Goddamnit

June 18, 2008

Ever hear the saying stay mad as long as you posibly can so you don’t feel the pain? or something like that….I don’t really remember exactly.

Anyways, it works only for so long. In my case around 2 weeks. Yesterday was the first time I really talked to him. To be honest, I liked it, I haven’t talked to him hardly at all in a really long time. About anything. Only thing is this morning I woke up and…I missed him. And goddamnit I don’t need that. I decided that this time, I can’t just turn around and hope that Wyatt will take me back. I mean, to break up with a guy and then change your mind? That’s so wrong. It’d be one thing if HE wanted ME back. But…I don’t really think that’s gonna happen. I made a pretty good show of being a total bitch when I broke up with him. It was the only way I could do it. I think. I really don’t know. Anyways, the only reason I’m writing this is because I’m sitting here, crying about this. About what I’ve done to my own life. Looks like my time of being mad ran out. And now I get to be even more sad than I was in the begging because I have to face the fact that I was bitch for so long. Isn’t that just wonderful?

I have a headache and I don’t remember the last time I took my pills. I’m getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and I’m scared shitless. My mom called and told the people not to give me Vikadin cuz it made my sis sick to her stomache. I get Tylenol w/ codine in it. If that doesn’t work I’ma be fucking pissed. And in pain. God I’m a mess. Does life have a rewind button? Because I think I’d like to go back to somewhere in the end of 8th grade and just put life on stop. Stay there forever. I was pretty damn ignorant back then. And head over heels in love. Wyatt has been the best thing in my life. And to perfectly honest…I don’t really know why I keep pushing him away. Well I do, I just don’t get it. I’m scared. Why am I scared? Right, like I fucking know. If I really knew why I was scared somebody would know. I’d have somebody to help. Sombody who cares. Somebody like Wyatt. But you know I don’t. And until I get whatever this problem is fixed. I’m taking a break from guys. Yeah that’s right. All of ’em. In the dating sense anyways. Like hell I could really cut all the guys outta my life.

Anyways. I’m spent. There’s more stuff jumbled up in my head. I’ll sort through all of it later.

-F.I.N.E.

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