Scarin’ Myself

June 1, 2006

Completely and totally. I've been taking pain killers lately. Today I took doses, now there's nothing wrong with that, but I feel…I don't know…Addicted to pain killers? Hooked? I'm not sure. But anyway, I caught myself thinking about just how easy it would be to overdose, to kill myself.  Just grab ahandfull and down it. I'm not sure which scared me more, that I was actually thinking about this, or how easy it could be. I'm not sure why I'd be thinking about this sort of thing these days. My life is good, REALLY good now. I mean I've got good friends. AWSOME friends. And lots of them now. Jordan, Samantha, Andrew, Nicole, Chase, Julia, Braden, Lauren, Crystal, and Mckenzie, that's all off the top of my head, and I bet, no I know that there's more. They care-to one degree or another- prbably more than I deserve, but I'll take what I can get, and I'll fight for it too. I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm so tough, or like I'll never lose it all, I mean, let's face it, we're all wimps at one time or another. But there's some things that you gotta fight for, no questions asked. Kind of an unspoken rule I guess, like not giving up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about 😉 .

I think I'm getting better. Before, I was always depressed and complaing about every little thing. Well now, I've got a life, I'm gonna try and keep it, I like it well enough, and what I don't have now I can pick up along the way. And for once, it's not one of those fragile temporary things, I'm not gonna let someone burst my bubble this time…I use to much figurative language sometimes. Which reminds me, I'm going through a mental "spring cleaning" getting rid of old stuff, putting in some new, that sort of thing. I suggest if you want anything to change you tell me now…ish. For instance, I'm going to try and be less annoying, and WAY more laid back, I get really uptight sometimes around, um certain*cough*special people. That's already going away. I'm also going to try and give shorter explainations for things…Like I said I'm WORKING on it! Hehe 😛

I guess I got more laid back now that I don't really know if anyone's reading this…I'm gonna keep it this way when I find out if people come back and read it too. I still want comments you know T_T lol. I'm more laid back about what I wear too, like I can wear shorts, or skirts and after people stopped saying negative things, well I stopped caring how I looked, 'cause my friends kept telling me I looked good, so I listened for once!

Chase was telling me that Ishould go out with Wyatt…WHERE did he get something like THAT???? Once I would've said yes, but NO. He was saying it would work 'cause he's pessimistic, I'm pessismistic…problem, I'm not ANYMORE!!!! *Evil Laughter* lol jk Chase also wants me to stop taking pain killer, when he was telling me I was really in pain, and NEEDED that crud, I got fed up with him not getting it, so I explained-in next to no real detatil why I needed pain killers, he got the message, was silenced for a bit, then  kept saying that it couldn't be "that bad" only it is, so I'm just gonna ignore him. But I am gonna cut back on my next to no pain killer anyway. Mostly because it's scraing me. Wonder what Jordan thinks of thios whole pain killer thing anyway. I snuck some into school today, just one dose. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Not doing it again, I didn't get in trouble, but I shouldn't have. I know that now. So I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna fix up my own life for once. Instead of asking someone else. Actual, I AM fixing it up. I like where it's going. Sure a boyfriend would be nice, but I don't NEED one! Yay! I said it! And you know what, for once I believe it.

-You know you wanna comment 

-Jessica lynn


2 Responses to “Scarin’ Myself”

  1. crazyguy1292 said

    chase has bad ideas

  2. Hey, not always. I mean really, going out with you was..well the best thing that’s ever happened to me…

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