So here we are again

September 20, 2007

On some levels, maybe lots; I’m right back where I started.  Single, a little lonely, and looking for the right guy to make me happy.

On probably more levels though, I’m not. I found the perfect guy, and well, big fucking surprise, he’s not perfect. Now I knew that before I even asked him out, nobody’s perfect. But one of his flaws, which wasn’t/isn’t really his fault I cant overlook along with the rest-I just never really saw enough of him. And you know, once I didn’t have school with him, it just wasn’t enough. I felt trapped inside our relationship. So now I’m out.

Not to mention, as soon as it was over-I went back to myself, well, not myself. But what I did came naturally. The flirting, the talking, which guy is better, which guy do I really make an effort to get him to notice me? Well, that wasn’t really a very tough choice. I picked a guy who already realized I existed. Tyler. Big surprise.

Well, it was. Err…not at first. But now it is. Ish, maybe sorta. Yeah. I mean at first I just kinda hung around him, wondering if I was really gonna get anywhere with him. Then I got to hugging him. And talking to. So I was somewhere you know? And then I wanted to know how to get him to realise I like him…I’m not ready to say I love him, that takes time, helluva lot more than I’ve spent with Tyler. But it’s also more than just a little ‘like’ you know.

So anyways, I talked to Sammi and Alex about the ways I thought I could go about this. I could flat out ask him out, on the phone or in person. Whichever. But then being friends would be so damn akward! So, no we all agreed that wouldn’t do. Cuz I mean come on, I’m still gonna wanna talk to the guy even if he doesn’t wanna go out with me. So what we agree on? Well, sometime when I’m hugging him I should just go ahead and kiss him. Not on the lips, that would just be stupid. But you know, on the cheek. So if he doesn’t like me, or me kissing him, whichever, when I do it again, he could just ask/tell me to stop. Or, if he did like me, he could just let me keep kissing him until he got the guts to ask me out, or he could ask me out then, or he could kiss me back. You, know, basically whatever. So many more options.

The only problem was it made me feel kinda guilty planning to kiss him, and potentially go out with him. But you know something. Wyatt’s not my boyfriend anymore, even if I don’t want to hurt him, even if I wanna make him happy, that doesn’t mean that I’ve got to make myself not happy. And besides, now, I’m number one on my list of people to make happy. Well in theory anyways. But what I mean is, it’s not Wyatt that I need to keep happy anymore. It’s myself. So, I decided the hell with it. So, yesterday, I went ahead and kissed him(Tyler) on the cheek(well the neck, I’m to short too reach his cheek-whatever) and well…he didn’t have anything to say. So far so good. Sure as hell made me happy. He’s the only guy I’ve had any physical contact with other than Wyatt since….well since I started going with Wyatt practically.

So, obviously, if he wasn’t gonna object, I’m just gonna keep kissin’ him every time I hug him you know. Well anyways, today, right as the bell rung at lunch, Ty wanted to know if I was going to homecoming. I’m not, there’s a band tournament. And that’s what I told him. But the second I turned around I wondered why he’d ask that. So, when I called him tonight(first time I called him since mid-summer ish I think) I asked him. Well, if I was gonna go, he was gonna ask me to go with him. He said he had a friend who thought he should ask me and that why he was asking me. Personally, I could care less what he said he reason was, he asked me to homecoming-and I can’t go with him because of band. How fucked up is that?

But anyways, him asking me about homecoming is a good thing. And I’ll see where it takes me. At the same time, as happy as this makes me. Thinking about Wyatt…just, ouch. I mean, I know I’ve taught myself to do just this, bounce right back after I break up with someone…it still feels like betrayal. Eh, maybe it’s better not to think to much about it. I’ve still got homework, and I need sleep.

Night

-Jessica lynn

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3 Responses to “So here we are again”

  1. riiiiight said

    If band is really causing so many problems in your life, you should just get it out of your life

  2. Would if I could but I can’t. Besides, band isn’t the only problem I’ve got.

  3. crazyguy1292 said

    He’s the only guy I’ve had any physical contact with other than Wyatt since….well since I started going with Wyatt practically.

    i still dont really get why you needed physical contact w/ him when we were going out..

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