Nobody’s Home

November 28, 2006

Nobody’s Home-Avril Lavigne 

I couldn’t tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn’t help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What’s wrong, whats wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don’t know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
That’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You’ve been rejected, and now you can’t find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don’t know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
That’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can’t find.
She’s losing her mind.
She’s fallen behind.
She can’t find her place.
She’s losing her faith.
She’s fallen from grace.
She’s all over the place.
Yeah,

She wants to go home, but nobody’s home.
That’s where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She’s lost inside, lost inside.oh oh
She’s lost inside, lost inside.oh oh
Ohhh…

Well here I am. Wanting to go back to a life I never really had. As much as I may have thought I did. I never really had a family I loved and trusted. I mean, I did love them…but I never really told them anything about my life. But now…how can you love a mother who’s worried you’re going to grow up and be a psyco? I mean sure, she picks her words better than that, but the meaning still seeps through. God, I hope my kids never feel this way abouot me…

You know what I think really gets me, Jordan, Sam, and Alex make more of a family for me than my Dad, mom, and sister…o_O not that cool really…

Aw hell….I don’t wanna talk about this right now really…plus I’ve got a truck-load of homework and I wanna see if I can get a hold of Jordan sometime before I just drop dead from lack of sleep here >_<-night

-Jessica lynn

and start living the life I need.

I spent about an hour on the phone with Jordan last night. We talked about soccer, and basketball, boxes, and what it’s like to be the younger or older sibling in a family…and just as I was telling him how sometimes I get kind of forgotten, guess who opens the door and says’ We need to talk.’-Mom. Joy. Get this, she was eavesdropping on me…she HEARD what I was saying…I guess talking on the phone’s not safe anymore.

Well…It WAS great to get to chat with Jordan for so long…but being lectured and questioned by my mom? Yikes! Not the best thing in the world.

I can stop daydreaming about Jordan ever being anything more than a friend I guess…I mean-that’s all it’s ever gonna be, a dream. So why dream? Why care?…well jeez I guess I might as well say why live…just because I can I guess. The odd thing is…I like having Jordan as just a friend…if we were ever more than friends I’m not sure I could still talk to him the way I do…because I’d be wondering what he’d think of me…and if he was telling me everything. These days, I already know it’s pretty hopeless, and I can stop worry about what Jordan thinks, and I also know that if there’s something he wants to tell me he will, and if he doesn’t want me to know, then I don’t need to know-it’s not really any of my business.

-Jessica lynn

If I’m just killing what little chance I ever might have had…I guess I should back up a bit for you huh?

Ok, well you should know that I like Jordan, and ALSO that I call him-a lot, like when I’m lonely, or down, or happy, or just plain bored. And when I talk with him I am COMPLETELY and TOTALLY myself-I feel like I can say anything, whether it’s something stupid, or something really serious. And I’m about as sure as I can get without actually asking Jordan, that he feels the same way…ok maybe that’s going a little far-but at least I know he could tell me anything he wanted to right?

ANYHOW-The thing is, the more of my secrets I tell him, the more I trust him, and the more little oddities he learns about my life, make it more and more obvious to me that we’ll never be anything BUT friends. And I mean yeah I LOVE having him as a friend-I might as well die if I didn’t have him in my life anymore…But the closer we are as friends…the more I know that’s all we can ever be…I mean how could he accept me as I am? Accept ALL of who I am?

I may trust him, and confide in him…but I feel somehow, that no matter how many times he tells me it’s ok, or that there’s nothing wrong with the way I am, somewhere in me I don’t believe it. I doubt…and it’s killing me. Maybe if I had parents, or friends that really believed in me I could believe that he really didn’t think on some level that I’m just a freak, and outcast…someone that can’t ever be worth any more than what people see in me at a glance.

‘The Best Part of Believe is the lie’

                                                           -Fallout boy

I feel like an idiot. I did this to myself just because I wanted to trust him, just because I wanted him to trust me. And now look what I’ve gone and gotten myself into…

On top of me dragging my own (non-existent)love-life downhill, I’ve been getting myself into trouble with my parents and on the bus.

The other night, I was yelling at my parents for no reason, and then I almost hit my mom, I missed because I was so mad…Afterwards I realised what had happened and I started to cry, because I didn’t know why. Why I wanted to hit my mom, why I actually tried to, why I was crying, why was I mad in the first place?? Life has no easy answers, hell, life hardly has any answers at all!

Also, today on the bus, Jason-a kid who my history with is nothing but a suffering of sexist insults, taunts, and laughter-was teasing me and I looked him in the eyes and asked him if he wanted me to kick him in the balls. He went right on teasing me, but in a different way. I’d had enough, so I sat up grabbed him by the neck and asked him if it hurt, he said no, I yanked my hand back and sank back down in my seat, he was bleeding, I knew it hurt-but I didn’t have any right to do that. Oops. I knew he wouldn’t tell though, I’m a girl, no guy wants to go up to an adult and say hey that girl did this to me! lol. Lucky me I guess…but I need to watch my temper. I could actually hurt someone if I’m not careful. And then who knows what might happen to me.

Oh…somethin’ random, I got another piercing. In my cartilage. It’s awsome. I can’t wait ’til I’m 18 and can get a tattoo.

I got a letter from Asella. I’m still waiting for mail from anyone else. She sent me a picture of us-it almost made me cry.

Well my grandparents are here…It’s a little past 7. I have soccer tomorrow. And I’m sleepy…Night.

-Jessica lynn

Night Workout

November 8, 2006

I just got back back from my night-times work-out. It was great…but I’m sad to say that’s it’s too hot even at 6 at night to jog home 😦 not cool! lol.

I feel more and more like when I was alittle kid every day. I feel more livily, more fun, more care-free, and more confident. And we all know*coughtjordancough*that confidence is a key part in everything-especially life…and sports 😛

Well I’ve stopped barfing-and right now both my headache and fever are gone! Yippee!! I feel good…and in a while I get to start my homework…joy. But meantime I’m listening to music and typing 😀 yay!

I think, even if I only go to the gym once or twice a week, I can get my old, nice, fit, semi-tan body back-COOL! I can tell the difference already and I have even been going back to the gym for long…Well it might be ’cause I was never really out of shape…I was just shy of being in uber-good shape…hehe. Always an over-achiever…well-in everything that matters…..to me.

Hmmm….I smell smoke-something is burning-I’m gonna go find it…Later y’all.

-Jessica lynn

How Will He Find Me?

November 7, 2006

How Will He Find Me?-Deb Talan

If I don’t stand out like a star among the moons
if I am always late and he always backs away too soon
I walk the world with a skin so thin
I can wear no adequate protection
everything comes crashing in.
If I’m too wide open for this place
but not enough for him to recognize my face

How will he find me
with no one’s arms to gather me together?
How will he find me?
Only held by gravity, faded with uncertainty
no longer young and not that pretty
how will he ever find me?

It never seems to matter, the tears I cry.
There’s a well inside of me that never runs dry
from being born I guess, and born in life until we die.
The music and the hope for love keep me alive
still I wonder, how will he find me?

And what shall I do with a drunken heart
with goggle eyes and the troubling hunger
reaching forward to trick mirror men
leaning out and in again.
If love is a game how can it be creation?
And if I’m wasting my time
how will he find me?

(The rest of the lyrics for that CD are here  http://www.theweepies.com/lyrics_bird.html )

That’s kind of how I feel. Like if I don’t stand out I’ll be missed, or simply ignored by the only people/person that matter(s).

Yeah….Anyhow-this is gonna be short because I’m sick(sick enough to have barfed) and becuase I’ve already written(typed) this 4 times and it wouldn’t post T_T

I called Jordan last night, he said he hoped I felt better…He doesn’t know it but that in itself made me feel better. Pathetic I know. Tell me about it.

Anyhow, I should do my homework while I can still see strait and my fever’s down…I should also call Jordan 😛 lol

G’night people.

-Jessica lynn

Middle of Nowhere-Hot Hot Heat

Don’t get mad
If I’m laughing
Blame the caffeine
For all the 5am phone calls
I haven’t slept a single night in over a month
Not even once did you start to make sense to me
Well maybe I’m a little bit slow
I’m just consistently inconsistent
She said unpredictability’s my responsibility baby

But you’re waiting at the door
Where everybody’s hanging out just like they hung out before
You didn’t have to do it but you did it to say
That you didn’t have to do it but you would anyway

To give you something to go on
When I go off
Back to the middle of no where (x2)

They chewed me up
And then they spit me out
And I’m not supposed to let it bother me

But maybe I’m a little bit weak
I let my frailty take the wheel
She said maybe there’s a bit of me
Waiting for a bit of you baby

But you’re waiting at the door
Where everybody’s hanging out just like they hung out before
You didn’t have to do it but you did it to say
That you didn’t have to do it but you would anyway

To give you something to go on
When I go off
Back to the middle of no where (x2)

(((Guitar Break)))

But you’re waiting at the door
Where everybody’s hanging out just like they hung out before
You didn’t have to do it but you did it to say
That you didn’t have to do it but you would anyway

To give you something to go on
When I go off
Back to the middle of no where (x2)

To give you something to go on
To go on
Back to the middle of no where

Secretly, I feel like I’ve always been nowhere. Well I guess it’s not very secret anymore. But I mean, I feel pretty alone-people in my life really come and go…nothing gold can stay.

Still need to takl to Wyatt…My overly huggy nature is digging my own grave >_< *sigh* but I was hugging everyone…Aaron, Garret, Alex…EVERYONE!

Well…I have a girl scout meeting, and I wanna frost my b-day cake that I made…and bought. For my b-day, which was on the 21st of October…which was almost two weeks ago.

Sigh….again.

Well…I have homework, and a non-existant life…and no sleep to get to….*my parents fight so much I don’t get a whole hellva lot of sleep…hehe*not cool…but I’ve gotta go…

-Jessica lynn

Unwanted

November 2, 2006

Unwanted-Avril Lavigne 

All that I did was walk over
Start off by shaking your hands
That’s how it went
I had a smile on my face
and I sat up straight

Oh yeah yeah
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

You don’t know me
Don’t ignore me
You don’t want me there
You just shut me out
You don’t know me
Don’t ignore me
If you had your way
You’d just shut me up
Make me go away

No i just don’t understand why you
Wont talk to me it hurts that i’m
So unwanted for nothing don’t
Talk words against me

I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

You don’t know me
Don’t ignore me
You don’t want me there
You just shut me out
You don’t know me
Don’t ignore me
If you had your way
You’d just shut me up
Make me go away

I tried to belong it didn’t seem wrong
My head aches
It’s been so long
I write this song, that’s what it takes

You don’t know me
Don’t ignore me
You don’t want me there
You just shut me out
You don’t know me
Don’t ignore me
If you had your way
You’d just shut me up
Make me go away

You don’t know me
Don’t ignore me
You don’t want me there
You just shut me out
You don’t know me
Don’t ignore me
If you had your way
You’d just shut me up
Make me go away

I’ve been feeling a little rejected…My parents still hate me. But they’re stopping me from sleeping now-that sucks. They fight SO MUCH. With me, with my sister, with each other…God. It’s like they never stop. It’s so hard to live like this…People who don’t live like this can’t possibly know…In no way can words really describe the pain, the rejection, the fear. And, well… everything else that goes along with this mess.

Music helps. But It’s not stopping me from being a bitch. I’m just being mean to get rid of the pain. The longer I’m mad, the longer I feel ok. But a kid can only be mad at the world for so long without any real reason. *sigh*

I just wish my parents would quit fighting and we could just play nice…I wish I had a mom like Lauren’s mom-Juliette…*can’t spell it though…hehe* she’s awsome.

But it’s time I stopped wishing for the life I want, and started living the life I need…What’s that again? I’m not sure I know. I’m not sure I ever knew to begin with!

Geez I have so much homework. Whenever I have spare time and I’m on the pc*or in this case the lappy(laptop)* I’ll take time just to say I’m alive. Even if I’m not doing to well. Or even if I AM doing well.

However time does not permit me to say much. Good night and good luck to all of you who bother to remember that I exist. And may those of you who understand my perdicament have better lives than what I’m living now. And those who I know and love-you have my love, and anything and everything that I can give you-no matter what the cost is to myself.

-Jessica lynn