My Belated Xmas Gift

December 29, 2007

Wyatt came over today. For a couple hours.

Needless to say I am happy. Which is an understatment. I’m like freaking sky high. Even that isn’t good nuff. I don’t know what is.

Anyways, he was only here for 2 hours. He met Ki, his mom met Ki. (his mom like LOVES Ki. No joke.) Best 2 hours of my life so far >_< no details for the unknown internet people. So there. lol.

Sometime this week I get more piercings. And yeah. Alls well that ends well(dunno what that means)

-Jessica lynn

Breathe Me

December 27, 2007

Breathe Me-Sia 

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

If you read the lyrics, I don’t think there’s too much of a need for me to type anymore.

-P.S. Listening to it makes more sense

-Jessica lynn

Long time no post…

December 27, 2007

Just, damn. Not cool. So much, so wrong, so fast.

Maybe rewind a little first yes?

Ok, so last week, thursday, I got fed up with Blake treating me like a doormat and I broke up with him. For those of you who don’t know, he was ‘anti-hug’ and kiss, and he ignored me all the freaking time. So no more Blake. Semi-funny story, the last straw for me was when he told me I could borrow his sweatshirt over Winter Break….and then forgot it. That was just, not cool. So, I tried to talk to him about it. Got ignored. Got pissed. Dumped him. End of story, I’m happier now actually.

Wyatt was concerned as always. Very sweet. Gotta love him.

But anyways. All I’ve had on mind forever was if there was anyway to get back together with him…before next Februrary. Not so simple really. Especially when you consider I dumped him, and haven’t given him a single good reason to let me back into his life.

Anyways, the other night, Christmas night I think actually…I was talkin’ to him, about the future. About what it might be like if we did get back together. What I’d have to do to get his mom to like me again. Where we’d have to start over. Stuff like that. And the more we talked, the more I believed maybe it could happen. Maybe soon, like in the next month even. I was soo happy, like more so than I have been in a long time.

So, of course, I open my big trap while I’m all good ‘n’ happy, and ask him if he thinks it’ll really happen. “We need more time”  That’s about the time he ripped my heart out(about 3/4 of the way, the other 1/4 came out later) So…I, being wonderful emo girl of the world, start crying. Just tears, not sobbing(yet) I wait for it to stop before I try talking again. And when I do talk again, he’s not answering(he was asleep, but I didn’t find that out for another 22 hours) and well, I kinda get panicy. I wonder why he’s not answering me. I can hear him breathing, so he didn’t hit the mute, and he didn’t hang up. I check my phone, I didn’t hit the mute either. I start getting a little hysterical. I’m crying harder, I keep trying to talk to him, telling him I’m sorry, I’m not mad, begging him to talk to me. But he’s not answering. I’m freaking out, I’m crying, sobbing really, I’m scared, I don’t know what I did, I don’t know why he’s not answering me, I don’t know how he can’t say anything. After maybe 20 or 30 mintues(felt like years) my mom told me to get off te phone. So I did. And then I texted him. And called his cell, no answer. I called 5 more times before I crashed.

The next day, yesterday, I just called him over and over and over again all day. I called his cell every hour since I’d woken up. I called his home and his cell starting around 12. Nobody answered the home phone until around 5 or 6. Apparently nobody likes me enough over there enough to even answer the phone if Wyatt’s not home.

So anyways, when I finally got a hold of him, I found out he’d fallen asleep, and had no clue about my wonderful panic attack. I felt pretty stupid right about then.

That’s when I got to what was really killing me. How we’d talked so much about getting back together, and then he’d told me to wait again. I had to find out what was really going on here.

So, I tried to beat around the bush some, but that never works and I ended up flat out asking, like always. And I got the worst answer ever. It was so bad, I don’t even really remember it. I just remember think “Oh god, he means it, he really means it.” And I broke down(that’s where I lost the other 1/4 of my heart, and that part hurt the most) I finally understood he meant it. He was serious. No Wyatt. No hugs. No kisses. No boyfriend. I’m gonna be all alone until he changes his mind, or next Feb. And if he has a girlfriend by next Feb? Well, tough love for me. How am I supposed to react to that? I reacted the only way I know how. The most lowly, unacceptable, pathetic way I know how. I cried. Worse than the night before. I couldn’t talk anymore. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see. I was fucking falling apart. I hung up as quick as I could manage. And cried. Sobbed. Bawled. I don’t care what you call it. I was harsh. My eyes were red and puffy, and it hurt to see. My stomache hurt and I felt like barfing. I wanted to curl up in a little ball and die. If I couldn’t have Wyatt I didn’t wanna live. I didn’t wanna breath, because it hurt. I didn’t wanna think. All I wanted(besides my baby) was to know how he could do this? How he could just say he loved me and he was sorry? I mean, he had to be lieing right? How can you rip someone’s heart out, and shred it bit by bit into a million little pieces, and then turn around and say I love you I’m sorry??? Do you not see how that doesn’t cut it? How that’s not possible? How it’s not right? I was(am) insane with grief. But I still love him. I don’t wanna hurt him. I’m like a fucking slave to my own emotions. To my fucking loyalty issues. But I couldn’t let my parents hear. I didn’t even wanna think about what would happen if they knew I was crying. It took all the willpower I had not to just scream. To tear up my room and scream. Throw a fucking tantrum. But I couldn’t. I held it all in, and pulled myself back together. After I’d put myself mostly back together, and stopped the sobbing, was breathing evenly, and stopped most of the tears, I wiped my face off and called him back. If nothing else, I had to keep talking to him. I mean, I had to hold onto something or I’d totally lose it.

And that’s about when I started trying to guilt trip him. Not consciously, but still. It was just so low. I’m not sure how I can live with myself. He made it perfectly crystal clear he wasn’t going to have much of anything to do with me in the near future. But still I tried, still I pleaded. And he didn’t give in. And instead of hating him? I admired him. I fucking admired him being able to shut out my attempts to drag him back into my life. Being able to just ignore the crying and the begging. That I’d dropped lower than I ever had, or ever want to again, just to try and get him to consider taking me back.

In the end, maybe I got him to think about it. But I don’t really think it’ll get me anywhere. Maybe drag my hopes back up, and dash ’em a few more times. But not much more than that. But knowing that won’t make it any different. Everytime he reconsiders, I’ll think that maybe, just maybe he’s giving in. And everytime it’s not true I’ll hate myself for falling for the same thing again. And through it all I’ll love him. Through it all, I’ll wish he could be here with me, or I could be there with him. And he’ll tell me he wishes the same thing. And I’ll believe him. Even though it’s him keeping us apart.

I’m spent, I haven’t eaten anything I think since this happened. I think maybe the tears have stopped, if only because I’m not drinking enough to cry. But none of that matters. I’ll survive. Now I need to waste 401 days of my life. Year that’s right I counted. The rest of this month, plus a leap year, plus January of 09. Then I’ll get a second chance. Maybe. But I’ll wait. I gave him a second chance, and a third actually, maybe he’ll give me another chance too?

-Jessica lynn

The last post….

December 11, 2007

Is now out of date. So….yeah. Temporarily better!

So we can all quit thinkin’ about me and go back to having lives. I’ll see you all when everthing goes to hell again!

-Jessica lynn

But lemme tell you now, neither one of us is gonna like it.

So, I’m not sure how long it’s been since my last post, but things have gotten worse. They were getting better for a while there. And I really thought it was over, that we weren’t gonna have more fights. But ya know, I was wrong.

I’ve been trying really hard not to fight. I mean it. I let him say just about anything, and even if it pissed me off I just let it go. And if I couldn’t be nice to him, I tried not to talk too much, so that even if we weren’t really talking, at least I wasn’t bitching. You might be surprised how little it takes to get me bitchy. And maybe if you knew you’d realize how hard I tried not to hurt Wyatt, or piss him off. I guess maybe trying doesn’t count for much anymore does it?

So anyways, last night we went overboard. I’m not gonna place any blame. Hell, I don’t know who started it. I don’t even care. But anyways, we were talking about stuff, prolly about us fighting I think. And he said something about how all I cared about was me and Blake, and blah blah blah, we went off on that tangent. And I said something, and I really expected a response…and what do I get? Youtube links. Fucking youtube links. About some girls ass, and a bomb in the road. And then, he started talking about Guitar Maniac, and how he got silver, or gold, or some goddamn thing. I had it, I was hormonal, I was bitchy, I was ready to rip his fucking head off right then and there. But what did I say to him? NOTHING. I didn’t wanna fight. I didn’t him mad at me, and I sure as hell didn’t want it to be my fault. So of course, he goes on, you don’t care, etc etc etc. And I’m just sitting here, not gonna kill him not gonna kill him not gonna kill him. You know? So he just keeps talking, and I keep myself in check, but I’m sayin’ anything. Trying to be a good girl you know? Being minorly bitchy is ok if it’s because you’re preventing a full on explosion. Sometimes.

David gets on, I vent, I cool off. I talk to Wyatt some. Apologive for givin’ him the silent treatment, get some myself. Stay calm, stay nice. I don’t even know what the hell started it! Prolly I asked what was bugging him. If it was me, and he finally say yes(actually he said kinda) Now that didn’t me mad, but I wanted to fix it you know? I ask if I can fix it, and he says he doesn’t know. I mean come on, you guys know how it goes by now don’t you? I go on about how I’m trying to fucking fix this, and he’s doing nothing. And basically, I just got really pissed. Mostly hurt(yeah I’m so damn pathetic, everything hurts-oh fucking well) but it was the first time I got really pissed about this whole thing. He tries to tell me all I care about is myself and Blake. Well for one-I don’t to him about Blake-he brings Blake up all the time. That’s my fault how? And If I didn’t care about Wyatt, I would’ve stopped talking to him after we broke up. Yeah he’s my friend, yeah I love(d) talking to him. But these days it’s a real pain. I promised him we’d stay friends, and that promise ment something to me. That’s why I’m trying so hard to fix this, because normally moving on is something I’m very good at. Since I’m really used to people dropping, ditching, or leaving me. And even though Wyatt was something really damn special, the really damn special people are the ones that go away… Maybe that promise didn’t mean anything to him though. And I’m starting to see that. Especially since trying to fix our realationship is a totally one sided effort by me.

Only now, I’ve got Wyatt really pissed at me, he thinks I’m a total bitch. Which is pretty sad cuz I really haven’t been a bitch at all this past month or so. Or at least that’s how I feel. Actually, I feel like he wants this to happen. Now I realize that’s retarded, and there’s almost no chance that’s true. But I really feel like he couldn’t care less if he never heard from me again. In fact, like he might even be happier if I just let him be. Like a normal person. He’s my ex, he should be my past. Not my present, not my future. And I guess…maybe he’s right a little bit, I am kinda self centered, I don’t wanna let him go. It’s just so hard. Plus me promising to stay friends with him…I don’t wanna break a promise, and I really don’t wanna break a promise with Wyatt. I can’t explain really. But I wish I could. I wish I could explain why this is so hard on me. Why I trust him so much, why I love him so damn much. But I can’t, I don’t think any words could.

And I was hoping if I waited until today I’d be more rational about this. Less passionate, or bitchy, or whatever you wanna call it. But I’m not. Oh well.

I hate this, talking to me is like running blind in a minefield, and I don’t think Wyatt even knows it. And talking to him feel like walking through a minefield in broad daylight and not knowing if you’ll be alive after the next step. I don’t think he realizes that either! I wish I didn’t know it either.

So now here comes the list of other crap that went wrong in the last 24 hours.

I’ve got a migrain, so I skipped out on track and Samaras is gonna kill me tomorrow.

I didn’t get dinner. And I’m not going to….T_T 

Hannah has the flute solo AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN WANT IT!!

I miss that old ‘ontop of the world’ feeling I used to have…I had it with Wyatt you know…he made me feel like I mattered, like a was worth something. He gave me confidence. Now I’m not dissing Blake or anything. But he is not Wyatt. He’s not like head over heels for me or anything. He’s just a guy, with a girlfriend….and sure he cares, but I’m his life or anything like that. Hell, I might be even be too clingy for him….it’d really suck if he thought that. I don’t hang on him anywhere near as much as I did with Wyatt.  Blake doesn’t really get me…working on it, and I think he wants to, but he doesn’t yet.

I’m complaining too much…life doesn’t suck as much as I say it does….I’m alive right?

After I start listing things you know I’ve spent all the energy I can take on this. Or that I’m crying. Or that life sucks to much to go on…..Something kinda like that.

-Jessica lynn

Fights

December 2, 2007

I’ve been fighting a whole lot. I’ve been fighting with my best friend. So I don’t really have anyone talk to about it. Makes it suck more than usual. That and I can’t seem to fix the problem, or stop the fights. It’s the first time I’ve really fought with a friend. I’ve had little one or two day things that kinda bugged me. But this is bad. I’ve been crying over fighting with Wyatt. And not just once. It seems like once I get started I just can’t stop. And it’s not cool at all.

So far as I can tell, it’s not that he’s jealous of Blake*yes that was my first thought* but that it’s really getting on his nerves that I talk about Blake, and how I didn’t get any kisses, or I didn’t enough hugs, or whatever every day. Mostly since he doesn’t have it. And I can see how that can be annoying. Having someone constatly talk to you about something that you can’t have. It’s just…it’s kind of a habit. And I’m having trouble stopping. So we keep fighting, and I keep crying.

He doesn’t think the fights are that bad…so I guess that’s good, it’s pretty fixable from his point of view I think. But these fights are killing me. I’m not getting sleep, I’m having problems eating, I can’t focus in class. No, it’s not as bad as it sounds, and yeah, that’s a li’l exaggerated. But it’s still real. And it still hurts. Mostly my heart. I remember how we used to be, what it used to be like. And it hurts.

And then there’s Blake. He’s not supposed to date until he’s 16. But he can have a girlfriend. I don’t understand how this works. And Wyatt, you can just skip all this.  I don’t know if I’ll wait for him. But I also know I haven’t dumped him since I found out either. I really don’t know where this is going with me and Blake. I also really wanna go back to Wyatt, so bad. But I’m not gonna leave Blake for Wyatt. In a couple of months…assuming this last that long, I might be in just as deep with Blake as I was with Wyatt. Maybe not in all respects,especially if I never get to see him outside of school, but emotionally anyways. That could be bad. Or it could be good. Right now all it is is a little scary, but I’m gonna just see where it all goes. Mostly becuase I’m too damn stubborn to run again.

You know, maybe I do know why these fights hurt me more than anything else. I loved Wyatt more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He knew me better than I knew myself, and he made me happier than I’d ever been before. So now, he has the power to hurt me more than anyone else can. And he doesn’t even have to try. Because he’s already past any kind of defense I have against pain. I care about him, I love him, it’d hurt more to have him tell me he was dissapointed in me than to be beat up by some punk on the streets. He is my worst weakness. I have no protection from him, because I never thought I’d need any.

-Jessica lynn