Guess What

March 4, 2008

I did something stupid again!  YAY ME!

Yeah, so, I was talking to Wyatt last night yeah? And I decided that I should prolly tell him about asking Ty out last year…just cuz..I dunno, I was just feeling guilty and kinda thought I’d maybe waited long enough that be wouldn’t hate me for it. Well…not so true. He’s really not happy about. More hurt than mad maybe, but definately upset.

So what can I do? I don’t know. It happened last year…but he actually asked me if I’d asked him out…and I lied to Wyatt’s face, told him no. Like what, and hour after I’d asked Ty out? How twisted is that?

But..I thought maybe..if I told Wyatt, maybe he’d understand…I think about now and…I was askin’ too much.

This is getting way bigger than I thought it would. People know about it, people I don’t always tell everything. Sam jumped on me about it this morning. She’s totally 100% on Wyatt’s side. I’m glad, but kinda lonely. After talkin’ to her she got me too, she always does in the end. But…she dissapointed, badly.

I crossed a line. And not just a little.

This is just a fucking mess. Clean up in asile 3?? Anybody?

*sigh* I need help…from myself.

This is going nowheres. I’ve gotta do something, but what??? This is where Sammi is supposed to pop up and tell me what’s going on, or that I’m dreaming, and that life is simple, and there’s nothing wrong. Well, my issues are real and my Sammi is not happy with me. Hell, I’m not happy with me!! I feel real bad. About this whole damn thing. Wish I’d never fucking met Tyler. I mean, like. Well…I can’t blame him. It’s my fault you know. And well..I just fucked up.

Personal goal in life: Quit fucking my life up. It has enough issues without my help.

I’m not doin’ so great for those of you who want to know/care. But I really doubt you do. I mean how many people that know me read this read? Wyatt I know. Other people sometimes…but eh. Not too much. I took my meds…soo, in a little while I’ll be asleep and none of this will matter anymore. So why does that sound so wrong and yet so nice?

Fuck. Wyatt doesn’t know who I am anymore. I  don’t know who I am anymore. Does anyone? I don’t even care really actually. I dug my own grave you know. I made Wyatt all that mattered in life, and then I told him all of my faults, and then I made some problems in addition to that. And then I told him about everything I’d dont he didn’t know. I was just asking  for him to find a reason not to want me anymore. It tears me up inside. Kinda like when we’re fighting. I know it’s bad before I hang up he doesn’t tell me he loves me. I know it’s really bad if I say it first and just says bye…or worse, last night he just hung up after I said I love you. And I know he heard me, there was a pause. And when I heard that phone click dead. That silence was like getting punched in the stomache. I mean yeah I deserved it. I know I deserved what I got. What he said on WP, what Sam said, the sinking feeling, the butterflies, everything. But..I can still hate it.

I’ve gotten better, we’ve been fighting more, which is bad. But I can hide that it hurts. How I feel about these fights hasn’t changed one goddamn bit since the beginnning of the year. But I can hide how I feel. It feels wrong on some levels. But it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I still have some control over myself.

Crying was prolly good for me. But I hated it so much. I could prolly say crying is good for me considering the state I’m in. But like I said, I’ve got more control. I’m still typing, my eyes are clear enough to see the screen. Little things like that. Oh, and my sis who’s in the same room can’t tell (jus cuz she’s not looking at me) I guess it’s easier for me now too becuz I did this to myself. So can jus hate myself, and that’s not really worth crying over.

I need to call Wyatt back. I’ll post again another day I bet. Later.

-Jessica lynn


One Response to “Guess What”

  1. bluedusksky said

    I’m sorry…..

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