Every Day

December 14, 2008

I feel more and more like I’m losing(or have already lost)everyone who ever cared about me.

It’s painful, and it’s unfair. And somehow, I feel like it’s all my fault. Not like I’d be surprised or anything but…I don’t know.

Everything just feels even worse than it already did because it’s the holidays. I mean, I’m alone. Yeah, right now. But, in life. Who do I turn to when I’m lonely? My journal. Why? Because the only people I care about either, won’t talk to me, aren’t there when I need them, or just make my problems worse by trying to help….at least I think they’re trying to help. I can live without a boyfriend, really. But, the reason I really want one, isn’t because I want someone in that way in my, it’s because Wyatt was by best friend. In every way. I could always talk to him. Ok, yeah, I still can, and he still helps, he’s still nice to me. But…it’s not the same. It’s defferent. And it’s obvious, and, of course, like everything else in the universe, it hurts. It’s not his fault though. I’m not his problem anymore. But…if not his…than who’s? Well obviously, I’m my own problem. So what happens when I need help?

God I’m so frustrated right now! I just want to scream and cry and throw a goddamn fit. It’s just, just, just EVERYTHING. I mean, if there was anyone to talk to I’d explain it to them. But nooo I’m all alone so I just have to talk to myself and hope it all works out ok.

I wrote 3 essays in the past 2 days, I’m a little burned out. That was more than 10 pages. And none of it was easy. *sigh* I’m just complaining, if you don;t want to read about how life sucks, please click “next blog” now, for more pain, keep reading.

I have to bake a cake for German class, and I wrote down a list of all the ingredients, so I could make it today, since I don;t have time during the week. My mom 1-got the wrong stuff and 2-says she wants me to make it the day b4….too bad it takes 2 days to make the cake. That’ll go over real well right?

I don;t understand my math homework, my grade in that class is slowly slipping, but try as hard as I can, and it’s just not helping. My parents are pissed, and I just feel defeated. I’m trying. Really. I wouldn’t spend an hour a night on math if I wasn’t trying.

Since it’s the holidays, my parents are fighting constantly. And since I’m so lonely I’ve been trying to actualy include them in my life. Like, you know, have actualy conversations with them. And you know what sucks? What really sucks about my life? Every time I try and have a goddamn conversation with my parents, they either start telling me how I need to go do my homework, or bring up my grades. Or they turn on the tv and tell me to shush. And then when I’m sitting in my room reading, or god forbid doing the homework they told me to, they yell at me to come have some family time. Talk to them, be more social. I mean I’m such a reculse right? Somebody help me. Somebody save me. I’m falling farther and farther. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m worried I’m going backwards. I think I hit the bottom and decided I’d rather dig myself deeper than wait for someone to dig me out, since obviously no one’s coming. I mean it’s only been 3 weeks since I’ve been able to talk to Kevin. That’s definately not too long. No reason to be upset about that right? Nothing wrong here. Nope everything is fucking perfect.

I wish my parents cared more. Then spend so much time worrying about my sister. They spend so much time talking to her, they do everything with her. They always compare me to her. Even in areas where I’m better than she ever was. And still it’s never good enough. What do they want from me? They tell me to be more abitious, they tell me to have more a life, they tell me there’s all these things they want from me. And so I go and try anhd do something and they tell me I’m already doing too much stuff. I can’t possibly fit anything else in my schedule. God forbid I actually did something they suggested I do for once.

Why does it feel so pathetic that I used to write this to the people I knew cared about me, and read this. And yet now, I feel so certain that the people I care about, don;t care about me. The only people who read this anymore don;t know me. They wouldn’t notice, or much less care if there was never another entry here because I’d died. It’s not like they’d know. Where did all of my friends go? did I reall have friends? Or was it all an illusion? So many things seem to be fake these days. Kevin was fake. He was so convincing too. Oh it hurt so bad. It still does truth be told. More now that I actually think about it. I can’t bottle this up inside forever. Something’s going to happen sooner or later. I worry more and more that the former is more likely than the latter. Oh, right. But you don’t care. Because nobody fucking cares about me anymore. I mean, if anybody really cared I’d be talking to them don;t you think? It’s not like I like talking to myself. But it’s also not like I’ve got any other option. Why talk at all then? Well because if I don;t I’ll do something stupid. Like….I don;t know. Cut. Jump off a bridge. Run away. I like the idea of running away. Less lethal. Lasts longer. Has more possible outcomes. But…if I run away then there’s never going to be any chance for any of this to get any better. And I want desperately for everything to be better. Oh, if Kevin would talk to me again. If all the conversations I had with Wyatt didn’t feel so forced, and awkward, and like he didn’t really even want to talk to me. If Alex ever answered her phone or returned her calls. If David would quit bringing up topics that hurt, or pissed me off, or were sex/relationship/anything I really don’t wanna talk about right now related. If Katie had more time, or showed up on my doorstep more often. If the people I reached out to at school would quit pushing me to the point where I quit trying to reach out and find a friend. Find someone. Find anyone.

All these ifs.

None of these things are going to happen.

They just…

are.

Too bad for me right?

OH god I have a headache again. And I’ve got a fever. And school tomorrow. Gotta turn in all those essays you know. Gotta go to school so I can get As so I can go to college so I can get a job that pays well so that…..so that I can get friends. A husband. Basically so I can upgrade my life. Too bad I’m pretty sure you have to have a life before you can upgrade it. I need to take some deep breaths. I need to make sure this doesn;t push me past hyperventalating to crying. I need to get a hold of myself.

I thought the whole Kevin shunning me was karma, for shunning Wyatt when we broke up. Now maybe it is. But…this has gone on so much longer than any fight, or anything I’ve ever had with anyone before. What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m not fucking perfect angel. But this is too much. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been a good girl about it, I haven;t gushed non-stop to anyone. Regardless of what people say I haven’t talked about Kev half as much as I want to. I haven’t really made this some huge problem everyone else has to deal with. And I kept my promise. I haven’t said a word to Kevin. Not a “hi” or a “pounce” or anything. And it’s fucking been 3 weeks. And you know what. On the 24th, if he still isn’t talking to me, I’m talking to him. Why? Well, think about it. At that point I’ll have known him almost 2 months, and have not talked to him in a month. Over half the time I’ve known him. Isn’t that enough? IF it’s not, I don;t think anything is. And god I’m going insane. Why can;t anyone see this? I’m drowing. Why won;t anyone save me? Why am I all alone in the dark? I don;t like the dark. And I hate being all oh so much. Oh please, oh god somebody please save me. I don;t know what I’m going to do if this goes on much longer.

It’s like I’m praying to the computer god or something. Oh great internet please send me somebody to save my sorry ass. Oh yeah, that’ll work great.

I don’t think I can keep typing. But I don;t think I can stop either. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes any sense. Besides waiting to talk to Kevin, I have no other direction in my life. Isn’t that a little sad? And what then? After I talk to him, and he either allows me or rejects me…what the fuck next? Well the holidays….alone. While my sister has John. My mom has my dad. Wyatt has Erica. Katie has Armin. Wes has Allison. Nick has Ashley. Oh the list just fucking goes on and on and on.

Somebody, anybody. I don;t think I even care if you can help anymore. Just…please. Keep me company. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I’m so scared I’ll never have anyone. And I’m so cold. I don’t know what to do. Or where to run anymore. Please…

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This is mostly…

December 11, 2008

Not even mostly really, but this is probably as close as I can get to how I feel about Kev. Maybe if I snag a few more songs I’ll have something more accurate; but for now, this is as close to home as we get.

Deb Talan-Tenderness

We did not ask how things were defined
Some pieces were missing but the puzzle looked fine
One day we look up from inside a song
Something felt more right
Something was wrong

Shouldn’t we regret love like this?
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

Months go by you with your wife
It takes time to disassemble a whole life
And I can’t ask you for anything, I take what I get
Aren’t other people and saints more than I deserve?
Or maybe it’s true I don’t deserve you

Should I regret a love like this?
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

It the end of an era so unexpected
Clear as the line on the palm of your hand
You and I we started to stumbling
Into the next dance we didn’t plan this
Death of our friends in the sand

We can’t regret a love like this
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

Writing

December 10, 2008

Writing is the only balm I have for my pain. But even that isn’t enough.

Over and Over-3 Days Grace

I feel it everyday it’s all the same
It brings me down but I’m the one to blame
I’ve tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try

So many thoughts that I can’t get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what’s best for me
But I want you instead
I’ll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try to

I’ve been writing as much as I can. I’m supposed to be writing an essay right now…but, I needed to type here first. WordPress has always been an amazing stress reliever for me. Lately I haven’t had the time. So now my hands are on the verge of being calloused from all the writing I’ve been doing. Gross right?

Both in my journal and, I’m writing a new book. Only I think this one is actually gonna get somewhere. If you ask I’ll show you, I don;t mind. It’s kind of pathetic, but great for wasting time. Anyways, I’ve wasted too much as it is. Perhaps I’ll have more time later, probably I’ll be writing about fictional stuff though, it’s much less painful than facing reality.

-Jess

If I Ain’t Got You

December 8, 2008

-Alicia Keys-

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what’s within
And I’ve been there before
But that life’s a bore
So full of the superficial

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that’s the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

[Outro:]
If I ain’t got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don’t mean a thing
If I ain’t got you with me baby