Long time no post…

December 27, 2007

Just, damn. Not cool. So much, so wrong, so fast.

Maybe rewind a little first yes?

Ok, so last week, thursday, I got fed up with Blake treating me like a doormat and I broke up with him. For those of you who don’t know, he was ‘anti-hug’ and kiss, and he ignored me all the freaking time. So no more Blake. Semi-funny story, the last straw for me was when he told me I could borrow his sweatshirt over Winter Break….and then forgot it. That was just, not cool. So, I tried to talk to him about it. Got ignored. Got pissed. Dumped him. End of story, I’m happier now actually.

Wyatt was concerned as always. Very sweet. Gotta love him.

But anyways. All I’ve had on mind forever was if there was anyway to get back together with him…before next Februrary. Not so simple really. Especially when you consider I dumped him, and haven’t given him a single good reason to let me back into his life.

Anyways, the other night, Christmas night I think actually…I was talkin’ to him, about the future. About what it might be like if we did get back together. What I’d have to do to get his mom to like me again. Where we’d have to start over. Stuff like that. And the more we talked, the more I believed maybe it could happen. Maybe soon, like in the next month even. I was soo happy, like more so than I have been in a long time.

So, of course, I open my big trap while I’m all good ‘n’ happy, and ask him if he thinks it’ll really happen. “We need more time”  That’s about the time he ripped my heart out(about 3/4 of the way, the other 1/4 came out later) So…I, being wonderful emo girl of the world, start crying. Just tears, not sobbing(yet) I wait for it to stop before I try talking again. And when I do talk again, he’s not answering(he was asleep, but I didn’t find that out for another 22 hours) and well, I kinda get panicy. I wonder why he’s not answering me. I can hear him breathing, so he didn’t hit the mute, and he didn’t hang up. I check my phone, I didn’t hit the mute either. I start getting a little hysterical. I’m crying harder, I keep trying to talk to him, telling him I’m sorry, I’m not mad, begging him to talk to me. But he’s not answering. I’m freaking out, I’m crying, sobbing really, I’m scared, I don’t know what I did, I don’t know why he’s not answering me, I don’t know how he can’t say anything. After maybe 20 or 30 mintues(felt like years) my mom told me to get off te phone. So I did. And then I texted him. And called his cell, no answer. I called 5 more times before I crashed.

The next day, yesterday, I just called him over and over and over again all day. I called his cell every hour since I’d woken up. I called his home and his cell starting around 12. Nobody answered the home phone until around 5 or 6. Apparently nobody likes me enough over there enough to even answer the phone if Wyatt’s not home.

So anyways, when I finally got a hold of him, I found out he’d fallen asleep, and had no clue about my wonderful panic attack. I felt pretty stupid right about then.

That’s when I got to what was really killing me. How we’d talked so much about getting back together, and then he’d told me to wait again. I had to find out what was really going on here.

So, I tried to beat around the bush some, but that never works and I ended up flat out asking, like always. And I got the worst answer ever. It was so bad, I don’t even really remember it. I just remember think “Oh god, he means it, he really means it.” And I broke down(that’s where I lost the other 1/4 of my heart, and that part hurt the most) I finally understood he meant it. He was serious. No Wyatt. No hugs. No kisses. No boyfriend. I’m gonna be all alone until he changes his mind, or next Feb. And if he has a girlfriend by next Feb? Well, tough love for me. How am I supposed to react to that? I reacted the only way I know how. The most lowly, unacceptable, pathetic way I know how. I cried. Worse than the night before. I couldn’t talk anymore. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see. I was fucking falling apart. I hung up as quick as I could manage. And cried. Sobbed. Bawled. I don’t care what you call it. I was harsh. My eyes were red and puffy, and it hurt to see. My stomache hurt and I felt like barfing. I wanted to curl up in a little ball and die. If I couldn’t have Wyatt I didn’t wanna live. I didn’t wanna breath, because it hurt. I didn’t wanna think. All I wanted(besides my baby) was to know how he could do this? How he could just say he loved me and he was sorry? I mean, he had to be lieing right? How can you rip someone’s heart out, and shred it bit by bit into a million little pieces, and then turn around and say I love you I’m sorry??? Do you not see how that doesn’t cut it? How that’s not possible? How it’s not right? I was(am) insane with grief. But I still love him. I don’t wanna hurt him. I’m like a fucking slave to my own emotions. To my fucking loyalty issues. But I couldn’t let my parents hear. I didn’t even wanna think about what would happen if they knew I was crying. It took all the willpower I had not to just scream. To tear up my room and scream. Throw a fucking tantrum. But I couldn’t. I held it all in, and pulled myself back together. After I’d put myself mostly back together, and stopped the sobbing, was breathing evenly, and stopped most of the tears, I wiped my face off and called him back. If nothing else, I had to keep talking to him. I mean, I had to hold onto something or I’d totally lose it.

And that’s about when I started trying to guilt trip him. Not consciously, but still. It was just so low. I’m not sure how I can live with myself. He made it perfectly crystal clear he wasn’t going to have much of anything to do with me in the near future. But still I tried, still I pleaded. And he didn’t give in. And instead of hating him? I admired him. I fucking admired him being able to shut out my attempts to drag him back into my life. Being able to just ignore the crying and the begging. That I’d dropped lower than I ever had, or ever want to again, just to try and get him to consider taking me back.

In the end, maybe I got him to think about it. But I don’t really think it’ll get me anywhere. Maybe drag my hopes back up, and dash ’em a few more times. But not much more than that. But knowing that won’t make it any different. Everytime he reconsiders, I’ll think that maybe, just maybe he’s giving in. And everytime it’s not true I’ll hate myself for falling for the same thing again. And through it all I’ll love him. Through it all, I’ll wish he could be here with me, or I could be there with him. And he’ll tell me he wishes the same thing. And I’ll believe him. Even though it’s him keeping us apart.

I’m spent, I haven’t eaten anything I think since this happened. I think maybe the tears have stopped, if only because I’m not drinking enough to cry. But none of that matters. I’ll survive. Now I need to waste 401 days of my life. Year that’s right I counted. The rest of this month, plus a leap year, plus January of 09. Then I’ll get a second chance. Maybe. But I’ll wait. I gave him a second chance, and a third actually, maybe he’ll give me another chance too?

-Jessica lynn


2 Responses to “Long time no post…”

  1. Me said

    Yeah david n whoever else reads this try not to be up all day long and then talk on the phone until midnight, bad idea. Baby i am sorry, you know i am, i hope you know that i love you too. I don’t really think that me being stubborn is something to admire, you need to eat, you need to drink, and you need to take your migrane medicine. these are not recommended things, you need to do these things, ok? and remind me to ask you what my second and third chances were because its 3 AM and i wont remember what i wrote here when i wake up at noon, can you please do that for me? See, i can leave comments… they just take me a while. i will be up by noon, so its safe to call at 1, if there’s anything that you need to talk to me about that i didnt mention here than you can talk to me about it on the phone okay babe? i love you.

  2. crazyguy1292 said

    at least you can find an admirable quality in me, thats more than i can do…

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