What a wonderful mess

January 12, 2009

Long time no see. I don’t even really know where to start.

Well, for one I just read Wyatt’s blogĀ  for the first time since, well I don’t even know since when. It sounds like he’s not doing too good. Not too good at all. I wish I could help but…I don’t know how, and at this point I feel like trying to help, even with good intentions, would probably just make things worse. As much as I hate to admit it, the best thing I can do for him is leave him alone unless he asks for my help. On the off chance that happens, I’ll do everything I can…as it is, I just hope that somehow, things turn out ok.

On a different, much more selfish note; Kevin. I saw him on Friday. It was, I guess funny is the only way to describe what that was like. We acted kind of like we did when we first met. Speaking more through Katie than to each other. Both of us kind of shy. Neither one of us mentioned anything that had previously happened between us, including our ongoing silence. And as much as I just wanted to throw myself on him and cover him with hugs and kisses, I was just so happy to be able to talk to him. It was like, I dunno, a small sip of water when you’re stuck in a desert. Not enough, and horribly teasing, but you’re still greatful for what you got. If that makes any sense. I got that analogy from Ironside, although not word for word.

So between then and now several things have gone through my head. At first I decied that the best course of action would be to present Kevin with a choice, more of a dilemma really: Either he can honestly tell me he doesn’t want me-in which case I prolly go be pathetic and cry, but eventually get over myself; or he does want me-in which case we figure out what the hell is going on between us, and try to make it work. Realistically? I bet on him not knowing. The next day, after readingabout 300 pages of romance novels, I decided my best option was to basically ask him out….waay too bold, and waay stupid. Katie comfirmed that. First option made more sense. So of course after calling him, and him not answering, and me being too unsure of myself to leave a message just yet, I sat and thought things over. For one, I don’t really need him to be my boyfriend. As much as I want his love and continued caresses, they aren’t what I miss most about him. Not to be totally blunt but, it’s not too hard to find a guy that’s willing to commit physically to me. Well, maybe not commit, but you get the point. Don’t get me wrong I’m not that kind of girl, but if I really wanted that…well it could be done. What I really miss about Kevin is waking up and calling him at 6 in the morning. Having his voice be the first I hear, if only for 5 minutes. Having pointless endless philosophical discussions that never ended and never turned into fights. Talking about school, and listening to him, and sports, and exercise. And knowing we agreed, and that we both cared. Just, talking. And it was ok if we didn;t have anything to talk about. It wasn’t like we tried to fill the silence, but the silence wasn’t painful either. But never did we sit in silence, because we weren’t talking just to waste time, we were talking because we enjoyed it. We enjoyed each other. I miss the friend part of the idea of him being my boyfriend. Even though he was never mine. Furthermore, today I realized something else. If it meant I could talk to him, I would be willing to let him remain undecided on the matter of what the hell is going on between us. If he wanted, I’d even not mention it. Not even mention us kissing or anything like that. Now of course he couldn’t be off the hook that easy, I’d still be in love with him, at least for a while. And if he ever figured his own feelings out, it would still mean the world to me if he’d tell me what was going on. But…Kevin means more to me than physical affection.

So I’m not going to even try and call him again until this weekend. Partially because at this rate I’ll have an entirely different perspective by then. Partially because I have no desire to seem any more clingy than I already am. Partially due to finals, and my need to study. And also because it’s entirely likely I’ll lose my nerve, and perhaps, it’s better not to call him just yet. If he doesn’t want to talk to me yet, I should quit trying to force myself on him. If I do call him, I’ll leave a message then, and that will be that until I see him at New Jack. Which it looks like he might seriously go to. But that has some weird potential what with my parents going and all.

Again, on another note, David isn’t talking to me. I’m like 95% sure that’s my fault, the other 5% is because I know some of it isn’t. Although in all honesty I don’t know how much. I’m also pretty sure I was little harsher than I should’ve been the last time we talked and…well. That was a mistake, part of it was that in a kind of mean way I wanted to get back at him a little, show him that words can hurt even if the intention behind them isn’t mean. Mostly though, I was trying to make a point, one that I feel I’ve handled perhaps too gently in the past, because I didn’t want to hurt him. But…regaurdless of my reasons, and how I present them, I mean what I say. Perhaps not always, but in this case it’s so. I’m sorry. Probably, this won’t make a ton of sense to anyone but me. Oh well. In addition to that, while I am sincierely sorry for my being a scardey-cat, there’s is nothing that you can do to change that. And unfortunately, I don’t have any particular desire to change it myself. Better safe than sorry, and I’ve been sorry to many times for my liking.

I finally have a manner of friends. I see Katie regularly, I’m hoping Kevin and I can fix our broken relationship. The people I sit with at lunch didn’t reject me after I chopped my hair off. To the contrary, they like it. Additionally, Michael no longer gets so much as a second glance from me, although things are not as good as I wish if I feel the need to mention that. Wes has a girlfriend whom he seems to be utterly smitten with. Grats to him. Rock climbing and oceanography are going good. So as much as life sucks, it could be worse. I suppose there’s something to say for that. But perhaps, my eyes have simply adjusted to the dark.

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