What a wonderful mess

January 12, 2009

Long time no see. I don’t even really know where to start.

Well, for one I just read Wyatt’s blog  for the first time since, well I don’t even know since when. It sounds like he’s not doing too good. Not too good at all. I wish I could help but…I don’t know how, and at this point I feel like trying to help, even with good intentions, would probably just make things worse. As much as I hate to admit it, the best thing I can do for him is leave him alone unless he asks for my help. On the off chance that happens, I’ll do everything I can…as it is, I just hope that somehow, things turn out ok.

On a different, much more selfish note; Kevin. I saw him on Friday. It was, I guess funny is the only way to describe what that was like. We acted kind of like we did when we first met. Speaking more through Katie than to each other. Both of us kind of shy. Neither one of us mentioned anything that had previously happened between us, including our ongoing silence. And as much as I just wanted to throw myself on him and cover him with hugs and kisses, I was just so happy to be able to talk to him. It was like, I dunno, a small sip of water when you’re stuck in a desert. Not enough, and horribly teasing, but you’re still greatful for what you got. If that makes any sense. I got that analogy from Ironside, although not word for word.

So between then and now several things have gone through my head. At first I decied that the best course of action would be to present Kevin with a choice, more of a dilemma really: Either he can honestly tell me he doesn’t want me-in which case I prolly go be pathetic and cry, but eventually get over myself; or he does want me-in which case we figure out what the hell is going on between us, and try to make it work. Realistically? I bet on him not knowing. The next day, after readingabout 300 pages of romance novels, I decided my best option was to basically ask him out….waay too bold, and waay stupid. Katie comfirmed that. First option made more sense. So of course after calling him, and him not answering, and me being too unsure of myself to leave a message just yet, I sat and thought things over. For one, I don’t really need him to be my boyfriend. As much as I want his love and continued caresses, they aren’t what I miss most about him. Not to be totally blunt but, it’s not too hard to find a guy that’s willing to commit physically to me. Well, maybe not commit, but you get the point. Don’t get me wrong I’m not that kind of girl, but if I really wanted that…well it could be done. What I really miss about Kevin is waking up and calling him at 6 in the morning. Having his voice be the first I hear, if only for 5 minutes. Having pointless endless philosophical discussions that never ended and never turned into fights. Talking about school, and listening to him, and sports, and exercise. And knowing we agreed, and that we both cared. Just, talking. And it was ok if we didn;t have anything to talk about. It wasn’t like we tried to fill the silence, but the silence wasn’t painful either. But never did we sit in silence, because we weren’t talking just to waste time, we were talking because we enjoyed it. We enjoyed each other. I miss the friend part of the idea of him being my boyfriend. Even though he was never mine. Furthermore, today I realized something else. If it meant I could talk to him, I would be willing to let him remain undecided on the matter of what the hell is going on between us. If he wanted, I’d even not mention it. Not even mention us kissing or anything like that. Now of course he couldn’t be off the hook that easy, I’d still be in love with him, at least for a while. And if he ever figured his own feelings out, it would still mean the world to me if he’d tell me what was going on. But…Kevin means more to me than physical affection.

So I’m not going to even try and call him again until this weekend. Partially because at this rate I’ll have an entirely different perspective by then. Partially because I have no desire to seem any more clingy than I already am. Partially due to finals, and my need to study. And also because it’s entirely likely I’ll lose my nerve, and perhaps, it’s better not to call him just yet. If he doesn’t want to talk to me yet, I should quit trying to force myself on him. If I do call him, I’ll leave a message then, and that will be that until I see him at New Jack. Which it looks like he might seriously go to. But that has some weird potential what with my parents going and all.

Again, on another note, David isn’t talking to me. I’m like 95% sure that’s my fault, the other 5% is because I know some of it isn’t. Although in all honesty I don’t know how much. I’m also pretty sure I was little harsher than I should’ve been the last time we talked and…well. That was a mistake, part of it was that in a kind of mean way I wanted to get back at him a little, show him that words can hurt even if the intention behind them isn’t mean. Mostly though, I was trying to make a point, one that I feel I’ve handled perhaps too gently in the past, because I didn’t want to hurt him. But…regaurdless of my reasons, and how I present them, I mean what I say. Perhaps not always, but in this case it’s so. I’m sorry. Probably, this won’t make a ton of sense to anyone but me. Oh well. In addition to that, while I am sincierely sorry for my being a scardey-cat, there’s is nothing that you can do to change that. And unfortunately, I don’t have any particular desire to change it myself. Better safe than sorry, and I’ve been sorry to many times for my liking.

I finally have a manner of friends. I see Katie regularly, I’m hoping Kevin and I can fix our broken relationship. The people I sit with at lunch didn’t reject me after I chopped my hair off. To the contrary, they like it. Additionally, Michael no longer gets so much as a second glance from me, although things are not as good as I wish if I feel the need to mention that. Wes has a girlfriend whom he seems to be utterly smitten with. Grats to him. Rock climbing and oceanography are going good. So as much as life sucks, it could be worse. I suppose there’s something to say for that. But perhaps, my eyes have simply adjusted to the dark.

Every Day

December 14, 2008

I feel more and more like I’m losing(or have already lost)everyone who ever cared about me.

It’s painful, and it’s unfair. And somehow, I feel like it’s all my fault. Not like I’d be surprised or anything but…I don’t know.

Everything just feels even worse than it already did because it’s the holidays. I mean, I’m alone. Yeah, right now. But, in life. Who do I turn to when I’m lonely? My journal. Why? Because the only people I care about either, won’t talk to me, aren’t there when I need them, or just make my problems worse by trying to help….at least I think they’re trying to help. I can live without a boyfriend, really. But, the reason I really want one, isn’t because I want someone in that way in my, it’s because Wyatt was by best friend. In every way. I could always talk to him. Ok, yeah, I still can, and he still helps, he’s still nice to me. But…it’s not the same. It’s defferent. And it’s obvious, and, of course, like everything else in the universe, it hurts. It’s not his fault though. I’m not his problem anymore. But…if not his…than who’s? Well obviously, I’m my own problem. So what happens when I need help?

God I’m so frustrated right now! I just want to scream and cry and throw a goddamn fit. It’s just, just, just EVERYTHING. I mean, if there was anyone to talk to I’d explain it to them. But nooo I’m all alone so I just have to talk to myself and hope it all works out ok.

I wrote 3 essays in the past 2 days, I’m a little burned out. That was more than 10 pages. And none of it was easy. *sigh* I’m just complaining, if you don;t want to read about how life sucks, please click “next blog” now, for more pain, keep reading.

I have to bake a cake for German class, and I wrote down a list of all the ingredients, so I could make it today, since I don;t have time during the week. My mom 1-got the wrong stuff and 2-says she wants me to make it the day b4….too bad it takes 2 days to make the cake. That’ll go over real well right?

I don;t understand my math homework, my grade in that class is slowly slipping, but try as hard as I can, and it’s just not helping. My parents are pissed, and I just feel defeated. I’m trying. Really. I wouldn’t spend an hour a night on math if I wasn’t trying.

Since it’s the holidays, my parents are fighting constantly. And since I’m so lonely I’ve been trying to actualy include them in my life. Like, you know, have actualy conversations with them. And you know what sucks? What really sucks about my life? Every time I try and have a goddamn conversation with my parents, they either start telling me how I need to go do my homework, or bring up my grades. Or they turn on the tv and tell me to shush. And then when I’m sitting in my room reading, or god forbid doing the homework they told me to, they yell at me to come have some family time. Talk to them, be more social. I mean I’m such a reculse right? Somebody help me. Somebody save me. I’m falling farther and farther. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m worried I’m going backwards. I think I hit the bottom and decided I’d rather dig myself deeper than wait for someone to dig me out, since obviously no one’s coming. I mean it’s only been 3 weeks since I’ve been able to talk to Kevin. That’s definately not too long. No reason to be upset about that right? Nothing wrong here. Nope everything is fucking perfect.

I wish my parents cared more. Then spend so much time worrying about my sister. They spend so much time talking to her, they do everything with her. They always compare me to her. Even in areas where I’m better than she ever was. And still it’s never good enough. What do they want from me? They tell me to be more abitious, they tell me to have more a life, they tell me there’s all these things they want from me. And so I go and try anhd do something and they tell me I’m already doing too much stuff. I can’t possibly fit anything else in my schedule. God forbid I actually did something they suggested I do for once.

Why does it feel so pathetic that I used to write this to the people I knew cared about me, and read this. And yet now, I feel so certain that the people I care about, don;t care about me. The only people who read this anymore don;t know me. They wouldn’t notice, or much less care if there was never another entry here because I’d died. It’s not like they’d know. Where did all of my friends go? did I reall have friends? Or was it all an illusion? So many things seem to be fake these days. Kevin was fake. He was so convincing too. Oh it hurt so bad. It still does truth be told. More now that I actually think about it. I can’t bottle this up inside forever. Something’s going to happen sooner or later. I worry more and more that the former is more likely than the latter. Oh, right. But you don’t care. Because nobody fucking cares about me anymore. I mean, if anybody really cared I’d be talking to them don;t you think? It’s not like I like talking to myself. But it’s also not like I’ve got any other option. Why talk at all then? Well because if I don;t I’ll do something stupid. Like….I don;t know. Cut. Jump off a bridge. Run away. I like the idea of running away. Less lethal. Lasts longer. Has more possible outcomes. But…if I run away then there’s never going to be any chance for any of this to get any better. And I want desperately for everything to be better. Oh, if Kevin would talk to me again. If all the conversations I had with Wyatt didn’t feel so forced, and awkward, and like he didn’t really even want to talk to me. If Alex ever answered her phone or returned her calls. If David would quit bringing up topics that hurt, or pissed me off, or were sex/relationship/anything I really don’t wanna talk about right now related. If Katie had more time, or showed up on my doorstep more often. If the people I reached out to at school would quit pushing me to the point where I quit trying to reach out and find a friend. Find someone. Find anyone.

All these ifs.

None of these things are going to happen.

They just…

are.

Too bad for me right?

OH god I have a headache again. And I’ve got a fever. And school tomorrow. Gotta turn in all those essays you know. Gotta go to school so I can get As so I can go to college so I can get a job that pays well so that…..so that I can get friends. A husband. Basically so I can upgrade my life. Too bad I’m pretty sure you have to have a life before you can upgrade it. I need to take some deep breaths. I need to make sure this doesn;t push me past hyperventalating to crying. I need to get a hold of myself.

I thought the whole Kevin shunning me was karma, for shunning Wyatt when we broke up. Now maybe it is. But…this has gone on so much longer than any fight, or anything I’ve ever had with anyone before. What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m not fucking perfect angel. But this is too much. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been a good girl about it, I haven;t gushed non-stop to anyone. Regardless of what people say I haven’t talked about Kev half as much as I want to. I haven’t really made this some huge problem everyone else has to deal with. And I kept my promise. I haven’t said a word to Kevin. Not a “hi” or a “pounce” or anything. And it’s fucking been 3 weeks. And you know what. On the 24th, if he still isn’t talking to me, I’m talking to him. Why? Well, think about it. At that point I’ll have known him almost 2 months, and have not talked to him in a month. Over half the time I’ve known him. Isn’t that enough? IF it’s not, I don;t think anything is. And god I’m going insane. Why can;t anyone see this? I’m drowing. Why won;t anyone save me? Why am I all alone in the dark? I don;t like the dark. And I hate being all oh so much. Oh please, oh god somebody please save me. I don;t know what I’m going to do if this goes on much longer.

It’s like I’m praying to the computer god or something. Oh great internet please send me somebody to save my sorry ass. Oh yeah, that’ll work great.

I don’t think I can keep typing. But I don;t think I can stop either. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes any sense. Besides waiting to talk to Kevin, I have no other direction in my life. Isn’t that a little sad? And what then? After I talk to him, and he either allows me or rejects me…what the fuck next? Well the holidays….alone. While my sister has John. My mom has my dad. Wyatt has Erica. Katie has Armin. Wes has Allison. Nick has Ashley. Oh the list just fucking goes on and on and on.

Somebody, anybody. I don;t think I even care if you can help anymore. Just…please. Keep me company. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I’m so scared I’ll never have anyone. And I’m so cold. I don’t know what to do. Or where to run anymore. Please…

Well…

March 16, 2008

I totally dun have the time to type this…BUT

I SAW WYATT TODAY! For like 5 hours! How awesome is that? He was here, we watched Moulin Rouge(i cant spell) we played mancala….that’s all you get to know w/out a VIP pass into my life. ^.^

-Jessica lynn

Guess What

March 4, 2008

I did something stupid again!  YAY ME!

Yeah, so, I was talking to Wyatt last night yeah? And I decided that I should prolly tell him about asking Ty out last year…just cuz..I dunno, I was just feeling guilty and kinda thought I’d maybe waited long enough that be wouldn’t hate me for it. Well…not so true. He’s really not happy about. More hurt than mad maybe, but definately upset.

So what can I do? I don’t know. It happened last year…but he actually asked me if I’d asked him out…and I lied to Wyatt’s face, told him no. Like what, and hour after I’d asked Ty out? How twisted is that?

But..I thought maybe..if I told Wyatt, maybe he’d understand…I think about now and…I was askin’ too much.

This is getting way bigger than I thought it would. People know about it, people I don’t always tell everything. Sam jumped on me about it this morning. She’s totally 100% on Wyatt’s side. I’m glad, but kinda lonely. After talkin’ to her she got me too, she always does in the end. But…she dissapointed, badly.

I crossed a line. And not just a little.

This is just a fucking mess. Clean up in asile 3?? Anybody?

*sigh* I need help…from myself.

This is going nowheres. I’ve gotta do something, but what??? This is where Sammi is supposed to pop up and tell me what’s going on, or that I’m dreaming, and that life is simple, and there’s nothing wrong. Well, my issues are real and my Sammi is not happy with me. Hell, I’m not happy with me!! I feel real bad. About this whole damn thing. Wish I’d never fucking met Tyler. I mean, like. Well…I can’t blame him. It’s my fault you know. And well..I just fucked up.

Personal goal in life: Quit fucking my life up. It has enough issues without my help.

I’m not doin’ so great for those of you who want to know/care. But I really doubt you do. I mean how many people that know me read this read? Wyatt I know. Other people sometimes…but eh. Not too much. I took my meds…soo, in a little while I’ll be asleep and none of this will matter anymore. So why does that sound so wrong and yet so nice?

Fuck. Wyatt doesn’t know who I am anymore. I  don’t know who I am anymore. Does anyone? I don’t even care really actually. I dug my own grave you know. I made Wyatt all that mattered in life, and then I told him all of my faults, and then I made some problems in addition to that. And then I told him about everything I’d dont he didn’t know. I was just asking  for him to find a reason not to want me anymore. It tears me up inside. Kinda like when we’re fighting. I know it’s bad before I hang up he doesn’t tell me he loves me. I know it’s really bad if I say it first and just says bye…or worse, last night he just hung up after I said I love you. And I know he heard me, there was a pause. And when I heard that phone click dead. That silence was like getting punched in the stomache. I mean yeah I deserved it. I know I deserved what I got. What he said on WP, what Sam said, the sinking feeling, the butterflies, everything. But..I can still hate it.

I’ve gotten better, we’ve been fighting more, which is bad. But I can hide that it hurts. How I feel about these fights hasn’t changed one goddamn bit since the beginnning of the year. But I can hide how I feel. It feels wrong on some levels. But it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I still have some control over myself.

Crying was prolly good for me. But I hated it so much. I could prolly say crying is good for me considering the state I’m in. But like I said, I’ve got more control. I’m still typing, my eyes are clear enough to see the screen. Little things like that. Oh, and my sis who’s in the same room can’t tell (jus cuz she’s not looking at me) I guess it’s easier for me now too becuz I did this to myself. So can jus hate myself, and that’s not really worth crying over.

I need to call Wyatt back. I’ll post again another day I bet. Later.

-Jessica lynn

Migrains

January 10, 2008

are pain from hell. Kinda like a riderless black horse set lose in your head…pounding.

I need a hug.

And better medication. Becuase yeah the Naproxyn kills the cramps…my migrains. Holy fuck the migrains.

I had a bad one today. I’m quitting track because I’m so scared of the mirgrains. Running gives me migrains…or makes em worse….so im kinda avoiding running these days. How am I gonna stay in shape? I’ll worry bout that later.

Biggest problem is it hurts. Like daggers behind my eyes. On like my head’s in a vice and somebody just keeps tightening it, a little at a time(or a lot). Just this fucking throbbing. And light, holy fuck, light. It hurts, it’s like ice picks in my eyes, stabbing my brain. It’s bad. And smells, and sounds. It just hurts. When I get a migrain I just wanna keel over and die. Preferably in a nice quiet, dark, room. Hold the incense and perfumes. And I get so sleepy. Fall asleep in class, or at lunch or wherever. I just get trashed. And the goddamned meds take too long to kick in…And ever if they help my head, they don’t usually clear my vision. It stays all nice and blurry. Makes all the people look all warm n fuzzy and pretty colored. But it hurts to look too long. Like for more than a half a second or so. Not to mention it puts me in a helluva bad mood. Imagine what I’m like with a migrain on my period. Like a bitch from hell.

Well…this white screen is startin to get to me….n I need to write my essay…you’ll hear from me later…about if I get Wyatt to go to Winter Formal…or if I get to see him or whatever.

-Jessica lynn

So…painful

January 9, 2008

I need hug

So…helluva yesterday, let me tell yous about it. Just a quick list, not to big on details at the moment.

In the morning I overslept by about a half hour, fed Kira instead of myself, didn’t even get coffee, and nearly missed the bus.

During school I got a killer migrain, and right after I took my migrain meds, I got my fucking period. So I skipped track, again.

I’m almost out of my Naproxyn, only 1.5 doses left. So I’m skipping tonight’s dose to help me with tomorrow.

I didn’t get to talk to Wyatt last night at all really. And I’m really hoping he’ll call back tonight. I called and his mom answered, I was pretty shocked. But she said she’d ask him to call me when he got home. He was supposed to be home at 5, and then go out to dinner. So who knows when he’ll call. I guess I’ll wait to try until 8ish.

Today wasn’t so bad, I had a speech n the first draft of an essay due. But when I got home, my mom ripped on me about my acne, not finishing making dinner, etc etc etc. I just wanted to eat….is that a crime?

Worst part though…ever since the other day…I’ve had Antwinette on my mind. Her and Wyatt(he’s not bad, he’s actually pretty awesome) so why’s this bad, right? Well…he said she was cuter than me. I’m hotter, but she’s cuter. And yeah, I’ll tell anybody to their face I’d rather be hott than cute any day. And yeah, for reals, I’d rather actually be wanted than just ‘easy on the eyes’. But seriously? That cut, deep. I’d love to be cute. I guess…nobody sees that part of me. I thought maybe Wyatt had. But…I never really told him, that’s pretty clear now. Somehow I always thought guys thought girls wearing oversized guys sweatshirts n such was cute. Obviously that’s just my own opinion. Somehow I thought being sleepy, or wearing my pjs to school sometimes was cute. I guess not. So many little things, most of which prolly go unnoticed, I do, just to try and be cute. I know I’m not your natural cutie pie girli girl. But…I kinda thought I didn’t have to try to hard either. I thought hott was something that would take effort. But the hell with this. I’ll live, right? I just wish I could talk to Wyatt. Yeah about this. But really? I don’t care. I just wanna hear his voice. I want him to make me feel better, like he used to. Like he still does.

-Jessica lynn

My Belated Xmas Gift

December 29, 2007

Wyatt came over today. For a couple hours.

Needless to say I am happy. Which is an understatment. I’m like freaking sky high. Even that isn’t good nuff. I don’t know what is.

Anyways, he was only here for 2 hours. He met Ki, his mom met Ki. (his mom like LOVES Ki. No joke.) Best 2 hours of my life so far >_< no details for the unknown internet people. So there. lol.

Sometime this week I get more piercings. And yeah. Alls well that ends well(dunno what that means)

-Jessica lynn

Breathe Me

December 27, 2007

Breathe Me-Sia 

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

If you read the lyrics, I don’t think there’s too much of a need for me to type anymore.

-P.S. Listening to it makes more sense

-Jessica lynn

Long time no post…

December 27, 2007

Just, damn. Not cool. So much, so wrong, so fast.

Maybe rewind a little first yes?

Ok, so last week, thursday, I got fed up with Blake treating me like a doormat and I broke up with him. For those of you who don’t know, he was ‘anti-hug’ and kiss, and he ignored me all the freaking time. So no more Blake. Semi-funny story, the last straw for me was when he told me I could borrow his sweatshirt over Winter Break….and then forgot it. That was just, not cool. So, I tried to talk to him about it. Got ignored. Got pissed. Dumped him. End of story, I’m happier now actually.

Wyatt was concerned as always. Very sweet. Gotta love him.

But anyways. All I’ve had on mind forever was if there was anyway to get back together with him…before next Februrary. Not so simple really. Especially when you consider I dumped him, and haven’t given him a single good reason to let me back into his life.

Anyways, the other night, Christmas night I think actually…I was talkin’ to him, about the future. About what it might be like if we did get back together. What I’d have to do to get his mom to like me again. Where we’d have to start over. Stuff like that. And the more we talked, the more I believed maybe it could happen. Maybe soon, like in the next month even. I was soo happy, like more so than I have been in a long time.

So, of course, I open my big trap while I’m all good ‘n’ happy, and ask him if he thinks it’ll really happen. “We need more time”  That’s about the time he ripped my heart out(about 3/4 of the way, the other 1/4 came out later) So…I, being wonderful emo girl of the world, start crying. Just tears, not sobbing(yet) I wait for it to stop before I try talking again. And when I do talk again, he’s not answering(he was asleep, but I didn’t find that out for another 22 hours) and well, I kinda get panicy. I wonder why he’s not answering me. I can hear him breathing, so he didn’t hit the mute, and he didn’t hang up. I check my phone, I didn’t hit the mute either. I start getting a little hysterical. I’m crying harder, I keep trying to talk to him, telling him I’m sorry, I’m not mad, begging him to talk to me. But he’s not answering. I’m freaking out, I’m crying, sobbing really, I’m scared, I don’t know what I did, I don’t know why he’s not answering me, I don’t know how he can’t say anything. After maybe 20 or 30 mintues(felt like years) my mom told me to get off te phone. So I did. And then I texted him. And called his cell, no answer. I called 5 more times before I crashed.

The next day, yesterday, I just called him over and over and over again all day. I called his cell every hour since I’d woken up. I called his home and his cell starting around 12. Nobody answered the home phone until around 5 or 6. Apparently nobody likes me enough over there enough to even answer the phone if Wyatt’s not home.

So anyways, when I finally got a hold of him, I found out he’d fallen asleep, and had no clue about my wonderful panic attack. I felt pretty stupid right about then.

That’s when I got to what was really killing me. How we’d talked so much about getting back together, and then he’d told me to wait again. I had to find out what was really going on here.

So, I tried to beat around the bush some, but that never works and I ended up flat out asking, like always. And I got the worst answer ever. It was so bad, I don’t even really remember it. I just remember think “Oh god, he means it, he really means it.” And I broke down(that’s where I lost the other 1/4 of my heart, and that part hurt the most) I finally understood he meant it. He was serious. No Wyatt. No hugs. No kisses. No boyfriend. I’m gonna be all alone until he changes his mind, or next Feb. And if he has a girlfriend by next Feb? Well, tough love for me. How am I supposed to react to that? I reacted the only way I know how. The most lowly, unacceptable, pathetic way I know how. I cried. Worse than the night before. I couldn’t talk anymore. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see. I was fucking falling apart. I hung up as quick as I could manage. And cried. Sobbed. Bawled. I don’t care what you call it. I was harsh. My eyes were red and puffy, and it hurt to see. My stomache hurt and I felt like barfing. I wanted to curl up in a little ball and die. If I couldn’t have Wyatt I didn’t wanna live. I didn’t wanna breath, because it hurt. I didn’t wanna think. All I wanted(besides my baby) was to know how he could do this? How he could just say he loved me and he was sorry? I mean, he had to be lieing right? How can you rip someone’s heart out, and shred it bit by bit into a million little pieces, and then turn around and say I love you I’m sorry??? Do you not see how that doesn’t cut it? How that’s not possible? How it’s not right? I was(am) insane with grief. But I still love him. I don’t wanna hurt him. I’m like a fucking slave to my own emotions. To my fucking loyalty issues. But I couldn’t let my parents hear. I didn’t even wanna think about what would happen if they knew I was crying. It took all the willpower I had not to just scream. To tear up my room and scream. Throw a fucking tantrum. But I couldn’t. I held it all in, and pulled myself back together. After I’d put myself mostly back together, and stopped the sobbing, was breathing evenly, and stopped most of the tears, I wiped my face off and called him back. If nothing else, I had to keep talking to him. I mean, I had to hold onto something or I’d totally lose it.

And that’s about when I started trying to guilt trip him. Not consciously, but still. It was just so low. I’m not sure how I can live with myself. He made it perfectly crystal clear he wasn’t going to have much of anything to do with me in the near future. But still I tried, still I pleaded. And he didn’t give in. And instead of hating him? I admired him. I fucking admired him being able to shut out my attempts to drag him back into my life. Being able to just ignore the crying and the begging. That I’d dropped lower than I ever had, or ever want to again, just to try and get him to consider taking me back.

In the end, maybe I got him to think about it. But I don’t really think it’ll get me anywhere. Maybe drag my hopes back up, and dash ’em a few more times. But not much more than that. But knowing that won’t make it any different. Everytime he reconsiders, I’ll think that maybe, just maybe he’s giving in. And everytime it’s not true I’ll hate myself for falling for the same thing again. And through it all I’ll love him. Through it all, I’ll wish he could be here with me, or I could be there with him. And he’ll tell me he wishes the same thing. And I’ll believe him. Even though it’s him keeping us apart.

I’m spent, I haven’t eaten anything I think since this happened. I think maybe the tears have stopped, if only because I’m not drinking enough to cry. But none of that matters. I’ll survive. Now I need to waste 401 days of my life. Year that’s right I counted. The rest of this month, plus a leap year, plus January of 09. Then I’ll get a second chance. Maybe. But I’ll wait. I gave him a second chance, and a third actually, maybe he’ll give me another chance too?

-Jessica lynn

But lemme tell you now, neither one of us is gonna like it.

So, I’m not sure how long it’s been since my last post, but things have gotten worse. They were getting better for a while there. And I really thought it was over, that we weren’t gonna have more fights. But ya know, I was wrong.

I’ve been trying really hard not to fight. I mean it. I let him say just about anything, and even if it pissed me off I just let it go. And if I couldn’t be nice to him, I tried not to talk too much, so that even if we weren’t really talking, at least I wasn’t bitching. You might be surprised how little it takes to get me bitchy. And maybe if you knew you’d realize how hard I tried not to hurt Wyatt, or piss him off. I guess maybe trying doesn’t count for much anymore does it?

So anyways, last night we went overboard. I’m not gonna place any blame. Hell, I don’t know who started it. I don’t even care. But anyways, we were talking about stuff, prolly about us fighting I think. And he said something about how all I cared about was me and Blake, and blah blah blah, we went off on that tangent. And I said something, and I really expected a response…and what do I get? Youtube links. Fucking youtube links. About some girls ass, and a bomb in the road. And then, he started talking about Guitar Maniac, and how he got silver, or gold, or some goddamn thing. I had it, I was hormonal, I was bitchy, I was ready to rip his fucking head off right then and there. But what did I say to him? NOTHING. I didn’t wanna fight. I didn’t him mad at me, and I sure as hell didn’t want it to be my fault. So of course, he goes on, you don’t care, etc etc etc. And I’m just sitting here, not gonna kill him not gonna kill him not gonna kill him. You know? So he just keeps talking, and I keep myself in check, but I’m sayin’ anything. Trying to be a good girl you know? Being minorly bitchy is ok if it’s because you’re preventing a full on explosion. Sometimes.

David gets on, I vent, I cool off. I talk to Wyatt some. Apologive for givin’ him the silent treatment, get some myself. Stay calm, stay nice. I don’t even know what the hell started it! Prolly I asked what was bugging him. If it was me, and he finally say yes(actually he said kinda) Now that didn’t me mad, but I wanted to fix it you know? I ask if I can fix it, and he says he doesn’t know. I mean come on, you guys know how it goes by now don’t you? I go on about how I’m trying to fucking fix this, and he’s doing nothing. And basically, I just got really pissed. Mostly hurt(yeah I’m so damn pathetic, everything hurts-oh fucking well) but it was the first time I got really pissed about this whole thing. He tries to tell me all I care about is myself and Blake. Well for one-I don’t to him about Blake-he brings Blake up all the time. That’s my fault how? And If I didn’t care about Wyatt, I would’ve stopped talking to him after we broke up. Yeah he’s my friend, yeah I love(d) talking to him. But these days it’s a real pain. I promised him we’d stay friends, and that promise ment something to me. That’s why I’m trying so hard to fix this, because normally moving on is something I’m very good at. Since I’m really used to people dropping, ditching, or leaving me. And even though Wyatt was something really damn special, the really damn special people are the ones that go away… Maybe that promise didn’t mean anything to him though. And I’m starting to see that. Especially since trying to fix our realationship is a totally one sided effort by me.

Only now, I’ve got Wyatt really pissed at me, he thinks I’m a total bitch. Which is pretty sad cuz I really haven’t been a bitch at all this past month or so. Or at least that’s how I feel. Actually, I feel like he wants this to happen. Now I realize that’s retarded, and there’s almost no chance that’s true. But I really feel like he couldn’t care less if he never heard from me again. In fact, like he might even be happier if I just let him be. Like a normal person. He’s my ex, he should be my past. Not my present, not my future. And I guess…maybe he’s right a little bit, I am kinda self centered, I don’t wanna let him go. It’s just so hard. Plus me promising to stay friends with him…I don’t wanna break a promise, and I really don’t wanna break a promise with Wyatt. I can’t explain really. But I wish I could. I wish I could explain why this is so hard on me. Why I trust him so much, why I love him so damn much. But I can’t, I don’t think any words could.

And I was hoping if I waited until today I’d be more rational about this. Less passionate, or bitchy, or whatever you wanna call it. But I’m not. Oh well.

I hate this, talking to me is like running blind in a minefield, and I don’t think Wyatt even knows it. And talking to him feel like walking through a minefield in broad daylight and not knowing if you’ll be alive after the next step. I don’t think he realizes that either! I wish I didn’t know it either.

So now here comes the list of other crap that went wrong in the last 24 hours.

I’ve got a migrain, so I skipped out on track and Samaras is gonna kill me tomorrow.

I didn’t get dinner. And I’m not going to….T_T 

Hannah has the flute solo AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN WANT IT!!

I miss that old ‘ontop of the world’ feeling I used to have…I had it with Wyatt you know…he made me feel like I mattered, like a was worth something. He gave me confidence. Now I’m not dissing Blake or anything. But he is not Wyatt. He’s not like head over heels for me or anything. He’s just a guy, with a girlfriend….and sure he cares, but I’m his life or anything like that. Hell, I might be even be too clingy for him….it’d really suck if he thought that. I don’t hang on him anywhere near as much as I did with Wyatt.  Blake doesn’t really get me…working on it, and I think he wants to, but he doesn’t yet.

I’m complaining too much…life doesn’t suck as much as I say it does….I’m alive right?

After I start listing things you know I’ve spent all the energy I can take on this. Or that I’m crying. Or that life sucks to much to go on…..Something kinda like that.

-Jessica lynn