Getting “Better”

May 12, 2006

Well I'm talking to Chase*as you should know…I think* and I just spent a good two hours or so explaning to him what happened-mostly because there was a lot, and no-there is NO WAY I'm posting all of that up here. But he's got a girlfriend, he's got a life, I'm just not all that important in it. I hurts like hell, sure it does. But when you really love someone-you've gotta let them go. If it was really meant to be they'll come back to you. So I'm trying I wished the two of them good luck, through tears that I'm never going to shed. I should be happy. He knows he hurt me, but there's nothing that can be done about it.

There's gotta be something wrong with me. As soon as the shock of this gets through to me I just accept it and move on. I mean I've already got Jordan in my head again!…Wait, he was there first anyways…I'm still completly confused. I STILL WANT to say that Jordan likes me. And I'm hard pressed to find anyone but Nicole and myself to disagree. I know it's weird that I WANT him to like me but at the same time think he doesn't. But that's how it is. That's how it's always been.

He means a lot more to me then he knows I'm pretty sure. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever in anyone's head as much as they're in mine. But then again, who would be thinking about ME? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm all alone again. But this time, this time I'm gonna let it go. When I try and fix things they fall apart. And I break down. I'm not making that mistake again. I WILL be here for ME. I WILL find a way, and I will not cry. I will not break down again. No one likes a leech, always clinging to someone. So I'll stop, even if I can't swim yet I'm letting go and I'm gonna go and be someone ELSE'S rock for a change. See what it's like to be there for someone instead of having someone be there for me. You'll see the difference. You'll see it in my eyes, you'll hear it in my voice, and see it in the way I am. Maybe not at first, but you will.

And maybe when I want a boyfriend, when I'm ready to get hurt again, somebody will ask me, instead of me asking them. Just maybe I can find a way not to completely desacrate what I plan to build.

Just Maybe…

-Jessica lynn


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