Maybe I understands now…

September 27, 2007

Just a little bit.

Ok, so here’s what I think  dun hold me to it, I can change my mind…

So I’m in love with Wyatt-but he’s not around. Not anybody’s fault, but still true. Me, I’m a contact person, if I can’t see him, feel him, touch him, then all I’m doing is torturing myself. Tyler, I like yes, but I dun know him quite well enough to love him. But he’s here. I see him, I can talk to him, I can touch him (not in a disturbing way, but like hug him kiss him you know) So…do I pick long distance love, or like that could be more, could be less, but is physically possible now.

The answer is, I go for what I can get. Long distance…I’d like to try maybe…but not now, I did try, it drove me insane. Later in life maybe I’ll have more self-restraint or something, maybe it’ll work then. But not now.

So….the problem is, every time I talk to Wyatt I fall in love with him all over again. I don’t wanna with anyone but him. And at the same time, when I’m with Tyler all I wanna do is hug him and kiss him. The deciding factor-aka how I feel when neither of them is around, is failing at deciding anything. I think about both of them! But…logically, I should go with Tyler, right? I mean isn’t that what the whole point of this is? Justifying my choice to myself, and anyone else who reads this?

Wel..no. Not so easy. I’m still to damn scared of rejection. Even though everything I can think of points towards the idea the Tyler would say yes if I asked him out or something…Rejection, I’m so fucking scared. It hurts so bad. But…if I never ask I’ll never know!! Why is the world so cruel? Why can’t he ask me? Why couldn’t I just be able to GO to HomeComing and see what happened? What if he asks another girl? Even worse, what if she says yes?

What do I do? I can’t ask him out…I did that before, and I got turned down. If I get turned down again I dunno how I’ll get over it…I hate rejection so bad. If I keep getting rejected(I do realize that Wyatt did not reject me) someday I won’t be able to ask anymore.

So here’s what I think needs to happen-if my plan is flawed please help.

I need to drop the guilt I’ve still got about being with anybody that’s not Wyatt. I need to face the fact that I love him, but that nothing is gonna go anywhere with that this year. I need to ask Tyler out, not boyfriend girlfriend out, but like, to the movies or something. Something simple, no real pressure. Maybe with other people, maybe not. I’m not sure on that yet.

I need to get a grip on these god damned emotions of mine. And get a life.

Well, I’m in major need of a shower, and some time to think, stretch, and sleep. You’ll be hearing from me tomorrow, after band.

-Jessica lynn

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2 Responses to “Maybe I understands now…”

  1. person said

    ask him out with a group at first… that’ll get rid of all the pressure and let him see what you’re really like… what your true personality is… then if you want to go further from there all you have to do is ask him out, but just the two of you. Genius!

  2. crazyguy1292 said

    girls and facing facts, jesus christ! sorry for all you religious peoples, but honestly! you don’t need to think about any of that shit. the important thing to remember is ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

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