Save Me

October 30, 2006

Save Me-Shinedown 

I got a candle
And I’ve got a spoon
I live in a hallway with no doors and no rooms

Under a windowsill
 
They all were found
A touch of concrete within the doorway
Without a sound

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From the blasphemy in my wasteland
How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn’t handle forgiveness
Now I’m far beyond gone
I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From the blasphemy in my wasteland

Jump in the water
Jump in with me
Jump on the alter
Lay down with me

The hardest question to answer
Is why

Why

Someone save me if you will
And take away all these pills
And please just save me if you can
From the blasphemy in my wasteland

Someone save me
Someone save me
Somebody save me
Somebody save me
Please don’t erase me

Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh fucking shit. So I’ve been talking to Wyatt-and I fell in love with the idea of being in love. But I’m NOT. I don’t wanna break his heart again! I already did it once…And he was still so nice to me. I should know better. Friendship can turn into love, but love can’t turn into friendship.

How am I gonna tell him? I totally led him on! WHEN am I gonna tell him??? Fuck. Ah well…Time is up and I’m helping David….

One more time for the record guys- FUCK-ok I’m done :P…..:(

-Jessica lynn

There is no sadder feeling

October 27, 2006

 than to be forgotten

 All I’m doing is listening to music, reading sad quotes, and feeling forgotten. But that’s ok…because the nice thing about this feeling is I know, for once, that things aren’t going to get any worse in this moment. That for now-what happens is up to me and it’s not that bad…

  So how am I feeling? Fine, it couldn’t hurt more. Maybe. Maybe I’ll tell you later. And maybe, I won’t be here later, maybe I’ll be gone. But you see those are just maybes, wishes. I’m still caged. Good luck getting me out. No I couldn’t free myself from this no matter how bad I want it. I think life’s still worth living…people don’t change, you just never really knew who they were…Do I know anyone? Everyone always seems to be changing…everyone but me…I guess I’m too predictable…I give myself away.

 http://www.freewebs.com/fatimahsquotes/sadquotesandlyrics.htm That’s where I’m pulling my quotes. And they are all so true. There’s no point in repeating the quotes. I’m too tired. ‘Night

-Jessica lynn 

Dirty Little Secret

October 26, 2006

Dirty Little Secret-All American Rejects

Let me know that I’ve done wrong
When I’ve known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you’ve thrown away
Find out games you don’t wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know
I’ll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don’t tell anyone, or you’ll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It’s the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you’ve thrown away
Find out games you don’t wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don’t tell anyone, or you’ll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can’t deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won’t lie (won’t lie)
And all I’ve tried to hide
It’s eating me apart
Trace this life out

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don’t tell anyone, or you’ll be just another regret
(Just another regret)

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don’t tell anyone, or you’ll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret

Who has to know?
who has to know?

(random fact this song was created for www.postsecret.com an awsome website/blog if I ever saw one) 

I’m listening to that and well… it fits. I feel kind of like I’m hiding a lot…And while people…ok some people, have a right to know, I still don’t really want to tell them. So this is my little escape 😀

*sigh* Well for one*since this is a little behind on the times-my fault I know* I WAS going out with Spence…but that’s ended. For several reasons. The top two-well for one I realised I was just using him as a rebound after Jordan turned me down. It was cruel, but I didn’t really know what I was doing…I guess that’s not really an excuse. Oh well. The other main reason was that he was getting on my nerves. Scaring me a little actually. He’d pop up whenever I was talking to someone, and he was getting a little too attatched to me…I guess I know why people hate leeches now…and why I need not to be one. But what totally pushed me over the edge was hearing him talk about how hot the guys from this movie-The Outsiders-we watched in B.E. were. That’s just not something you want hearing from your boyfriend.

And now I think I’m boarding on player because I like Wyatt…Well that’s not new news…but I’m worried I’m gonna do the same thing to him….again. I don’t wanna ask him out, or have him ask me out-say yes…and then have it all go to hell again. Not again, it’s too cruel. Even if he tells me it doesn’t matter if I hurt him-it would still be hurting him-and I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt him again…reguardless of whatever he may say. In my eyes-the world has enough pain, without my addition to it. And also-I know how that feels, I wouldn’t wish the feeling on my worst enemy-much less a friend.

Also-I’ve started talking to Jordan again…Yay, right. Well yes and no. I mean it’s great to talk to the guy and everything, and he makes me happy, he makes me laugh and smile…and it’s better that we’re just friends…oh I can be so convincing can’t I? So why oh why can’t I convince myself?

I don’t have a boyfriend and yet I feel like I’m cheating someone with the way I feel about Jordan…who am I cheating though? My friends? Wyatt? myself…? I don’t think I know. I’m not sure I even care.

*The following is NOT for the faint of heart or most guys*

Oh…and not that any of you really care-I’m bleeding like a stuck pig. That’s why I’m pain killer crazy-because it HURTS.  Cramps like fucking crazy. God I hate having my period…It makes me such a bitch because it hurts so bad. Sorry.

Well….I should do my homework and such…stop being a bitch to the world…get a life and lose the backbone…Be one of those plush helpless robots all the guys fall for…Too bad I couldn’t even if I tried….Even if I really wanted to. Even if they didn’t reject me…Because it breaks my own motto…’I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.’ Sometimes I wonder if it’s really worth it, and then I decide it doesn’t matter.

-Jessica lynn

I feel like such a fragile little butterfly. Like I’ve never been through this before. But at the same time, I guess I haven’t…not really. Because nothing is ever the same, nothing ever repeats. *sigh* And then again, I haven’t really, and I’ve never had this kind of response, and in a completely different way, it is TOTALLY new. Ah well.

I guess I need to sort out my real problems here.  For one, as you may be able to tall. I’m talking to myself again. Maybe. And for another, I’m a little  worried about what the hell Wyatt is gonna think about, if, when he reads this. I’m not going to edit it just to keep from hurting him. But I still don’t WANT to hurt him. Sometimes I just wanna put him in a little bubble and never let anything happen to him…But then nothing would EVER happen to him…I can’t be THAT mean! I’m just so protective with my friends…I’m worried if they get hurt they’ll go through the same pain I did. But if they always have a safety net they’ll never learn to fall…And they need to learn to fall, because even I can’t catch you every time. No matter how hard I try, or how much I want to.

Moving on to other problems now…Spencer, the gay guy I acidentally fell in love with*even though I’m not exactly sure I really AM in love…I’m just calling it that, because I hate the way crush sounds, it always implies you have to get hurt…*wants to sing a duet with me for the talent show…I, of course said yes…But there’s a few probelms, one I can’t sing, two it’s a LOVE SONG, that HE PICKED, but I DID tell him if he let me pick I’d pick a love song…but I can’t sing it!!! And it makes me feel like such and idiot!!!! It’s called At The Beginning, it’s from Anastasia, don’t ask how I know ok?

Right now, even my red and orange Disney pajama pants with little blue bunnies saying SQEEZE ME! aren’t making me feel any better.  T_T Not cool!

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna call Jordan and talk to him…But he’s kind of…um…I dunno, not on my list of top 10 right now. Wait…I don’t think I even have a top 5…but he’s more at the end of the list of people I’m talking to right now ok?

I’ve got somet things I should do…well would rather do than keep talking about this. So you’ll hear more from me later.

-Jessica lynn

I Won’t Say(I’m in Love)-From Hercules 

If there’s a prize for rotten judgement,
I guess I’ve already won that
No man is worth the agrivation
That’s ancient history,
Been there
Done that

Who’d ya think you’re kidding?
He’s the earth and heaven to ya
Try to keep it hidden, honey we can see right through ya
Girl ya can’t conceal it
We know how you’re feelin’, who you’re thinking of

No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no
You swoon, you sigh
Why deny it, uh oh
It’s too…cliché
I won’t say I’m in love
Oooooh ooooh oooh

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when ya start out
My head is screaming “get a grip, girl!”
“Unless you’re dying to cry your heart out!” Ooooh oooh

You keep on denying
Who you are and how you’re feelin’
Baby, we’re not lying, hone we saw ya Hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown up
When ya gonna own up that ya got, got, got it bad?

Woah
No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you’re in love!
You’re doing flips read our lips you’re in love

You’re way off base
I won’t say it
Get off my case
I won’t say I’m in love

No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you’re in love!
The scene won’t play
I won’t say I’m in love
You’er doing flips read our lips you’re in love

You’re way off base
I won’t say it
Girl, don’t be proud, it’s ok, you’re in love

No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you’re in love!
The scene won’t play
I won’t say I’m in love

Ooooooh
At least out loud
I won’t say I’m in….love

I feel like I dug my own grave. Geez. I KNOW…But like HELL if I’ll ever say out loud I feel in love with a gay guy! X_X

Maybe I throw love around to lightly? I’m not sure…I’ll be damned if I know for sure. But yeah…

WEll I’m sure I can find something to distract me from my problems for the time being…I’ll talk to y’all later. bye.

-Jessica lynn