10 Points if You Can Guess What Happened

October 21, 2008

I got rejected….again

But really who’s surprised? It’s not like I really thought it was gonna work. Only I did. Or at least I wanted it too. Way more than I thought I did. Somehow, knowing something isn’t gonna happen hurts so much more than just assuming it won’t.

I’m just in some kind of emotional rut right now. More like a goddamn trench. I mean what the fuck is going on here? I just feel like crying. Why??? Why do I wanna cry? Why do I feel neglected.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE MY BIRTHDAY?!

I mean come on, it’s not like I asked for this. I just wanted somebody I could hug and kiss. And talk to a little bit. Was that too much? *yes* It’s just that every time I find someone that actually interests me, it can’t work. It’s like a fucking law. I don’t want to wait 3 years for another perfect guy. I just want somebody who isn’t gonna hurt me. Who’s here, now…and yet I read that and I realize even that’s too much to ask.

I mean…when you talk to people, and the only reason they have for not wanting to to you is “I don’t want a girlfriend right now.” I mean, that’s just like the nice verzion of “I don’t wanna date you.” Right? Because I’m sorry, but there aren’t many teenages who don’t want a date. Hormones are pretty killer.

Only then there’s the possiblilty he really means it. In which case…if he ever changes his mind…will he even think of me? God I hope so. But who am I kidding? Why can’t I just be more open minded about who I’m gonna date? Why do I just fall head over heels for people I’m never gonna get? Ok, so I got over Michael…mostly. And Jordan, and Chase, and so many other guys. But why the fuck can’t I just pick a guy that likes me? A sure shot. God I hate myself. I hate that I eat so much. I hate that guys don’t like me. Or at least that the ones I like don’t like me. I hate that I’m bold enough to actually ask so I constantly get rejected. I hate that I get rejected so much that I’m fucking used to it by now. I hate that I’m not underweight anymore. I hate that I keep getting injured. I hate that I get picked on. I hate that I can’t concentrate. I hate that guys matter so much to me. I hate that I don’t know how to make this better. I hate that I’m tired. I hate that I’m a caffine addict, and that I get migrains. I hate that I get so upset so damn easily.

What’s happening to me?

I’m falling apart. I hardly even care anymore. It hurts, but it’s almost like I’m numb. So why do I feel like crying? Why doesn’t this make any sense? God I need a drink. I need to study. I need to sleep. I’ll feel better in the morning probably. *sigh*

Why

Well….I killed my own train of thought. Thank god. I might finished/continue this later. I dunno.

I don’t feel any better I don’t think. But I’m less frustrated, and just kinda depressed now….is that an improvement?

I’ll get over it. But for now, it sucks.

-Jess

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2 Responses to “10 Points if You Can Guess What Happened”

  1. wyatt said

    happy birthday, and what kind of drink may i ask?

  2. Rum, brandy, tripple sec. Hell if I care. anything hard with a decent fire to it.

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