Feeling Sleepy and Jealous…Weird Combo Huh?

May 20, 2006

And in need of more pain-killer, stupid headaches and fevers.

Well what's messing with me now? I'm jealous over something really stupid. Actually, I'm not even sure if I'm jealous, I can't think straight, all I know is that it bothers me. But *geez I feel really stupid right now…*  Supposedly *see, see, I don't even KNOW* Erica and Holly are over at Jordan's house. Why can't it be me?

Everybody BUT me goes places. Kenzie always has somewhere to go. Jordan goes ice-skating all the time. Sam has time for two lives. Even Nicole has things to do! *not that that's a surprise-she's just more like….well me* But ME. I'M DIFFERENT. Nobody ever invites me. Nobody ever thinks about me, or wonders if I might want to tag along. Not even as a last resort. And when I hint at it I get laughed at. People call me stupid and I just go along with it to protect my pride.

I think sometimes that's all I really have left-pride. I mean my friends ditch me enough for me to get a clear message of how much I matter, enough for me to wonder why I call them my friends. I mean they get MAD at me even for calling them sometimes. It's not like they're going to call me though.

My grades are getting better, but who cares? I know I'm CAPABLE of algebra, and GATE, and all that other crud, I just have to focus. Get Chase, and Jordan, and every other guy and problem out of my  mind and I'll be fine. Ha! Like THAT'S ever gonna happen again!

This is bothering me that I feel like a spoiled brat with some of the stuff I write…But I still write it, what can I say? I'm too predictable, I need something new in my life. But I'm trapped. Suffocating.

Something of Value-YellowCard

All that I needed to hear from you
something of value but something untrue
All that I wished that I'd find within you…

See how what she wanted and she needed
Tore it all down in the end
Some how like a sickness she infects me
She's simple but deadly my friend

All that I needed to hear from you
Something of value but something untrue
All that I wished that I'd find within you
Stings when I see all the ways that you…

Took me for granted and told me it's through
Picked from my pockets and smiled
Empty is nothing and nothing is you
I Think I'll just sit for a while, for awhile

See how what I wanted and I needed
It wasn't enough in the end
some how with the quickness
i forgot her i realized
she wasn't my friend

See how what I wanted and I needed
It wasn't enough in the end
some how with the quickness
i forgot her i realized
she wasn't my friend

All that I needed to hear from you
Something of value but something untrue
All that I wished that I'd find within you
Stings when I see all the ways that you…

Took me for granted and told me it's through
Picked from my pockets and smiled
Empty is nothing and nothing is you
I Think I'll just sit for a while

All that I wished that I'd find within you
Something of value but something untrue

That's pretty much how I feel. I'm looking for something, but it's a lie. But these days I want it so bad what I WANT to hear is that one lie. I don't care that it's a lie, I don't care if you don't really mean it…None of it matters anymore. None of it…

I'm lost, I'm alone, and I'm scared. Somebody, anybody, show me the way out. I'm scared I give up! So is it over yet? Can I go home now?

Only there is no end, there is no home. I'm lost, I'm scared, I'm alone, nobody ever cared, why should they now? Or, well I shouldn't say that. Some of you did try. Some of you tried really hard. But just when you had, just when you got going you gave up. Or you're giving up. Or maybe you forgot. I don't know, but I feel forgotten again.

On the other hand it's just as likly I just started to feel needy again and decided I want MORE. Give me MORE. I guess I can be a greedy bitch some days. Is that how everybody sees me? As a greedy bitch? An annoying, weird, self-centered, greedy bitch? Oh God please tell me it's not true, tell me I didn't do this to myself! Or at least if I did, tell me there's a way out…I NEED a way out, I just wanna fit in. I give up, I don't care about "being me" anymore, I just wanna fit. I wanna be like everybody else. I wanna be normal. I want a boyfriend…And I want I want I want…Here I go again. Damn.

I want to blame this on my fever. So I might go take my pain-killers now. But I…Never mind.

Maybe talking to Jordan would be good right now. No it would be awsome, perfect. But I can't, one because, well, people say things, but they don't always mean it, you know? I mean, for once, I'm thinking about someone else-would he really want me to call him? I'm not sure, the last time I assumed something I was dead wrong. Let's not screw up again. Another reason I shouldn't/can't call him is because Erica and Holly are *supposedly* over at his house. *leaving me all alone…but you know what, I was never really a fixed person in Jordan's life…I don't think. I may be hard to forget-but I'm also hard to accept*

I guess that's something about me I can like…That people will remember me.

Eight now, Night.

-Jessica lynn

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