Poetry Re-runs

September 30, 2007

Not that anybody’s ever read these poems…

Without You

You’re all I’ve ever wanted,

You’re all I’ve ever needed,

You’re all I can’t stand to have right now,

You’re all I can’t stand to live without.

Gotta move on without you,

Gotta find myself somebody new,

But oh baby without you,

What am I gonna do?

Your Picture

I used to look at your picture at night,

Back when everything was alright,

But now I don’t even try,

Because of you,

And everything you never knew,

All it does is make me cry.

 

Don’t Think

 

I think about you every night and day,

But I’m still trying to push you away.

Don’t think I don’t love you anymore,

It’s just baby my heart’s too sore,

I can’t take you and me anymore.

 

So, I saw somebodydid a search for poetry on my site the other, and well, I decided to type up some new ones. And why not? It’s about time I think. But I doubt whoever it was is gonna come back…those sorts of things don’t happen too often.

 

Like last night for instance..you know what. Nevermind. Fuck this. I’ll type it when I feel like it ok? Right now, I feel kinda like I did then. So…come back and read later if you wanna know. Cuz I sure as hell aint tellin ya now.

 

-Jessica lynn

Maybe I understands now…

September 27, 2007

Just a little bit.

Ok, so here’s what I think  dun hold me to it, I can change my mind…

So I’m in love with Wyatt-but he’s not around. Not anybody’s fault, but still true. Me, I’m a contact person, if I can’t see him, feel him, touch him, then all I’m doing is torturing myself. Tyler, I like yes, but I dun know him quite well enough to love him. But he’s here. I see him, I can talk to him, I can touch him (not in a disturbing way, but like hug him kiss him you know) So…do I pick long distance love, or like that could be more, could be less, but is physically possible now.

The answer is, I go for what I can get. Long distance…I’d like to try maybe…but not now, I did try, it drove me insane. Later in life maybe I’ll have more self-restraint or something, maybe it’ll work then. But not now.

So….the problem is, every time I talk to Wyatt I fall in love with him all over again. I don’t wanna with anyone but him. And at the same time, when I’m with Tyler all I wanna do is hug him and kiss him. The deciding factor-aka how I feel when neither of them is around, is failing at deciding anything. I think about both of them! But…logically, I should go with Tyler, right? I mean isn’t that what the whole point of this is? Justifying my choice to myself, and anyone else who reads this?

Wel..no. Not so easy. I’m still to damn scared of rejection. Even though everything I can think of points towards the idea the Tyler would say yes if I asked him out or something…Rejection, I’m so fucking scared. It hurts so bad. But…if I never ask I’ll never know!! Why is the world so cruel? Why can’t he ask me? Why couldn’t I just be able to GO to HomeComing and see what happened? What if he asks another girl? Even worse, what if she says yes?

What do I do? I can’t ask him out…I did that before, and I got turned down. If I get turned down again I dunno how I’ll get over it…I hate rejection so bad. If I keep getting rejected(I do realize that Wyatt did not reject me) someday I won’t be able to ask anymore.

So here’s what I think needs to happen-if my plan is flawed please help.

I need to drop the guilt I’ve still got about being with anybody that’s not Wyatt. I need to face the fact that I love him, but that nothing is gonna go anywhere with that this year. I need to ask Tyler out, not boyfriend girlfriend out, but like, to the movies or something. Something simple, no real pressure. Maybe with other people, maybe not. I’m not sure on that yet.

I need to get a grip on these god damned emotions of mine. And get a life.

Well, I’m in major need of a shower, and some time to think, stretch, and sleep. You’ll be hearing from me tomorrow, after band.

-Jessica lynn

And my problem is…

September 25, 2007

what?

I don’t know. Something, everything, nothing, myself. Obviously, all of the the above. What, the hell, is going on around here?! At first I wasn’t to sure about how I was gonna get along with Wyatt, and then as I had to, it started working out for me, and then I called him. I dunno what it was, but something about talking to him the other night screwed up my plans for getting over him quick and clean. Big time.

I mean, like, Wyatt’s in my head more than he has been in a long time. And also…before, I was pretty sure I could just turn right around and go for Tyler, and I mean, why not? But now, Tyler even told me he wouldn’t care(well wouldn’t mind…wouldn’t care sounds kinda cold) if I kissed him, like for reals, not on the cheek. But, all me knowing that did was make me nervous, I was practically avoiding him today! What, the hell? Why do I feel like it would be so wrong to kiss him? Why does my stomache hurt at the thought? Well, ok, not every time I think about it, but about half. The other half of the time I get those damn annoying butterflies in my tummy. And every time I think of Wyatt, whether just about him, or kissing him, or anything, I get both. I feel sick because he’s not mine anymore, I shouldn’t  love him anymore, I shouldn’t be jealous of who he may or may not like, or think is hott, I shouldn’t have him on my mind all the goddamn time!! But I do. So, what do I do about it? What can I do about it?

I mean, it’s not like I don’t like Tyler anymore, but I guess, the problem is I never stopped loving Wyatt. And, last I checked, love beat out like every time. Damn damn damn damn damn. NO. This is NOT how I should be thinking!!! Why does this bother me so much? Why am I so damn amotional? And why in the hell can’t I make up my mind about what I need to do?

15 to 9, I need to call somebody and work this out, chances are, I’ma go call the worst person I can for this particular thing. Wish me luck. That is, assuming I actually pick up the phone and call someone.

Jessica lynn

So Confused

September 24, 2007

So yeah…..Last night I spent almost three hours on the phone…with Wyatt. Shocked much? But you know somethin’, it was great. I haven’t felt so good since talking to him before school got out.

I’m so confused. I’d give almost anything to be with Wyatt, he’s so perfect for me…but I can’t go out with him. I don’t see enough of him. Even if I managed to get him to take me back, I still wouldn’t see him anymore than I have been. Nothing would be different, other than the fact I wouldn’t be able to move on, I’d be stuck right back at square one.  With a boyfriend I never see, and cute guys I could be going out with that I see every day. And I’d never find out if I was kidding myself, if maybe, Wyatt isn’t perfect. I mean, if I only ever give one guy a chance, I’ll never know whether or not he really is perfect.

Ah damn, I’m overthinking this again. What I really need is a cuddle buddy. Where’s that stuffed dog?

Jessica lynn

Everything is Gonna be Alright

September 21, 2007

Believe-YellowCard

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out
Never knowing you weren’t going to be coming down alive
But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing, only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go, the life that you know, just to bring it down alive
And you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

(Again today, we take into our hearts and minds those who perished on this site one year ago, and also those who came to toil in the rubble to bring order out of chaos, to help us make sense of our despair)

Wanna hold my wife when I get home
Wanna tell the kids they’ll never know how much I love to see them smile
Wanna make a change or two right now
Wanna live a life like you somehow
Wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day

(The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here)

So, here I am again. Back to life. But you know what. This song made me realize something today. Again.  It doesn’t really matter what happens, with Wyatt, with Tyler, with anyone. I mean come on, you only live once, what’s the point in moping over what you can’t have?

Anyways, Tyler has no objection to me kissing him, or at least that what he tells me, so it’ll go on until I quit liking him, or like someone better. At least that’s what I figure. YAY! A source of happieness, lolz. It’s just what I need right now, for reals.

But yeah, so I called Ty, again, ‘cuz I mean really, what the hell am I gonna do with my spare time? I took a shower, I’d read ’til I was dizzy, my dad had my pc, my mom had the TV. What was left? Well, that and I wanted to talk to him, duh. Lol. Too bad he can never talk very long. Not his fault, I just call kinda late ya know? Usually I get about a half hour or so before he’s gotta go. I’m not gonna complain, it prevents chunks of awkward silence. Something I’ve got way to much experience with.

I finially passed off my music and marching for this week. But when we did run-throughs I slaughtered my drill. It sucked big time. I felt like such an idiot! At least I didn’t fall though…that woulda really sucked.

Anyways…bedtime for Jessie-girl. She’s got 2 soccer games tomorrow and needs all the sleep she can get. later peeps.

-Jessica lynn

So here we are again

September 20, 2007

On some levels, maybe lots; I’m right back where I started.  Single, a little lonely, and looking for the right guy to make me happy.

On probably more levels though, I’m not. I found the perfect guy, and well, big fucking surprise, he’s not perfect. Now I knew that before I even asked him out, nobody’s perfect. But one of his flaws, which wasn’t/isn’t really his fault I cant overlook along with the rest-I just never really saw enough of him. And you know, once I didn’t have school with him, it just wasn’t enough. I felt trapped inside our relationship. So now I’m out.

Not to mention, as soon as it was over-I went back to myself, well, not myself. But what I did came naturally. The flirting, the talking, which guy is better, which guy do I really make an effort to get him to notice me? Well, that wasn’t really a very tough choice. I picked a guy who already realized I existed. Tyler. Big surprise.

Well, it was. Err…not at first. But now it is. Ish, maybe sorta. Yeah. I mean at first I just kinda hung around him, wondering if I was really gonna get anywhere with him. Then I got to hugging him. And talking to. So I was somewhere you know? And then I wanted to know how to get him to realise I like him…I’m not ready to say I love him, that takes time, helluva lot more than I’ve spent with Tyler. But it’s also more than just a little ‘like’ you know.

So anyways, I talked to Sammi and Alex about the ways I thought I could go about this. I could flat out ask him out, on the phone or in person. Whichever. But then being friends would be so damn akward! So, no we all agreed that wouldn’t do. Cuz I mean come on, I’m still gonna wanna talk to the guy even if he doesn’t wanna go out with me. So what we agree on? Well, sometime when I’m hugging him I should just go ahead and kiss him. Not on the lips, that would just be stupid. But you know, on the cheek. So if he doesn’t like me, or me kissing him, whichever, when I do it again, he could just ask/tell me to stop. Or, if he did like me, he could just let me keep kissing him until he got the guts to ask me out, or he could ask me out then, or he could kiss me back. You, know, basically whatever. So many more options.

The only problem was it made me feel kinda guilty planning to kiss him, and potentially go out with him. But you know something. Wyatt’s not my boyfriend anymore, even if I don’t want to hurt him, even if I wanna make him happy, that doesn’t mean that I’ve got to make myself not happy. And besides, now, I’m number one on my list of people to make happy. Well in theory anyways. But what I mean is, it’s not Wyatt that I need to keep happy anymore. It’s myself. So, I decided the hell with it. So, yesterday, I went ahead and kissed him(Tyler) on the cheek(well the neck, I’m to short too reach his cheek-whatever) and well…he didn’t have anything to say. So far so good. Sure as hell made me happy. He’s the only guy I’ve had any physical contact with other than Wyatt since….well since I started going with Wyatt practically.

So, obviously, if he wasn’t gonna object, I’m just gonna keep kissin’ him every time I hug him you know. Well anyways, today, right as the bell rung at lunch, Ty wanted to know if I was going to homecoming. I’m not, there’s a band tournament. And that’s what I told him. But the second I turned around I wondered why he’d ask that. So, when I called him tonight(first time I called him since mid-summer ish I think) I asked him. Well, if I was gonna go, he was gonna ask me to go with him. He said he had a friend who thought he should ask me and that why he was asking me. Personally, I could care less what he said he reason was, he asked me to homecoming-and I can’t go with him because of band. How fucked up is that?

But anyways, him asking me about homecoming is a good thing. And I’ll see where it takes me. At the same time, as happy as this makes me. Thinking about Wyatt…just, ouch. I mean, I know I’ve taught myself to do just this, bounce right back after I break up with someone…it still feels like betrayal. Eh, maybe it’s better not to think to much about it. I’ve still got homework, and I need sleep.

Night

-Jessica lynn

Everything

September 15, 2007

-by Lifehouse

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, You’re all I need
You’re everything,everything
You’re all I want your all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need, you’re everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Ok. It’s been a while since I’ve typed. And one helluva lot has change since I last typed. I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. And yeah, it’s my own damn fault. Now I’m not the sort of person that’ll wake up in the morning and regret what I’ve done so much that I’ll beg for forgiveness and ask him to take me back. That’s just fucking cruel. But that doesn’t mean I don’t regret it. But at the same time, that doesn’t mean I can’t accept what I’ve done and move on. Err…for the most part anyways.

It’s not like it was easy, or like I didn’t even think about. I thought about it for days. Or day, or I dunno how long! But, I wasn’t seeing enough of him, there were too many guys that were just right there. I was feeling to damn guilty, looking at them, talking to them, thinking about them. Especially hugging them. So now…I’m free to do as I wish with any guy…and I’m not. Unless you count hugging the same guys I’ve always hugged. And not even daily. Not cool.

But you see, what really gets me is I have no fucking clue how Wyatt’s dealing with this. For all I know he could care less. Or, he could hate me and never ever wanna hear from me again. My point is I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing… 😦

On the other hand-today. I had band. It was like 6 hours or something. I only had to stay for 5 because I had a soccer game to go to. I got a ball imprint on my arm, got kicked so hard I got bruised under the damn shin-guard, and actually lost some skin. Ouch much. Hurts like hell. Then, agter I told the coach I couldn’t run anymore and he asked me to anyways, my calf muscles seized up on my me, I fell, and couldn’t get up. It hurt so fucking bad. I was screaming, and crying. And it was not cool. But I knew what was goin on. We got me off the field eventually, and I was ok. Then I came home n soaked my legs for like 3 hours.

So, now. Life is lonely, again.

-Jessica lynn

I gets a kitty cat!!!

September 9, 2007

Well..not like soon or anything…but at least by next summer. Ya, long time, but maybe even as soon as Thanksgiving break! But more likely as an Xmas gift. *huggles self* KITTY!!!!! Yays. My mommy says it’s gotta be a girl…no male kitty-cats in da house. N it’s gots ta be fixed…poor kitty.

So uh…yeah. Yesterday I gots ta play not one but TWO soccer games. Both the GU16 and GU19 games!! But I hurts from it. Well…mostly just da second game. The peoples are so much bigger…and meaner…and they no care bout the other people…like me. Ouch. >_< I hurt so bad I took some ibuprophen and it didn’t help at all…*sigh* sucks. But we won both games. First one was 4-0 woot. Second was 4-2. Was hard. Spent lotsa time on fround under peeps. And rolling…X-x

Well, I need go forage for food. Later

-Jessica lynn

I didn’t make the cut.

September 7, 2007

Well…sorta. There was no ‘cut’ persay. Unless you count the cut-off for an A on pass offs. That was today. Guess what, I didn’t make it.

Yeah, band. It’s kinda cruel. But I guess it’s alos kinda sorta really my own fault. But it’s not like I didn’t try! Jeez.

Also-classe liked da fish. ^.^ Yay.

I didn’t get any hugs from anybody today T_T Lately I’ve been stealin’ a few hugs a day, some from Jason, Tyler, and Chase. Well, not really Chase. He hates it when I hug him. So I dropped that pretty quick. But Ty n Jason dun mind it much. Or at all…not sure. Maybe I’ll pick up hugging Matt insteada Chase? Eh, we’ll see. Boy hugging is one of the best ways to keep happy..as long as they let you hug them that is. Of course, a better way to stay happy is seeiong your boyfriend(if you’ve got one, if not then hugging guy is prolly the best you can do…less you a playa n wanna kiss ’em >_<)

Anywho, speaking of boyfriends. I daresay it’s about time I saw Wyatt again. Or, at least I think it is. Gotta find out. Maybe we can play around my soccer game and see each other. Spend some time at his house, or my house, you know? Just spend some time together.

Well…while I wait for letters from councilors, I’ma 1-write some more 2-look for food 3-work on my music

Tschau-(ciao in German)

-Jessica lynn                                                                         -I think I’ma call the fish Felix

Fishy fishy!!!

September 6, 2007

I gots a beta fish(male) for German. Go, me. He’s blue n red, we gonna name ‘im tomorrow. I’ll tell you what he’s called after I know.

Me = killer fucking headache + sunburn – my boyfriend + random guys I’ve been hugging at school = a pretty apathectic mood

I’ve got a lab I gotta do, and maybe tomorrow’s homework. Wyatt quit answering my IM’s…so I guess I’ll go finish up.

-Jessics lynn