I Gotta be Fucking Bipolar

October 22, 2008

I mean I had a great day right? Up until about 2 hours ago when I came home and cried. Makes perfect sense right?

God this is so confusing.

Ok, so I’ll start at the beginning and hope it works. Prolly I’ll forget a ton of stuff. So…whatever I don’t even care.

Morning, coffee, 1st per, Mr. Dorr’s class had issues with the drains, he fixed that, we took the stupid 2 hour test. Break, hugged Wes because I can’t not, he gives me a birthday present, I almost wish he hadn’t because it’s sweet and it made me just wanna kiss him and ya know….can’t do that. But anyways yeah, he made me a bracelt. One of those hemp ones I wish I knew how to make. And he made it yellow and pink >.< and I’m wearing it anyways *sigh* soccer, Edgar and Gustoff*sp?* won’t leave me alone, and other people are starting to come up to me and ask if I’ve noticed they like me. Which yeah, I have.

History we watched a movie….woot?

Anyways, mostly cuz of the bracelet at that point I pretty much sky high ya know? It was just a good day. Even if I didn’t make it sound like one.

So Wyatt asks if I’m goin to the College fiar thing tonight. And I’m like yeah, you? And he is, and I’m like maybe I’ll see you. And yeah.

So mom gets home and we leave. I’m driving. It goes downhill from here.

As I’m backing out the driveway some stupid jogger runs behind me and almost gets herself run over….that freaks me and my mom out. But it was ok. Only she just keeps flipping out. She flips out at the stop sign, the light, on the freeway, off the freeway. God I coulda killed her! Anyways, we get to Westview, I’m already in a bad mood. We get out, I try immediately to ditch my parents. No luck of course. So I’m just kind of pissed off on the inside-don’t-talk-to-me sorta thing you know? But also kinda subconciously/conciously looking for Wyatt. I was kinda hoping just a little bit that I might see him, give him a hug, and actually, really, for reals, in a way he might accept apologize to him, and, of course, talk. Not about anything important, just for the hell of it. Because I mean, being me, even though we are still friends, I really don’t think we’ll ever be able to pull off seeing each other as friends, like going to the movies or anything. So…basically, I dunno, I just wanted to see him and chat ya know? Get a chance to make nice. Maybe meet Erica*no, not to kill her* that sorta thing. Anyways, I did see him, in the mass of people, I was just like long time no see, and he’s like yeah. And then he was gone again. Aw fuck here I go again with the crying. Um, so yeah. Then I pretty much wandered around thinking about him. And my dad was talking to me about stuff, and I don’t really know where my mom was. My night was basically shot at that point.

Never eat strawberry cake when depressed. Does you no good besides making you wanna barf.

So yeah. Then, my parents dragged me in to look at the UCs. And of course, who do I see again? Wyatt. I don’t think he noticed me this time around. But I definately noticed him. It probably hurt so bad because it’s the first time I’ve seen him since…yeah.

And then we finally get to leave, and I’m totally in like a horrible mood at this point right?

So we walk outside. To the front of the school. And who do I see?  Wyatt.

Why god? Why? Why would someone do this to me. Again, I don’t think he even saw me. But I couldn’t even take my eyes off of him. So many things went through my head. Does he miss me like I miss him?-no he’s got a new girlfriend, what reason does he have to miss me?. Does he love her like he loved me?-I don’t even wanna know, I think I’d die. Why didn’t I treat him the way he deserved to be treated?-because I was an idiot, I am an idiot. Why can’t I stop thinking about him?-because I still love him, duh. Why do I still love him?-because I just kind of pretended he didn’t exist for a while, I never actually faced reality. Why am I crying now?-because I have to cry. He was amazing, he is amazing. I hurt him, I hurt myself. I fucked our whole relationship up. And why?-because I was scared, because I was worried if I gave him another chance and he didn’t change I’d lose the courage to tell him it wasn’t working, I’d give in for good. Why do I have to be so weak? Why can’t I answer all of my own questions??

So anyways. My parents made me drive home. And my mom was really mean to me. Which I didn’t need. When I got on the freeway, she said to my dad, that if this is my practice car he’s gonna be buying me a truck a lot sooner than he thinks. That hurt. I was actually doing a decent job of driving. And, you realize how upset I have to be for my mom to get under my skin? Especially about something as stupid as driving?

And we get home, I go in a grab Kira and hold her. I’m upset. I don’t even turn the lights on. My mom n dad come in talking, my mom whispers, I bet she’s probably a little upset she saw Wyatt you know. And I say you know I can hear you right? I almost started crying right then. But I didn’t. I had too feed Ki, and empty the dishwasher. About 10 minutes after we got home I took a shower. I just shut the door and leaned into it, I already had tears rolling down my cheeks, but I didn’t want them to hear me you know? So stripped and turned on the water, turned it up way high hot as it gets, and stepped in. I sank to the floor and let the spray hit my back as I sobbed.

I don’t know how long I was in there, but eventually, I knew my parents were gonna start telling me to get out…but I was still crying. So…how to stop once you start? I gave myself a couple brisk slaps, got my face nice n red too. It hurt pretty bad. Actually helped a little too. And I turned the water on real cold and splashed my face real good. I was still weeping a little, but I went to my room to get dressed. And of course I turned on some music…cuz it’s what I do. And..my luck. Bubbly comes on. And I started all over again! Goddamnit! Do you know how much that sucks?? Just lying on the floor sobbing? Normally I just weep, but nooo I had to sob. WTF?! Anyways, eventually I came down and ate. And now I’m having cake and spilling my guts to myself. But of course all I really want is to talk to Wyatt who’s not even on aim right now. But I don’t think calling him is a good idea. So what am I gonna do?

What do I want to do?


No more.

Night I guess



I got rejected….again

But really who’s surprised? It’s not like I really thought it was gonna work. Only I did. Or at least I wanted it too. Way more than I thought I did. Somehow, knowing something isn’t gonna happen hurts so much more than just assuming it won’t.

I’m just in some kind of emotional rut right now. More like a goddamn trench. I mean what the fuck is going on here? I just feel like crying. Why??? Why do I wanna cry? Why do I feel neglected.


I mean come on, it’s not like I asked for this. I just wanted somebody I could hug and kiss. And talk to a little bit. Was that too much? *yes* It’s just that every time I find someone that actually interests me, it can’t work. It’s like a fucking law. I don’t want to wait 3 years for another perfect guy. I just want somebody who isn’t gonna hurt me. Who’s here, now…and yet I read that and I realize even that’s too much to ask.

I mean…when you talk to people, and the only reason they have for not wanting to to you is “I don’t want a girlfriend right now.” I mean, that’s just like the nice verzion of “I don’t wanna date you.” Right? Because I’m sorry, but there aren’t many teenages who don’t want a date. Hormones are pretty killer.

Only then there’s the possiblilty he really means it. In which case…if he ever changes his mind…will he even think of me? God I hope so. But who am I kidding? Why can’t I just be more open minded about who I’m gonna date? Why do I just fall head over heels for people I’m never gonna get? Ok, so I got over Michael…mostly. And Jordan, and Chase, and so many other guys. But why the fuck can’t I just pick a guy that likes me? A sure shot. God I hate myself. I hate that I eat so much. I hate that guys don’t like me. Or at least that the ones I like don’t like me. I hate that I’m bold enough to actually ask so I constantly get rejected. I hate that I get rejected so much that I’m fucking used to it by now. I hate that I’m not underweight anymore. I hate that I keep getting injured. I hate that I get picked on. I hate that I can’t concentrate. I hate that guys matter so much to me. I hate that I don’t know how to make this better. I hate that I’m tired. I hate that I’m a caffine addict, and that I get migrains. I hate that I get so upset so damn easily.

What’s happening to me?

I’m falling apart. I hardly even care anymore. It hurts, but it’s almost like I’m numb. So why do I feel like crying? Why doesn’t this make any sense? God I need a drink. I need to study. I need to sleep. I’ll feel better in the morning probably. *sigh*


Well….I killed my own train of thought. Thank god. I might finished/continue this later. I dunno.

I don’t feel any better I don’t think. But I’m less frustrated, and just kinda depressed now….is that an improvement?

I’ll get over it. But for now, it sucks.


Yeah, long time no see

October 19, 2008

Umm…how long has it been exactly?

Anyways, hi. I’m feeling less mad at the world now. Guys don’t fail that bad. lol I just spent like the last hour reading Wyatt’s wordpress from start to finish. Dunno why exactly. But I felt like it. *shrugs* The first say half maybe made me feel pretty good actually. And, if any of you even know what my old wp looked like, you’ll notice that I redid it. We’ll see how long this one sticks lol.

But yeah, life is pretty…well…life-like I guess. I’ve been single for like 6 months now. And…emotionally, I’m pretty ok with that. Again, emotionally, I don’t even really want another boyfriend. But physically….I’m like dying. lol. And I did manage to find a guy that I actually like. Like as a person, not like Michael, in the sense that his personality sucks, but I would so do him any day of the week >.< yeah. Pretty sick I know. I met a guy who’s passably cute, and has a great personality. What I need to do is quit comparing people to Wyatt. Once I can stop doing that, things will be easier. Because nobody is gonna be just like him. And I should know that by now.


So, hopefully, sometime in the near future I’ll have a new cuddle-buddy. If I do, that’ll help me with so many things…I hope. Like, potentially I’ll be thinking more about said cuddle-buddy than Wyatt. Which would be nice you know. And, I’ll have cuddles, and I mean come on. A girl needs cuddles. Especially me. hehe. And what else….oh, the cuddles will make me happier. And last I checked being happy was a good thing. So. Yeah.

Soccer owns, bitchy soccer players fail though. Oh, they also hurt. So….yeah.

I guess maybe I’ll post again later. I’d forgotten how soothing typing is/was w/e. I missed it >.< that shouldn’t be possible.