Fights

December 2, 2007

I’ve been fighting a whole lot. I’ve been fighting with my best friend. So I don’t really have anyone talk to about it. Makes it suck more than usual. That and I can’t seem to fix the problem, or stop the fights. It’s the first time I’ve really fought with a friend. I’ve had little one or two day things that kinda bugged me. But this is bad. I’ve been crying over fighting with Wyatt. And not just once. It seems like once I get started I just can’t stop. And it’s not cool at all.

So far as I can tell, it’s not that he’s jealous of Blake*yes that was my first thought* but that it’s really getting on his nerves that I talk about Blake, and how I didn’t get any kisses, or I didn’t enough hugs, or whatever every day. Mostly since he doesn’t have it. And I can see how that can be annoying. Having someone constatly talk to you about something that you can’t have. It’s just…it’s kind of a habit. And I’m having trouble stopping. So we keep fighting, and I keep crying.

He doesn’t think the fights are that bad…so I guess that’s good, it’s pretty fixable from his point of view I think. But these fights are killing me. I’m not getting sleep, I’m having problems eating, I can’t focus in class. No, it’s not as bad as it sounds, and yeah, that’s a li’l exaggerated. But it’s still real. And it still hurts. Mostly my heart. I remember how we used to be, what it used to be like. And it hurts.

And then there’s Blake. He’s not supposed to date until he’s 16. But he can have a girlfriend. I don’t understand how this works. And Wyatt, you can just skip all this.  I don’t know if I’ll wait for him. But I also know I haven’t dumped him since I found out either. I really don’t know where this is going with me and Blake. I also really wanna go back to Wyatt, so bad. But I’m not gonna leave Blake for Wyatt. In a couple of months…assuming this last that long, I might be in just as deep with Blake as I was with Wyatt. Maybe not in all respects,especially if I never get to see him outside of school, but emotionally anyways. That could be bad. Or it could be good. Right now all it is is a little scary, but I’m gonna just see where it all goes. Mostly becuase I’m too damn stubborn to run again.

You know, maybe I do know why these fights hurt me more than anything else. I loved Wyatt more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He knew me better than I knew myself, and he made me happier than I’d ever been before. So now, he has the power to hurt me more than anyone else can. And he doesn’t even have to try. Because he’s already past any kind of defense I have against pain. I care about him, I love him, it’d hurt more to have him tell me he was dissapointed in me than to be beat up by some punk on the streets. He is my worst weakness. I have no protection from him, because I never thought I’d need any.

-Jessica lynn

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ARCADIA!!!!

November 18, 2007

is over…and we didn win. Big surprise…But we DID sweep music! Go us! So at least we can rub THAT in RB’s face, lol jk.

And omg, the bus ride up? AWESOME!! Lol, and I did get some sleep too. But I mean for reals, Blake is a damn good pillow. He no fidget. lolz. But he shoulda let me keep his sweatshirt :/ I was soooo cold. I actually got to the point where my teeth were chattering before I got on the bus T_T *sniffles* but is ok. I forgive. But seriously, next chance I get, is mine. lolz. Mah granparents are here. So I can’t really talk too much, but you will detials, promise! But later. Maybe much later. ok?

Byes!

-Jessica lynn

Oh my god…

November 11, 2007

Either I’m way too damn lonely, or desperate of fucked up. Prolly the last one.

Remember how the other week I ended up sleeping on this one guy,  Blake? Kinda cute, kinda tall, really blue-eyed…you get the picture, and prolly where I’m going with this too.

Well yeah, so yesterday, Vista tourny, busses. Guess who asked (and had) as a pillow. (Blake, for those of you who have no guessing skills) And, as I said at the beginning, there’s clearly something wrong with me. Because what I did/the way I acted is not something you do with someone you don’t really know! Yeah, I know that sounds a little wrong, it wasn’t supposed to.

Anyways, so he was my cuddle buddy, I didn’t really get much sleep at all. It actually reminded me of the bus ride to Disneyland last year (8th grade) I planned to sleep on a guy on the way up. I end up jus bein half asleep and mostly cuddling. Typical. And kind of sluttly. At least this isn’y common for me. Just Wyatt, Blake, and Tyler. Actually, I didn’t cuddle with Ty at all….and I actually slept like the whole way. So maybe that dun count? So just Wyatt and Blake. But yeah, this time was different. He didn’t have his arms around me, which I was actually kinda hoping for. But that didn work so great.

Anyways, so what actually happened is I, like always, couldn’t just be happy with just being next to him. So, I slipped my arm inbetween his arm and his side….god I used to do that soo much…and I kinda like hugged his arm….it’s not as awkward as it sounds I swear. He was warm, and didn mind my cuddling….I think. We listened to my music. Not that that has anything to do with anything. So what happened then is I wanted to hold his hand….and I was just like dude. NO. Don’t do it. Down girl….down. You know? But of course I can only listen to my concious for so long. So I chanced whatever I may or may not have (or am quite possibly imagining) with Blake and just took his hand. I mean come on, hand holding isn’t some huge thing….it just kinda feels that way sometimes… >_< And yeah…so I did the whole thing with the cuddling and holding one of his hands in both on mine, with my head on his shoulder and his head on mine. Both of us kinda pertending to be asleep, but not. And that’s about where the bus ride there got me.

Then we had the tourny, took like third or whatever etc. etc. etc.

Bus ride home. I just decided the hell with the pretenses, I’m pickin up right where I left off. So I just curled up right next to Blake, slipped my arm around his and took his hand. Oh, and I was wearing his sweatshirt. Nice and fuzzy and warm. And it smelled like him. But yeah, so then I put the hand that wasn’t holding his hand, on his other hand (I swear it makes sense) which was on his thigh. And somehow, (I really don;t know, it was like 11 at night, I am not responsible) my hand ended up on his thigh with his hand ontop of mine by the end of the bus ride. However, I am responsible for kissing him on the cheek. It just felt right. I dunno. Maybe that was going too far. Too much for one night I think. And I haven’t been able to get ahold of him. So I don’t know if he thinks I went to far. Or what he thinks about any of this. Or what I think about his for that matter. But hell, I do know that this is a fine mess I’ve gotten myself into.

So….now I’m going to try and call Blake one last time, before I go back to bed.

Tomorrow is day one of soccer tryouts. I also have a band rehersal.

Night you guys.

-Jessica lynn

After Mira Mesa Tourny

November 4, 2007

Before you even ask, we didn win, or even get second. We gots third. And I got forgotten by my secret pal. But oh well. Whatcha gonna do?

I’m goin pretty psycho right now. But I guess it’s time to type about it because it didn go away overnight like it usually does…it got worse. 0.0 Somehow, I think that’s a bad thing….

So yeah, yesterday I knew that Westview would be there, and I knew that one way or another I was gonna find Wyatt or Michael *preferably both*  But how it happened was just so weird. *sigh*

I’d been thinking about how I was gonna find them, if I was really gonna find them, etc. etc, etc. When RB finished their show, and it was time for MC to go and put our street clothes back on. I stood up, turned, and there he was. Sitting behind me wearing an MC jacket. I thought I was hallucenating at first I swear. It was just too easy. That and I was in shcok. All I said was hi. And then I was gone. I changed and got back to the field faster than some people got off the field.

I got back, and I sat with him. But really, all I did was sit there and listen to him and this girl Nikki talk. (she’s the one who’s jacket he was wearing) So really all I got to do was see him, and hug him like twice. Go me. It sucks. I can’t find a good enough reason not to like him to actually quit liking him. But I can’t really do anything about liking him. God, I just wanna let it go but I can’t!!!!

Problem number one-he goes to Westview, if I ever got anywhere with him I’d almost never see him.

Problem number two-I’ve only seen him twice. I hardly know the guy, I know Robert better than I know him!

Problem number three-He likes somebody, who isn’t me.

I really just don’t think he likes me. I mean why would he? It’s not like he knows me or anything. There’s too many complications…if he wasn’t so damn hott it wouldn’t be so hard. I mean it’s not like I’ve met anybody hott before or anything, but it’s just like a combination of well….everything. It’s just wow. Like seriously. I can’t explain and I’m just being pathetic trying. But I can’t think straight or antything. It sucks. I hate it. I love it. Why do I meet people like that!? And why do I have to obsess over them when I do? Why do I always (well not always, but most of the time) end up meeting the wrong people? If I hadn’t met Michael, or if I knew I’d never see him again, or if I hadn’t gotten his number. This would all be so different. And probably easier too. Just thinking about him gives me butterflies in my stomache! I hate this. He shouldn’t have this big of an effect on me. I shouldn’t care so much. And I could go on and on about what I shouldn’t but that’s not gonna help me any. RAWR.

And come on, we can’t forget Wyatt in this mess!

He’s been on my mind too. But not so much actually…I think maybe, sadly, I really am kinda sorta moving on. I mean, yeah, for like the tenth time, he’s still my friend. But he’s made it pretty clear I don’t get another chance with him until next year. And he’s right. We both need to try and meet other people. Because I mean let’s face it, there are other peoplem, and one of them just might be better than him. But how the hell am I gonna know if I never give the guiy a half a chance. That what happened with Wyatt isn’t it? I wouldn’t give him a chance, so I never knew how great he was until we were almost out of time. Maybe das a li’l exaggerated. But you get the point.

And guess what, I didn’t just have Wyatt n Michael in my head but Robert too.  Is problematic yes?

Robert’s actually a lot like Wyatt…he’s tall, he’s funny, he’s kind of a loner, his hair is right at that length where everytime I see him I’ve gotta tell myself not to play with it and end up playing with it anyways. And he’s always trying to tell me that everything’s ok. Why he’s not like Wyatt? He’s got brown hair, brown eyes, he’s Austrailian *awesome much?* he plays clarinet, he’s pretty talkative…well, once you get him talking. And right now the most logical thing to do is the hardest thing to accept, in anyway shape or form. Robert goes to MC, but he’s a sophmore. He can be really sweet, but sometimes he teases me too much. Usually he doesn’t wanna give me hug, but sometimes he gives me one anyways. *If you don’t understan, I’m listing pros and cons of Robert* For some reason people have been trying to tell me that him being a sophmore doesn matter…I don’t know what to think of that. Right now I’m still half in denial about liking him at all.

On Friday-the football game, I was really hoping it’d be more like most of the other football games. Alex n, me giving each other massages, and then at some generally he’d come over and talk, or bug us for a massage or whatever. First problem, Alex wasn’t there. After that, the rest just kinda fell apart. I couldn’t get him to come talk to me. In the end I massaged Audry while I talked to Andy. After the football game, after I had my street clothes on, while I was waiting for my sister to say goodbye to John so I could leave I saw Robert. I asked him for a hug. He said no, just like he does about 50% of the time I ask. (so confusing) I didn’t feel like bugging him cuz I was tired so I let it go. I walked with him to parking lot. Decided if I hadn’t a hug by then, I wasn’t getting one. So I turned and walked back ya know? Dunno why, but he came back. He was on the phone. Stood there for a while, then turned and left again. But he stopped, turned around and told me I could have a hug if I really wanted one. Now don’t get me wrong, I was happy and I hugged him. But why would he do that? And why did it make me so happy? He shouldn’t make me that happy.

Ok. My guts have now been spilled. When I have more I’ll tell you.

-Jessica lynn

Birthday!

October 21, 2007

and the fires….great birthday present don’t you think?

Anyways, last night was Rancho Buena Vista(RBV) Tounry. We were the only 6A, so naturally we swept. But our was REALLY awesome last night, best yet. Wish I could post it here sumhow…but I can’t*shrugs* oh well.

Bus ride up=boring a hell mostly. Bus ride back=slept on Blake….at least I’m about 90% sure his name was Blake. Don’t think I’m a slut, ok? Because I’m not, here’s what happened. I planned on sleeping on the way home…by myself. Aaron was sitting next to Blake, and he wanted to sleep too, just not on Blake. I got tired of his whining and decided I’d switch with him if only to shut him up. And therefore ended up sleeping on Blake….in Robert’s jacket. ^^

If you’re wondering why I had Robert’s jacket….it was cold, he offered. *shrugs* what more is there to say?

God, I feel like I’m some sort of slut or something just mentioning all of these guys here. But…I mean they’re my friends…what am I gonna do, pretend they dun exist? If I’d borrowed Alex’s jacket, or slept on Hannah, it wouldn’t be weird, so why is this? *sigh*

Oh, by the way-something amazing, Robert, is like Michael’s evil twin….only I met Robert first, he’s older and doesn’t have blue eyes…his are brown. But OTHERWISE, they’re like, identical. Maybe. I wouldn’t swear on it, but it IS close.

So yeah, no soccer game today because of the smoke. No new jeans either. I’m gonna go play some games, talk to ya later!

-Jessica lynn

If you ever read this…

October 19, 2007

Hi Micheal(I have no idea if I’m spellin’ your name right) is Jessie(you should know that) and this, is my blog(omg I would’ve never known) and I, am havin’ fun makin’ fun of myself ^.^ Whatever you read on here, dun take it too seriously. An dun be offended….if there’s any reason to be offended, I dunno. And dun think I is too weird…I mean come on, this is like my online journal thingy….it’s mostly entertainment, for myself…and like the 2 people that read it. oh, and the other like quarter of it is like an outlet…for life >_<

IMPORTANT-leave comments!!! Lots and lots of comments!! <-lolz

Ok, so today, I didn’t pass off….sucks yeah? Even though I was there for freaking ever. But I did spend most of my time talking to Robert (Micheal’s evil twin with brown eyes I swear) so I guess it didn’t suck too bad.

And in like 15 mintues I’m going to Vertical Hold for rock climbing with the MC club. Hopefully, someone will climb with me >_< wish me luck!

Ciao

-Jessica lynn

So…

October 16, 2007

Last night, Wyatt gave me Michael’s number….so, logically, today I called him.

The first time I called, he didn’t answer(I didn’t know WestView got out at 3 and not 2:30!!) so I left a message. >_< It was pretty fun I’ll admit, but also pretty darn awkward…so…yeah. Then I had track.

Since I had time before my flute lesson, I called him….again. This time, he answered, he hadn’t listened to his messages yet, but he did remember who I was/am. Whatever. lol. So, I talked to him for like 20 mintues ish. ‘Cause that’s all the time I had. He didn’t find it weird, or stalkerish that I got his number, he guessed that Wyatt was my ex*sniffles* he didn’t find it weird that I’ve had him on my mind for the past two weeks. He likes YellowCard*sweet!* I can’t really think of much else we talked about. I spent a lot of time feeling kinda shocked, happy, and distant. Like I wasn’t really sure this was happening. You know?

Then I had my lesson and now here I am. Planning on calling Michael and/or Wyatt later tonight, but needing to do homework first.

Maybe I’ll give you some more info later yeah?

Oh, and quick rewind. Yesterday, on my way home with my migrain, my mom thought I was just getting an easy out from parade tryouts*which I didn’t make by the way* so she yelled at me most of the way home*yeah that’s right, while I was crying* How’s that for tough luck? Going home to get some peace quiet and sleep, and getting bitched at instead. HA! Sucks….ok, yeah, done now. Later guys.

-Jessica lynn

and I’m not feeling so great either.

I left school crying like a little girl ’cause I had a migrain….pathetic much??? Then I came home and collapsed. I slept until school got out.

And yesterday, I talked to Wyatt you know? And it was all good fun and all…but when I was texting him later…I dunno why, it kinda felt like we were fighting. He wasn’t to happy with me I think. And didn’t know what to do, what to say. I felt like an idiot. And really wish I’d just gone to sleep instead of texting him. Before we started texting I was feeling like he was the greatest guy in the world. The best friend a girl could have. The best friend I could ever want. And I’m questioning if I did something wrong now. I’m so messed up right now that I don’t even know. It’s not cool.

Wyatt said he was gonna get Michael’s number for me, if he could. And really, I never expected to get it from anyone but Michael himself(that is if I ever see him again) so it was a real shocker when Wyatt said that. And it was also really sweet. Most people won’t do anything for me. Even if it is easy. I just wish I could be nice to him somehow. I just don’t know how is all…

I really shouldn’t be typing right now. It hurts my head. But…I just needed to let the world know that Wyatt was the greatest guy in the world at one point in his life,  at least from somebody’s perspective.

Oh, by the way, I bombed parade tryouts. More on that later though.

-Jessica lynn

WestView Tournament

October 7, 2007

was awesome…and incredably sucky at the same time.

It was awesome because….1-I made 0 mistakes in my marching-Go me!!!! 2-we (Mount Carmel) TIED with RB(instead of getting our butts kicked) 3-I got to see Wyatt 4-I got lots of yummy candy from my section leaders.

It sucked because… 1-so far as I could tell Wyatt was NOT too happy to with me, well, as far as I could tell…and yeah, I wasn’t expecting him to be exactly jumping with joy..but it still kinda hurt a li’l 2-my pain killer still isn’t/wasn’t working 3-Alex was being annoying 4-I didn’t really get to talk to Wyatt much…

(about half way through I decided reason 5 got its own paragraph…)-there was this guy, Michale(spelling much?) and I saw him before the tournament, and then again after…and I dunno…it was just kind of weird, like he fun fun to talk to, and then he poked me, and then he hugged me, and then held my hands for a while, and then I got another hug, and then he left….and I mean, I dunno if that’s really a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, he was cute(like REALLY cute) and he was nice….and it’s not like I wasn’t happy to be held ‘n all…but it was just….I guess nobodies ever really been like that. Not even Wyatt…and it was just different, this guy I never met, like actually hugging me, and him being the one that didn’t wanna let go. I mean like I’m never even gonna see the guy again prolly. But…I’ve never felt like that. I always thought that I was the one that wanted to hold the other persons hand, wanted to hug them, and touch them, and not let go…Damn, I wish I knew more about that guy. If he does that to everyone, if he never does that or what. I mean, I dunno what I mean….I couldn’t stop blushing, I couldn’t stop smiling, I couldn’t stop laughing. Why don’t I know anyone like him? He wasn’t like insanely talkative, but there was no silence, he was like REALLY friggin tall, just like everybody else in the universe you know? And I dunno, since I wasn’t like in the mood to be all flirty or anything…it was great talking to him. I was just myself, and since he was so relaxed I felt relaxed, and I didn’t feel tense, or embarassed, I just felt kind of sad that that I was with Michale, and not Wyatt, and that it was this guy I’d never met making me feel this way, and not someone I knew and loved.And I’m going on and on…but…thsi has never happened to me before. If this had happened before I could be more ‘yeah whatever’ about it…but I can’t. Maybe Alex is right, but I am to flighty. But it’s not like I go out looking for guys… this sort of thing just seems to happen when I’m single….But why can’t Michale go to MC? Why can’t I get to know him? Why can’t I figure out why he’s like that? Why nobody else is like that? Who is he?

Ok, yeah, done obsessing…that was too much I think. But it’s been on my mind so much I was going insane.

Keeper-YellowCard

I wanna love, I wanna leave
I Want You To Love Me
I want you To Leave me
I Wanna Stand Where I Can See
I’m Watching you Love Me
I’m Watching You Leavin Me Now
I Wish I Could Be Somebody Else
I Wish I Could See You In Myself
Wish there Was Something Inside Me
To Keep You Beside Me And
Say What You Really Feel
You Know I Need Something That’s Real
I Wish there Was Something Inside Me
To Keep You Beside Me

I Wanna Know If I Could Be
Someone to Turn To
That Could Never Hurt You
But I Know What You Think Of Me
Yea, You Had a Break-Through
And Now I’m Just Bad News For You

I Wish I Could Be Somebody Else
I Wish I Could See You In Myself
Wish there Was Something Inside Me
To Keep You Beside Me And
Say What You Really Feel
You Know I Need Something That’s Real
I Wish there Was Something Inside Me
To Keep You Beside Me

I Should’ve Told You Everything
I Never Gave You Anything
I Should’ve Told You Everything
If I Could Give You Anything
You Know I’d Tell You Everything

I Wish I Could Be Somebody Else
I Wish I Could See You In Myself
Wish there Was Something Inside Me
To Keep You Beside Me And
Say What You Really Feel
You Know I Need Something That’s Real
Wish there Was Something Inside Me
To Keep You Beside Me

I Should’ve Told You Everything 3X

So…now about Tyler. I asked him on Friday, what exactly was going on between us, because half the people I know that know him, say they’ve asked him, and he likes me, and the other half, say they’ve asked him and he doesn’t. Obviously, I wanna believe the half that says he likes me. But I do believe the half that say he doesn’t. Tyler, was no help really, he said ‘Well what do you think’ I said ‘I don’t know! That’s why asking you!’ and it just kinda went from there. He likes I should follow my gut basically, and then the bell rang and he hugged me and then he left…and well….my gut says I should go out with him….(or it did until I saw Wyatt and met Michale, but that’s beside the point) so what may or may not happen, is that on Monday I’ll ask him out. damn, my life is a mess. Well, not my life life, but my love life.

Someday I’ll get it right, until then….I’ve always got PostSecret and WP.

-Jessica lynn

Everything is Gonna be Alright

September 21, 2007

Believe-YellowCard

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out
Never knowing you weren’t going to be coming down alive
But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing, only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go, the life that you know, just to bring it down alive
And you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

(Again today, we take into our hearts and minds those who perished on this site one year ago, and also those who came to toil in the rubble to bring order out of chaos, to help us make sense of our despair)

Wanna hold my wife when I get home
Wanna tell the kids they’ll never know how much I love to see them smile
Wanna make a change or two right now
Wanna live a life like you somehow
Wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day

(The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here)

So, here I am again. Back to life. But you know what. This song made me realize something today. Again.  It doesn’t really matter what happens, with Wyatt, with Tyler, with anyone. I mean come on, you only live once, what’s the point in moping over what you can’t have?

Anyways, Tyler has no objection to me kissing him, or at least that what he tells me, so it’ll go on until I quit liking him, or like someone better. At least that’s what I figure. YAY! A source of happieness, lolz. It’s just what I need right now, for reals.

But yeah, so I called Ty, again, ‘cuz I mean really, what the hell am I gonna do with my spare time? I took a shower, I’d read ’til I was dizzy, my dad had my pc, my mom had the TV. What was left? Well, that and I wanted to talk to him, duh. Lol. Too bad he can never talk very long. Not his fault, I just call kinda late ya know? Usually I get about a half hour or so before he’s gotta go. I’m not gonna complain, it prevents chunks of awkward silence. Something I’ve got way to much experience with.

I finially passed off my music and marching for this week. But when we did run-throughs I slaughtered my drill. It sucked big time. I felt like such an idiot! At least I didn’t fall though…that woulda really sucked.

Anyways…bedtime for Jessie-girl. She’s got 2 soccer games tomorrow and needs all the sleep she can get. later peeps.

-Jessica lynn