretty good at it, even if it does take me a little longer now days.

My little leather-bound book…it's seen so much. But it feels nothing. If only books could speak-what a story it would have to tell…as it is it's just stuffed full of poetry.

If anyone was wondering*doubt it*nothing happened in school today. Well unless you count being almost completely ignored by EVERYONE. It really is like I don't exist. And people are believing me less and less when I say I'm not crazy…Is it possible I was more sane when I was depressed? Should I just withdraw from the world again so people will care? I want to feel loved so bad…but some part of me says I don't need it, and ooh how it bothers me. Because times like now I feel like it's all I've ever wanted and all I need. Then there's that little voice "Paticence, paticence…" but it feels like I've been waiting forever. Why won't it just stop? Maybe because I've gotta stop it myself.

I was better off without this blog maybe. Now that it's here I wonder if I type in hopes of someone reading it acidentantally and caring, or because it's a release, or if I just need to type it down or what. I just want to feel loved. And sometimes I think I cross the line in order to feel loved. Just for someone to care a little. I know that now, but is it too late? I'm not sure. If you've read this far whoever you are thank you, I guess if I weren't in such a ditch right now I would be thanking you for getting this far-instead I'm asking you a favor-I apologize first. However, all I want to know is if you can help me. Or if I'm too far gone yet.

A hug,

a kiss,

pure bliss

is this.

Short, sweet, simple poetry. Yes I wish for those things-but obviously I'm not asking for them-that would be a little overboard yes? And who that actually loves me would read this? I'm sure I don't know. But a hug would be nice no matter who you are. But don't feel pressured. Since I don't know who reads this really or how often those people read it it's not like I can expect anything from anyone.

I haven't been eating again lately. I need to though. When I do eat I eat like a horse. It's not healthy but I can't help it. In the mornings I have no time. And at other times there's just so much food! And then sometimes it's just not an option to eat. I'm losing weight again. I'm down to 90 pounds. I'm supposed to be about 145. But I was losing weight even before the eating problems came up again. Maybe if I could drag my sorry butt out of bed in the mornings I could make then bus AND eat. As it is I've gotta pick-if I miss the bus I miss school-that's not an option. I'm gonna try for all three meals tomorrow instead of just a banna, or a cookie, or some yogurt while I sprint half a mile to the bus stop. That just makes me moody-not eating-so I'm sorry about being so snappy lately, it was just adding to my "problem" at the time. Bad combination, more so when I've run out of chocolate and pain killer…It's weird how I can go on about pain killer and yet never have taken any.

I'm prolonging this-I've got to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to snap myself out of this, if it's playing my flute, or my guitar, or singing, or baking cookies, or reading or WHAT I DON'T CARE. Just so long as it fixes me.

Whoever you are I've put you through enough, I'm sorry. But thank you, thank you so much. Sometimes I just need to live a little…but it's hard without much of a life. *Evil Jordan…the GIRL…dragged me all over the place at lunch, I almost didn't get to eat she was so busy dragging me…sometimes I just want to strangle her. seriously it makes me jump every single time someone says her name, I turn arounf expecting see Jordan there, but of course it's just her. I've stopped jumping eveytime the phone rings, but that doesn't stop me from almost always being the one answer the phone still, or stop my heart rate from doubling or tripling the one in 50 times the phone is actually for me. That's a habit I wish I could drop…or at least knew why I picked it up.*

What did I do in life to make me run into him? I mean when I was in sixth grade my first impression was that if there was any God he absalutely LOVED me. A few weeks later I felt like roadkill-after about nine or ten semi-trucks went by. After a few months into the year I felt pretty ok-my heart raced every time I saw him and I wished I'd never said yes-but that at least was an improvement. By the end of the year I had come as close to forgetting him as I ever would I thought-since I'd met Chase…Chase was completely different. When I met HIM my first impression was-Wow, this kid is obsessed with cocolate milk and crazy…maybe crazier than me…if that's true I can talk to him and not be the weird one…cool, ok-yeah, differnet huh? I got to know him and he was more like me than I thought. We were just plain really good friends for a month or two..maybe even three-then my friends start with the "He likes you!" "You like him!" crud…well it didn't take me long to realise they were right…on my half anyway. Well I talked to Chase and uh…let's just say it didn't go to well. But I'm not used to this sort of thing-so for the past…oh say year, I've been a pest…in my own opinion. But he disagrees…I don't get it. What I did finally get through my thick head is that he doesn't like me…even though I still like him, at least I'm less of a nuicance, and I still get to hug him. With Jordan no such luck. He's still in my head, and since this school year he decided he could talk to me again, I've this little spark of hope that just won't go out. I'm not sure if he'd like that too much if he knew it…but it's true. In my heart of hearts I wish I could say I knew he didn't love me…but it's just like with Chase-the apparent facts are only going skin deep. It's enough for me not to ACT like I'm still in love with either of them, but not enough for me to give up. It's so much easier when they like someone else, or have a girlfriend. But with both of them free it's just like "Here I am. But you can eat your heart out cuz I'm not yours." Torture. Every little thing they say or do…A little "Think of me." or "I'll call you back ok?" gets my hopes up. What's really bad is if they say that and don't call me back-I feel like they're toying with me. Or if they tell me not to call in the first place I still feel hurt. Why do girls have to be so emotional? I didn't ask for it! It's like a curse! The girls get all the problems, we're the ones no one really respects, and yet we're the one who have to put up with everything. We're the ones that really make a difference when it matters-but so many of us throw away what we have-or give us a bad rep. There's so many ditsy idiots out there that when someone like me steps up and I fight back-they call me names, think I'm weirder than I am. Just because I don't fit the mold… "You laugh at me because I'm different…I laugh because you're all the same." but right now I'm not laughin' at any of this…I feel like vrying but that would be worse. So I hold it back, and bear what feels like the world on my shoulders and go on. Alone. People listen and say they understand and give advice. But no one out there really gets down and bears it with me. Nobody wants to do the dirty work, or even give more than a pat on the back saying good job. No hugs or any real sign that anyone could care if I dropped off dead. Well thanks for all you did…and that was what again?

I…I don't know what's gotten into me..I've got to go. There's…there's something wrong here. Terribly wrong.

-Jessica lynn

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