Maybe if I just pretend…

December 4, 2006

Maybe It’ll all just go away.

Then again maybe it won’t. That’s the scary idea I guess.  I’ve been kind of meandering around in my fantasy-land. Prentending in my spare time that everyting is ok(it isn’t), that I have a boyfriend(I don’t), that my friends all like me and would be there for me if I really need it(I do and they’re not, other people are), and that oh say Jordan likes me(he doesn’t).

Well this little world came crashing down today when I noticed, not for the first time, but really noticed for the first time that there is no hope for Jordan to like me…I think he likes Andrea to be honest.  But that’s just from my point of view. I’ve been wrong before…but no, that’s not really what hit home today. What hit home was that he doesn’t like me that way and he never will. End of story.

Well not really…but you get the point.

I feel pretty alone…which is kind of self-centered of myself, because I’m alomst always surrounded by people. Some of whom would go out with me if only I would ask…heck some have even ASKED…I could make someone so happy if only I’d say yes…but this is one matter that I want myself to be happy, and really it makes me feel like a bitch. I want to be that selfless person, the one that everyone loves and everything turns out ok for… I’m sure you know someone like that. But I always end up wanting something, or someone, and scrwing it all up. I’ve always got nothing, never everything….not even a little something it feels like.

On another note, we’ve been playing soccer in P.E., it rocks, I kick ass, even when we lose. I get to go head-to-head with jerks and psych them out, and trip them and all that good stuff. Love it.

…I wonder if Jordan plays good soccer….David’s on my team, he plays good. He’s a bit of a showoff, but at least he CAN showoff…lol.

Well….make-believe of a better life is over for the time being…well life is over for a bit. But I’m too lazy to end it. Maybe I’ll get lucky and it’ll start up again for me…I don’t think I’ll call Jordan for a while. He might wonder why. Or he might read this…

-Jessica lynn

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