Married and Confused

May 29, 2015

So I’ve been or less happily married for almost 4 years now. I got married at 19, and people have always asked me, did I jump in too soon, what if I change my mind, am I happy etc etc etc. And I’ve always been absolutely positive that I did the right thing. But suddenly, I’m not sure anymore. And it scares the bloody hell out of me. I’m trying to sort through my emotions and figure out why, what’s changed, is it just a rough patch, or a mood swing, or have I fallen out of love. I’m afraid that the fact I’m even thinking that could be a sign of the end and I’m terrified. But am I terrified because I do love him, or just because I always thought I’d marry one man and stay with him “til death do us part”?

In the last year due to some issues with my paperwork to become Canadian I’m no longer able to work, soo Mitch has become the sole provider for us, and that puts a lot of stress on him. He’s almost permanently in a bad mood over one thing or another. I feel very strongly that that’s probably my fault, but that doesn’t make it any easier on me. Now that I’m home all the time there’s been some friction over all the things I should be doing (mostly chores) that I’ve said I’d do, but I’m a horrible procrastinator, and forgetful to boot. He likes to buy things and be extravagant, but having to cut back is visibly taking it’s toll on him, and he still splurges sometimes anyways, which both upsets and worries me. He makes all the money, so it’s hard to tell him no. But we need to move soon and I’m worried about the damage deposit. If we can’t come up with it we’ll likely stay where we are, but I’m worried that rent is too high for him to have the extra cash he so clearly needs.

But it’s not just that, he’s been feeling a little cheated in our marriage. I was a 115 pound 18 year old when I moved up here. But Canadian medical rules are different, and they made me change my medications, in short order I ballooned over 200 pounds and I’ve been trying to lose it ever since. I’ve had a little success lately since we’ve gotten a family doctor and I got referred to a specialist…but I’m still up there. Part of the problem is I’m more comfortable with my body now than I ever was before. Even if it isn’t quite healthy. But he’s clearly not as attracted to me as he was and doesn’t want to admit it. Which is an issue because physically, I was never overly into him either, I love HIM not so much his physical make up, and it’s his body type not his size, so he can’t even fix that. To compound things, I’m not as adventurous as he is, no matter the new things I try I feel like it’s not enough.

I haven’t got many friends because he can be very jealous, but I make better friends with men, and it seems easier to just stay away. Lately he’s been become more and more aware of how being alone is affecting me, but I find it hard to go back out into the world after having a avoided it for so long. Getting back into even an MMO after taking a break is hard. I find more and more that I sit and contemplate life. Where it’s taken me and where I will go from here.

But I don’t want to sounds like it’s all bad and no good, I mean I kind of feel that way right now, but for years I’ve been very happy. He buys me roses on Valentines day, he takes me to dinner, he buys my gifts when we go places. We enjoy playing all sorts of board games and video games together. We’ve always been very much in love, we’ve been talking about buying a house when I become Canadian…

When we got together neither one of us was ready for a kid, but now he is and I’m not. He’s not pushing the issue, but I know he feels like time is ticking, he’s 8 years older than me. Maybe that’s where the issue stems from, I’m not sure I’d want him to be the father of my children. He was raised in a very rough home, and it’s made him a very rough man (never physical with me) but for example, he thinks that when an animal breaks the house rules, like the cat getting on the kitchen counter it should be shown what it’s done wrong and be given a smack on the rump. It breaks my heart every time, I feel that is so wrong but he won’t be persuaded, he’s never caused any lasting harm to any animal, but it worries me. And I wonder at how he would raise a child. When the animals behave, he’s very kind and loving to them…

But not all the blame can go on him. I can’t stop thinking about my ex. Which is just ridiculous, we broke up I think 3 years before I got together with my current husband. I broke it off with him because we were going to different high schools, and couldn’t drive yet, and I was afraid that since I was only seeing him once a month I might stray and it was driving me mad. I thought it would be better for both of us if I broke up with him before I had the chance to cheat on him. I’ve regretted it ever since. We still talk, we stayed friends after that. For the first part of my marriage, I talked to him every 3 months or so, but didn’t think about him obsessively or anything. But for the last year or so I feel like I can’t go a day without him on my mind, and everytime I think of him it feels wrong, I feel guilty. He only had one girlfriend after me, she looked like me, and was in fact a LOT like me, but she broke up with him when she went to college maybe only a year later. He hasn’t had another girlfriend since. I wish he had, I almost wish he didn’t want to talk to me, I have this longing for him I shouldn’t. I try to tell myself I’m just nostalgic for my first boyfriend, that he can’t be the same guy anymore. I try to tell myself the memories must be better than the reality, that he couldn’t possibly ever want me back after the way I broke his heart. But nothing seems to work. And to make matter worse when my husband and I got married he put in this horrid little addendum, which I hated at the time, that we get one “freebie” he said we should both pick one person who if we ever got the chance to sleep with it would be ok (he used him sleeping with Angelina Jolie as an example) He picked some girl who lives in London, and I picked my ex. And lately it’s all I can think about. I am so ashamed of myself.

I know what the logical outcomes are, I suck it up and stay and make it work, I leave him and try my luck with my ex, I do the wrongest of wrongs and try to have both, or some variation on the above…Right now I think I am being fickle and I need to suck it up and get over myself. But it troubles me deeply that I still think about my ex after all this time, that I in fact think of him more and more as time goes on instead of less as I had hoped and expected. The path I see myself taking is not a good one, I will be back in the states next year for my sisters wedding, and I fear if I see my ex I will stay, and that will be the abrupt end of it. But I don’t fear for me, on so many levels that excites me, but what terrifies me is what that will do to my husband. He’s given me so much, and been so good to me, he does not deserve to be cast aside so rudely! But he does not deserve to be trapped in an unloving marriage if that’s what this becomes. All I see for him is pain and it will be my fault. Why can I not bring him joy, why can I not forget my past and enjoy what I have? Why am I such a bitch! If I prayed I would pray for the strength to get past this.