I wonder if I’m just screwing it all up…

November 18, 2006

If I’m just killing what little chance I ever might have had…I guess I should back up a bit for you huh?

Ok, well you should know that I like Jordan, and ALSO that I call him-a lot, like when I’m lonely, or down, or happy, or just plain bored. And when I talk with him I am COMPLETELY and TOTALLY myself-I feel like I can say anything, whether it’s something stupid, or something really serious. And I’m about as sure as I can get without actually asking Jordan, that he feels the same way…ok maybe that’s going a little far-but at least I know he could tell me anything he wanted to right?

ANYHOW-The thing is, the more of my secrets I tell him, the more I trust him, and the more little oddities he learns about my life, make it more and more obvious to me that we’ll never be anything BUT friends. And I mean yeah I LOVE having him as a friend-I might as well die if I didn’t have him in my life anymore…But the closer we are as friends…the more I know that’s all we can ever be…I mean how could he accept me as I am? Accept ALL of who I am?

I may trust him, and confide in him…but I feel somehow, that no matter how many times he tells me it’s ok, or that there’s nothing wrong with the way I am, somewhere in me I don’t believe it. I doubt…and it’s killing me. Maybe if I had parents, or friends that really believed in me I could believe that he really didn’t think on some level that I’m just a freak, and outcast…someone that can’t ever be worth any more than what people see in me at a glance.

‘The Best Part of Believe is the lie’

                                                           -Fallout boy

I feel like an idiot. I did this to myself just because I wanted to trust him, just because I wanted him to trust me. And now look what I’ve gone and gotten myself into…

On top of me dragging my own (non-existent)love-life downhill, I’ve been getting myself into trouble with my parents and on the bus.

The other night, I was yelling at my parents for no reason, and then I almost hit my mom, I missed because I was so mad…Afterwards I realised what had happened and I started to cry, because I didn’t know why. Why I wanted to hit my mom, why I actually tried to, why I was crying, why was I mad in the first place?? Life has no easy answers, hell, life hardly has any answers at all!

Also, today on the bus, Jason-a kid who my history with is nothing but a suffering of sexist insults, taunts, and laughter-was teasing me and I looked him in the eyes and asked him if he wanted me to kick him in the balls. He went right on teasing me, but in a different way. I’d had enough, so I sat up grabbed him by the neck and asked him if it hurt, he said no, I yanked my hand back and sank back down in my seat, he was bleeding, I knew it hurt-but I didn’t have any right to do that. Oops. I knew he wouldn’t tell though, I’m a girl, no guy wants to go up to an adult and say hey that girl did this to me! lol. Lucky me I guess…but I need to watch my temper. I could actually hurt someone if I’m not careful. And then who knows what might happen to me.

Oh…somethin’ random, I got another piercing. In my cartilage. It’s awsome. I can’t wait ’til I’m 18 and can get a tattoo.

I got a letter from Asella. I’m still waiting for mail from anyone else. She sent me a picture of us-it almost made me cry.

Well my grandparents are here…It’s a little past 7. I have soccer tomorrow. And I’m sleepy…Night.

-Jessica lynn

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