I Really Screwed Myself Over This Time

May 11, 2006

I'm an idiot an idiot an IDIOT!!!! I just wanna curl up in a ball and DIE. A little tiny ball that no one could ever possibly miss. I wanna cry and cry and cry until it hurts to breath and I never wanna see the sun smiling down into my eyes again. I want it to rain and be night forever. So I never need to see all those happy people and the sunny side of life again. Only nothing ever happens my way…sunshine forever. Oh JOY.

So much of this I want to write…What anyone and eveyone needs to understand here*since a certain SOMEONE went and told a bunch of people and went and even ASKED HIM ABOUT IT* is that what I type here needs to stay here or with me and whomever reads it. If you think that's too much f***ing reponsibility don't read this. From here on out no more stars, I'm gonna cuss. Hopefully just for this one post. No garentee though. 'Cause if you didn't know, since cussing is "bad etiquit" and "not allowed" it makes me feel A LOT BETTER if I cuss.

So here's the deal, start to finish. Over-all for you people that don't wanna know what's really going on-LIFE FUCKING SUCKS, AND DOESN'T HAVE AN END IN SIGHT. Because I promised someone that matters to me more than they could ever know that I would NOT  commit suicide until I'm out of highschool…by which time I'll go into colleage and maybe have a decent livable life.

I'm an over-spontaneous-self-confident-bitch sometimes. You should all know that. Mostly because it's true. But that doesn't mean I bitch-slap or anything, I can just be testy, rude, and insensitive.

Well my lonelieness got the better of me recently. Jordan won't hug me. I know he has every right not to want to hug me. It bothers me, but I'm not going to force him to do anything. I mean forcing people to do things doesn't really do anything for their opinion of you. And yeah Chase DID give me a hug on Friday as promised. But after you read this you'll see that that is NOT ever going to fucking happen again. And for those of you that don't know*I don't care who reads this or what you say..but don't wreck my life ANY MORE PLEASE!*the kid I sit next to in science class, Braden. We used to hug every now and then to. But even that's stopped. I don't know why. I don't even know if I care. But I do wonder why he ever hugged me, and why he stopped. But that has virtually no bearing on what's going on here.

I'll try and make this brief. Not really. Ok, YESTERDAY, I forgot to write down my math homework. So I called Chad. Who I've kind of had a minor crush on ever since I met. Just one of those "he's cute, he's nice, if he asked me out I'd at least consider it" type things. Well when you get REALLY fucking lonely and depressed those seem REALLY BIG. Well after I got my math homework I decided I was lonely and had to talk to Chad. Being so spontaneous and upfront I just said "I'm gonna talk to you now because I want to" smooth right?

Well I talked to him for a good bit. Got MORE spontaneous/confidence..and well. I asked him out. I know everyone was just like you WHAT?! That really makes me feel crappy. Which I didn't need after he just kinda said…Can I think about it? And I'm like uh no-I'll like shred myself thinking about this all night. So he just said no. Everytime I try, it's the same. NO. It's seems like the people that I don't like fall in love with me…That's an exaggeration I know but shut up about it. The people I like act like it sometimes…or maybe I just really wish they did. But they don't ACTUALLY ever really feel anything for me. And the ones who do are too late, or too early. My life hates meshing.

Well that was expected, but enough of a slap in the face to bring me back from happy-go-lucky-la-la-land. But it took me a little overboard and into a state of I'm-dead-and-can't-think-so-fuck-off-or-help-me. Not really all that great but not bitchy really yet. Snappish, short-tempered, and delussional, but not bitchy.

So that was where I was when school ended today. Then my fucking bus driver fucking ditched my route. Of course I'm the only kid on my bus without a way to get home without the bus. I sat there for an hour because the stupid principal said the bus would be there in 15 minutes, NOT. So I got lucky, I went to Nicole's place. Things were looking pretty spiffy right about then.. Yeah.

I carried her 40 pound bike most of the way up Oviedo… It was fun. Then we ate. Texted Chase and messed with his head some-it was fun. My little Nickle*lol nickname* was gonna show me all these letters or poems or something Jordan gave her. But she couldn't find them. At least she knows she didn't burn hers like I did. That was a mistake. But she did give me a picture of him. She e-mailed it to me a long time ago. She also gave me a different one once, but Jordan threw it away. It made me sad but I figured I might of done the same if someone I didn't like like that had a picture of me…I don't know though. She showed me some songs she wrote and we also played some game..no idea what it was but it was fun. More like awsome though.

On the way out we/I was still teasing/texting Chase. I mentioned Truth or Dare, not as a question or anything…but he said truth. So went along and I asked who he liked. At first he said no one, like he always does. And then he changed his mind. He told me who he likes. For his sake*surprised I'm defending him-I feel like ripping his throat out*I won't say who, but she doesn't go to out school and she's not famous. Well I asked him if she knew he liked her, or if she liked him…She likes him.

I was crushed. Completely and totally. I have nothing. No one. Well, Sam, and Nicole. And Jordan's awsome but…it's not the same. I mean, I still love him, and as far as I know he wants to be friends. And Chase…I had some faint hope that I didn't even know was there until it was crushed. And now I'm like…DIE.

I know it doesn't sound so horrible to you. Well there's more. But I don't wanna just throw it out here for everyone. Plus it hurts more than anyone, except for people who've experianced it, could ever imagine.And I'm just about out of time tonight.

There's more. There always is. But that will go into my real journal. If you ask and I really trust you'll find out. Otherwise. I'm done for now.

Here's a good song. Perfect Situation by Weezer-

What's the deal with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation
I let love down the drain.
There's the pitch, slow and straight.
All I have to do is swing
and I'm the hero, but I'm the zero.

Hungry nights, once again
Now it's getting unbelievable.
'Cause I could not have it better,
But I just can't get no play
From the girls, all around
As they search the night for someone to hold onto.
I just pass through…

ooooooh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh oohh.
ooooooh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh oohh.

Get your hands off the girl,
Can't you see that she belongs to me?
And I don't appreciate this excess company.
Though I can't satisfy all the needs she has
And so she starts to wonder…
Can you blame her?

oooooooh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh oohh.
oooooooh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh oohh.

Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.

oooooooh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhhhhhhh.
oooooooh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh Oohh.
ooooooooooooooh owoooooo owoooo owo owooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooo owo owoooooo wwwowwwo wowowoww

Well I'm going to go maybe cry myself to sleep or something. Thanks for reading this. Good Night.

-Jessica lynn

-I didn't ask for this


2 Responses to “I Really Screwed Myself Over This Time”

  1. yayitsmexx said

    Man your life sucks right now..

    I don’t know what to say!

  2. LL COOL J said

    you liked chad????!?!?!?!?!?

    i feel so bad for you, just remember im always here for you, when you sit and tell me those long rants.


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