Where Did I Go?

May 11, 2006

*Read post below this one first if you want to understand ANYTHING* 

Man I'm really f***ed up. (yes I'm reverting to stars…for a little bit) I don't know what I'm supposed to do now…

It kills me how I can keep any promise I make to absaloutely ANYONE…EXCEPT For…myself.

And I can be strong, be helpful, be THERE for anyone…except for me.


I'm not sure. But anyways, I ended up talking to Chase (more like got cornered by him and decided I had nothing left to lose) and he still doesn't wanna get what's going on here.

I didn't really get a good chance to talk to Jordan. And you know what. Sam says Chase is lying, and if I believe something like that is true instead of seeing it for what it "really" is (him supposedly flirting with me-yeah right) that I deserve what I get. Now maybe I'm contorting what she said some, but that's how I feel. It was like a punch in the stomach.

Nicole was very sympathectic and caring and well…Nicole like. 😛 It helped a lot.

It feels weird to realise that I wanted to tell Jordan about all of this before I told Sam…but I'm not exactly sure why. I mean is it just because I like him? Or do I REALLY actually trust him, not just because I like him? I'm not sure if I'll ever find out.

Today-since I promised a certain person that I wouldn't cut- I took my fingernails and cut deep enough to make my skin red, puffy, and painful-but not enough to bleed-making it NOT cutting. But now I have a red slash across my wrist…and well, I shouldn't.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Or even if I can do something. I just want to feel LOVED. Is that really so much to ask? Alex could see it in my eyes-she didn't even have to ask…I guess it's that obvious. I mean she was going to go and tell someone-maybe find someone to comfort me, I said no, don't, she started to protest and I looked up and she just said oh Jess, oh Jessie I'm so sorry. What really gets me is she's not the one who did anything.

I think what's kept me fairly sane today is that I haven't cried. I can thank only myself for that, because god how I tried to cry. Thankfully, dehydrated people don't cry.

Lie to me, and say it's going to be alright.

She makes you fall head-over-heels, I can't even make you stumble…

I don't do to well on my own… Looks like I'm gonna have to fix that. 'Cause there sure as hell isn't a safety net today.

While I'm like this lemme show you some of the stuff I've written in the past 48 hours or so.

Better than the Rest

Somehow you think you're better than the rest,

Better than the geeks

and the cutters and the freaks.

But even if you won,

You could never be the best;

Because once each day is done

Yet another has begun,

And there is another way,

We have another shot,

To show you who we are and who you're not.

That's the absaloute happiest it gets.

Roller Coaster Feelings 

Roller Coaster Feelings,

They get stronger in the evenings.

Twisting, turning, up and down,

Make me giggle, make me frown.

Sorry for my meaness,

I really didn't mean this.

But this Roller Coaster Madness,

Has filled me up with sadness.

That one's odd but it's fairly accurate.

(It doesn't have a title yet)

Rip my heart out and let it bleed,

Don't worry or wonder about what I need.

Leave me alone in the darkness to die,

Without the will of the life left to try.

That's all for now on poetry. I've got hundreds sure, and I write more all the time. But you probably wouldn't want or care to see it.

Well I'm lost, come find me if you want to, I'll wait. Talk to you later. I hope.

-Jessica lynn


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