You wanted a post, so now you got one

December 11, 2007

But lemme tell you now, neither one of us is gonna like it.

So, I’m not sure how long it’s been since my last post, but things have gotten worse. They were getting better for a while there. And I really thought it was over, that we weren’t gonna have more fights. But ya know, I was wrong.

I’ve been trying really hard not to fight. I mean it. I let him say just about anything, and even if it pissed me off I just let it go. And if I couldn’t be nice to him, I tried not to talk too much, so that even if we weren’t really talking, at least I wasn’t bitching. You might be surprised how little it takes to get me bitchy. And maybe if you knew you’d realize how hard I tried not to hurt Wyatt, or piss him off. I guess maybe trying doesn’t count for much anymore does it?

So anyways, last night we went overboard. I’m not gonna place any blame. Hell, I don’t know who started it. I don’t even care. But anyways, we were talking about stuff, prolly about us fighting I think. And he said something about how all I cared about was me and Blake, and blah blah blah, we went off on that tangent. And I said something, and I really expected a response…and what do I get? Youtube links. Fucking youtube links. About some girls ass, and a bomb in the road. And then, he started talking about Guitar Maniac, and how he got silver, or gold, or some goddamn thing. I had it, I was hormonal, I was bitchy, I was ready to rip his fucking head off right then and there. But what did I say to him? NOTHING. I didn’t wanna fight. I didn’t him mad at me, and I sure as hell didn’t want it to be my fault. So of course, he goes on, you don’t care, etc etc etc. And I’m just sitting here, not gonna kill him not gonna kill him not gonna kill him. You know? So he just keeps talking, and I keep myself in check, but I’m sayin’ anything. Trying to be a good girl you know? Being minorly bitchy is ok if it’s because you’re preventing a full on explosion. Sometimes.

David gets on, I vent, I cool off. I talk to Wyatt some. Apologive for givin’ him the silent treatment, get some myself. Stay calm, stay nice. I don’t even know what the hell started it! Prolly I asked what was bugging him. If it was me, and he finally say yes(actually he said kinda) Now that didn’t me mad, but I wanted to fix it you know? I ask if I can fix it, and he says he doesn’t know. I mean come on, you guys know how it goes by now don’t you? I go on about how I’m trying to fucking fix this, and he’s doing nothing. And basically, I just got really pissed. Mostly hurt(yeah I’m so damn pathetic, everything hurts-oh fucking well) but it was the first time I got really pissed about this whole thing. He tries to tell me all I care about is myself and Blake. Well for one-I don’t to him about Blake-he brings Blake up all the time. That’s my fault how? And If I didn’t care about Wyatt, I would’ve stopped talking to him after we broke up. Yeah he’s my friend, yeah I love(d) talking to him. But these days it’s a real pain. I promised him we’d stay friends, and that promise ment something to me. That’s why I’m trying so hard to fix this, because normally moving on is something I’m very good at. Since I’m really used to people dropping, ditching, or leaving me. And even though Wyatt was something really damn special, the really damn special people are the ones that go away… Maybe that promise didn’t mean anything to him though. And I’m starting to see that. Especially since trying to fix our realationship is a totally one sided effort by me.

Only now, I’ve got Wyatt really pissed at me, he thinks I’m a total bitch. Which is pretty sad cuz I really haven’t been a bitch at all this past month or so. Or at least that’s how I feel. Actually, I feel like he wants this to happen. Now I realize that’s retarded, and there’s almost no chance that’s true. But I really feel like he couldn’t care less if he never heard from me again. In fact, like he might even be happier if I just let him be. Like a normal person. He’s my ex, he should be my past. Not my present, not my future. And I guess…maybe he’s right a little bit, I am kinda self centered, I don’t wanna let him go. It’s just so hard. Plus me promising to stay friends with him…I don’t wanna break a promise, and I really don’t wanna break a promise with Wyatt. I can’t explain really. But I wish I could. I wish I could explain why this is so hard on me. Why I trust him so much, why I love him so damn much. But I can’t, I don’t think any words could.

And I was hoping if I waited until today I’d be more rational about this. Less passionate, or bitchy, or whatever you wanna call it. But I’m not. Oh well.

I hate this, talking to me is like running blind in a minefield, and I don’t think Wyatt even knows it. And talking to him feel like walking through a minefield in broad daylight and not knowing if you’ll be alive after the next step. I don’t think he realizes that either! I wish I didn’t know it either.

So now here comes the list of other crap that went wrong in the last 24 hours.

I’ve got a migrain, so I skipped out on track and Samaras is gonna kill me tomorrow.

I didn’t get dinner. And I’m not going to….T_T 

Hannah has the flute solo AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN WANT IT!!

I miss that old ‘ontop of the world’ feeling I used to have…I had it with Wyatt you know…he made me feel like I mattered, like a was worth something. He gave me confidence. Now I’m not dissing Blake or anything. But he is not Wyatt. He’s not like head over heels for me or anything. He’s just a guy, with a girlfriend….and sure he cares, but I’m his life or anything like that. Hell, I might be even be too clingy for him….it’d really suck if he thought that. I don’t hang on him anywhere near as much as I did with Wyatt.  Blake doesn’t really get me…working on it, and I think he wants to, but he doesn’t yet.

I’m complaining too much…life doesn’t suck as much as I say it does….I’m alive right?

After I start listing things you know I’ve spent all the energy I can take on this. Or that I’m crying. Or that life sucks to much to go on…..Something kinda like that.

-Jessica lynn


2 Responses to “You wanted a post, so now you got one”

  1. Crazyguy1292 said

    Ok did you even watch those vids? that ass was hanging off!!!! n it was an IED in the road… not just some bomb. also not maniac guitar it was Super Crazy Guitar Maniac Deluxe…2
    sry if this pisses you off more

  2. crazyguy1292 said

    ok, you know what? you try getting gold on Big Blue, that song is crazy hard as hell!

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