December 2, 2007

I’ve been fighting a whole lot. I’ve been fighting with my best friend. So I don’t really have anyone talk to about it. Makes it suck more than usual. That and I can’t seem to fix the problem, or stop the fights. It’s the first time I’ve really fought with a friend. I’ve had little one or two day things that kinda bugged me. But this is bad. I’ve been crying over fighting with Wyatt. And not just once. It seems like once I get started I just can’t stop. And it’s not cool at all.

So far as I can tell, it’s not that he’s jealous of Blake*yes that was my first thought* but that it’s really getting on his nerves that I talk about Blake, and how I didn’t get any kisses, or I didn’t enough hugs, or whatever every day. Mostly since he doesn’t have it. And I can see how that can be annoying. Having someone constatly talk to you about something that you can’t have. It’s just…it’s kind of a habit. And I’m having trouble stopping. So we keep fighting, and I keep crying.

He doesn’t think the fights are that bad…so I guess that’s good, it’s pretty fixable from his point of view I think. But these fights are killing me. I’m not getting sleep, I’m having problems eating, I can’t focus in class. No, it’s not as bad as it sounds, and yeah, that’s a li’l exaggerated. But it’s still real. And it still hurts. Mostly my heart. I remember how we used to be, what it used to be like. And it hurts.

And then there’s Blake. He’s not supposed to date until he’s 16. But he can have a girlfriend. I don’t understand how this works. And Wyatt, you can just skip all this.  I don’t know if I’ll wait for him. But I also know I haven’t dumped him since I found out either. I really don’t know where this is going with me and Blake. I also really wanna go back to Wyatt, so bad. But I’m not gonna leave Blake for Wyatt. In a couple of months…assuming this last that long, I might be in just as deep with Blake as I was with Wyatt. Maybe not in all respects,especially if I never get to see him outside of school, but emotionally anyways. That could be bad. Or it could be good. Right now all it is is a little scary, but I’m gonna just see where it all goes. Mostly becuase I’m too damn stubborn to run again.

You know, maybe I do know why these fights hurt me more than anything else. I loved Wyatt more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He knew me better than I knew myself, and he made me happier than I’d ever been before. So now, he has the power to hurt me more than anyone else can. And he doesn’t even have to try. Because he’s already past any kind of defense I have against pain. I care about him, I love him, it’d hurt more to have him tell me he was dissapointed in me than to be beat up by some punk on the streets. He is my worst weakness. I have no protection from him, because I never thought I’d need any.

-Jessica lynn


2 Responses to “Fights”

  1. Me said

    I dun wanna fight anymore. I love you.

  2. Me said

    even though i cant have you

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