Every Day

December 14, 2008

I feel more and more like I’m losing(or have already lost)everyone who ever cared about me.

It’s painful, and it’s unfair. And somehow, I feel like it’s all my fault. Not like I’d be surprised or anything but…I don’t know.

Everything just feels even worse than it already did because it’s the holidays. I mean, I’m alone. Yeah, right now. But, in life. Who do I turn to when I’m lonely? My journal. Why? Because the only people I care about either, won’t talk to me, aren’t there when I need them, or just make my problems worse by trying to help….at least I think they’re trying to help. I can live without a boyfriend, really. But, the reason I really want one, isn’t because I want someone in that way in my, it’s because Wyatt was by best friend. In every way. I could always talk to him. Ok, yeah, I still can, and he still helps, he’s still nice to me. But…it’s not the same. It’s defferent. And it’s obvious, and, of course, like everything else in the universe, it hurts. It’s not his fault though. I’m not his problem anymore. But…if not his…than who’s? Well obviously, I’m my own problem. So what happens when I need help?

God I’m so frustrated right now! I just want to scream and cry and throw a goddamn fit. It’s just, just, just EVERYTHING. I mean, if there was anyone to talk to I’d explain it to them. But nooo I’m all alone so I just have to talk to myself and hope it all works out ok.

I wrote 3 essays in the past 2 days, I’m a little burned out. That was more than 10 pages. And none of it was easy. *sigh* I’m just complaining, if you don;t want to read about how life sucks, please click “next blog” now, for more pain, keep reading.

I have to bake a cake for German class, and I wrote down a list of all the ingredients, so I could make it today, since I don;t have time during the week. My mom 1-got the wrong stuff and 2-says she wants me to make it the day b4….too bad it takes 2 days to make the cake. That’ll go over real well right?

I don;t understand my math homework, my grade in that class is slowly slipping, but try as hard as I can, and it’s just not helping. My parents are pissed, and I just feel defeated. I’m trying. Really. I wouldn’t spend an hour a night on math if I wasn’t trying.

Since it’s the holidays, my parents are fighting constantly. And since I’m so lonely I’ve been trying to actualy include them in my life. Like, you know, have actualy conversations with them. And you know what sucks? What really sucks about my life? Every time I try and have a goddamn conversation with my parents, they either start telling me how I need to go do my homework, or bring up my grades. Or they turn on the tv and tell me to shush. And then when I’m sitting in my room reading, or god forbid doing the homework they told me to, they yell at me to come have some family time. Talk to them, be more social. I mean I’m such a reculse right? Somebody help me. Somebody save me. I’m falling farther and farther. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m worried I’m going backwards. I think I hit the bottom and decided I’d rather dig myself deeper than wait for someone to dig me out, since obviously no one’s coming. I mean it’s only been 3 weeks since I’ve been able to talk to Kevin. That’s definately not too long. No reason to be upset about that right? Nothing wrong here. Nope everything is fucking perfect.

I wish my parents cared more. Then spend so much time worrying about my sister. They spend so much time talking to her, they do everything with her. They always compare me to her. Even in areas where I’m better than she ever was. And still it’s never good enough. What do they want from me? They tell me to be more abitious, they tell me to have more a life, they tell me there’s all these things they want from me. And so I go and try anhd do something and they tell me I’m already doing too much stuff. I can’t possibly fit anything else in my schedule. God forbid I actually did something they suggested I do for once.

Why does it feel so pathetic that I used to write this to the people I knew cared about me, and read this. And yet now, I feel so certain that the people I care about, don;t care about me. The only people who read this anymore don;t know me. They wouldn’t notice, or much less care if there was never another entry here because I’d died. It’s not like they’d know. Where did all of my friends go? did I reall have friends? Or was it all an illusion? So many things seem to be fake these days. Kevin was fake. He was so convincing too. Oh it hurt so bad. It still does truth be told. More now that I actually think about it. I can’t bottle this up inside forever. Something’s going to happen sooner or later. I worry more and more that the former is more likely than the latter. Oh, right. But you don’t care. Because nobody fucking cares about me anymore. I mean, if anybody really cared I’d be talking to them don;t you think? It’s not like I like talking to myself. But it’s also not like I’ve got any other option. Why talk at all then? Well because if I don;t I’ll do something stupid. Like….I don;t know. Cut. Jump off a bridge. Run away. I like the idea of running away. Less lethal. Lasts longer. Has more possible outcomes. But…if I run away then there’s never going to be any chance for any of this to get any better. And I want desperately for everything to be better. Oh, if Kevin would talk to me again. If all the conversations I had with Wyatt didn’t feel so forced, and awkward, and like he didn’t really even want to talk to me. If Alex ever answered her phone or returned her calls. If David would quit bringing up topics that hurt, or pissed me off, or were sex/relationship/anything I really don’t wanna talk about right now related. If Katie had more time, or showed up on my doorstep more often. If the people I reached out to at school would quit pushing me to the point where I quit trying to reach out and find a friend. Find someone. Find anyone.

All these ifs.

None of these things are going to happen.

They just…

are.

Too bad for me right?

OH god I have a headache again. And I’ve got a fever. And school tomorrow. Gotta turn in all those essays you know. Gotta go to school so I can get As so I can go to college so I can get a job that pays well so that…..so that I can get friends. A husband. Basically so I can upgrade my life. Too bad I’m pretty sure you have to have a life before you can upgrade it. I need to take some deep breaths. I need to make sure this doesn;t push me past hyperventalating to crying. I need to get a hold of myself.

I thought the whole Kevin shunning me was karma, for shunning Wyatt when we broke up. Now maybe it is. But…this has gone on so much longer than any fight, or anything I’ve ever had with anyone before. What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m not fucking perfect angel. But this is too much. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been a good girl about it, I haven;t gushed non-stop to anyone. Regardless of what people say I haven’t talked about Kev half as much as I want to. I haven’t really made this some huge problem everyone else has to deal with. And I kept my promise. I haven’t said a word to Kevin. Not a “hi” or a “pounce” or anything. And it’s fucking been 3 weeks. And you know what. On the 24th, if he still isn’t talking to me, I’m talking to him. Why? Well, think about it. At that point I’ll have known him almost 2 months, and have not talked to him in a month. Over half the time I’ve known him. Isn’t that enough? IF it’s not, I don;t think anything is. And god I’m going insane. Why can;t anyone see this? I’m drowing. Why won;t anyone save me? Why am I all alone in the dark? I don;t like the dark. And I hate being all oh so much. Oh please, oh god somebody please save me. I don;t know what I’m going to do if this goes on much longer.

It’s like I’m praying to the computer god or something. Oh great internet please send me somebody to save my sorry ass. Oh yeah, that’ll work great.

I don’t think I can keep typing. But I don;t think I can stop either. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes any sense. Besides waiting to talk to Kevin, I have no other direction in my life. Isn’t that a little sad? And what then? After I talk to him, and he either allows me or rejects me…what the fuck next? Well the holidays….alone. While my sister has John. My mom has my dad. Wyatt has Erica. Katie has Armin. Wes has Allison. Nick has Ashley. Oh the list just fucking goes on and on and on.

Somebody, anybody. I don;t think I even care if you can help anymore. Just…please. Keep me company. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I’m so scared I’ll never have anyone. And I’m so cold. I don’t know what to do. Or where to run anymore. Please…

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2 Responses to “Every Day”

  1. crazyguy1292 said

    hey, I’m still here eh? maybe not as often as i’d like, but it’s not like i disappeared into the abyss. if u ever need / want to talk / rant (and it sounds like you do) just tell me, aim, phone, w/e, (aim is more reliable), I’m here for you mk?

  2. Anonymous said

    that was kinda harsh. people do still care, and wanting someones help means telling them when they’re not helping and telling them how they can fix it.

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