Every Day

December 14, 2008

I feel more and more like I’m losing(or have already lost)everyone who ever cared about me.

It’s painful, and it’s unfair. And somehow, I feel like it’s all my fault. Not like I’d be surprised or anything but…I don’t know.

Everything just feels even worse than it already did because it’s the holidays. I mean, I’m alone. Yeah, right now. But, in life. Who do I turn to when I’m lonely? My journal. Why? Because the only people I care about either, won’t talk to me, aren’t there when I need them, or just make my problems worse by trying to help….at least I think they’re trying to help. I can live without a boyfriend, really. But, the reason I really want one, isn’t because I want someone in that way in my, it’s because Wyatt was by best friend. In every way. I could always talk to him. Ok, yeah, I still can, and he still helps, he’s still nice to me. But…it’s not the same. It’s defferent. And it’s obvious, and, of course, like everything else in the universe, it hurts. It’s not his fault though. I’m not his problem anymore. But…if not his…than who’s? Well obviously, I’m my own problem. So what happens when I need help?

God I’m so frustrated right now! I just want to scream and cry and throw a goddamn fit. It’s just, just, just EVERYTHING. I mean, if there was anyone to talk to I’d explain it to them. But nooo I’m all alone so I just have to talk to myself and hope it all works out ok.

I wrote 3 essays in the past 2 days, I’m a little burned out. That was more than 10 pages. And none of it was easy. *sigh* I’m just complaining, if you don;t want to read about how life sucks, please click “next blog” now, for more pain, keep reading.

I have to bake a cake for German class, and I wrote down a list of all the ingredients, so I could make it today, since I don;t have time during the week. My mom 1-got the wrong stuff and 2-says she wants me to make it the day b4….too bad it takes 2 days to make the cake. That’ll go over real well right?

I don;t understand my math homework, my grade in that class is slowly slipping, but try as hard as I can, and it’s just not helping. My parents are pissed, and I just feel defeated. I’m trying. Really. I wouldn’t spend an hour a night on math if I wasn’t trying.

Since it’s the holidays, my parents are fighting constantly. And since I’m so lonely I’ve been trying to actualy include them in my life. Like, you know, have actualy conversations with them. And you know what sucks? What really sucks about my life? Every time I try and have a goddamn conversation with my parents, they either start telling me how I need to go do my homework, or bring up my grades. Or they turn on the tv and tell me to shush. And then when I’m sitting in my room reading, or god forbid doing the homework they told me to, they yell at me to come have some family time. Talk to them, be more social. I mean I’m such a reculse right? Somebody help me. Somebody save me. I’m falling farther and farther. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m worried I’m going backwards. I think I hit the bottom and decided I’d rather dig myself deeper than wait for someone to dig me out, since obviously no one’s coming. I mean it’s only been 3 weeks since I’ve been able to talk to Kevin. That’s definately not too long. No reason to be upset about that right? Nothing wrong here. Nope everything is fucking perfect.

I wish my parents cared more. Then spend so much time worrying about my sister. They spend so much time talking to her, they do everything with her. They always compare me to her. Even in areas where I’m better than she ever was. And still it’s never good enough. What do they want from me? They tell me to be more abitious, they tell me to have more a life, they tell me there’s all these things they want from me. And so I go and try anhd do something and they tell me I’m already doing too much stuff. I can’t possibly fit anything else in my schedule. God forbid I actually did something they suggested I do for once.

Why does it feel so pathetic that I used to write this to the people I knew cared about me, and read this. And yet now, I feel so certain that the people I care about, don;t care about me. The only people who read this anymore don;t know me. They wouldn’t notice, or much less care if there was never another entry here because I’d died. It’s not like they’d know. Where did all of my friends go? did I reall have friends? Or was it all an illusion? So many things seem to be fake these days. Kevin was fake. He was so convincing too. Oh it hurt so bad. It still does truth be told. More now that I actually think about it. I can’t bottle this up inside forever. Something’s going to happen sooner or later. I worry more and more that the former is more likely than the latter. Oh, right. But you don’t care. Because nobody fucking cares about me anymore. I mean, if anybody really cared I’d be talking to them don;t you think? It’s not like I like talking to myself. But it’s also not like I’ve got any other option. Why talk at all then? Well because if I don;t I’ll do something stupid. Like….I don;t know. Cut. Jump off a bridge. Run away. I like the idea of running away. Less lethal. Lasts longer. Has more possible outcomes. But…if I run away then there’s never going to be any chance for any of this to get any better. And I want desperately for everything to be better. Oh, if Kevin would talk to me again. If all the conversations I had with Wyatt didn’t feel so forced, and awkward, and like he didn’t really even want to talk to me. If Alex ever answered her phone or returned her calls. If David would quit bringing up topics that hurt, or pissed me off, or were sex/relationship/anything I really don’t wanna talk about right now related. If Katie had more time, or showed up on my doorstep more often. If the people I reached out to at school would quit pushing me to the point where I quit trying to reach out and find a friend. Find someone. Find anyone.

All these ifs.

None of these things are going to happen.

They just…

are.

Too bad for me right?

OH god I have a headache again. And I’ve got a fever. And school tomorrow. Gotta turn in all those essays you know. Gotta go to school so I can get As so I can go to college so I can get a job that pays well so that…..so that I can get friends. A husband. Basically so I can upgrade my life. Too bad I’m pretty sure you have to have a life before you can upgrade it. I need to take some deep breaths. I need to make sure this doesn;t push me past hyperventalating to crying. I need to get a hold of myself.

I thought the whole Kevin shunning me was karma, for shunning Wyatt when we broke up. Now maybe it is. But…this has gone on so much longer than any fight, or anything I’ve ever had with anyone before. What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m not fucking perfect angel. But this is too much. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been a good girl about it, I haven;t gushed non-stop to anyone. Regardless of what people say I haven’t talked about Kev half as much as I want to. I haven’t really made this some huge problem everyone else has to deal with. And I kept my promise. I haven’t said a word to Kevin. Not a “hi” or a “pounce” or anything. And it’s fucking been 3 weeks. And you know what. On the 24th, if he still isn’t talking to me, I’m talking to him. Why? Well, think about it. At that point I’ll have known him almost 2 months, and have not talked to him in a month. Over half the time I’ve known him. Isn’t that enough? IF it’s not, I don;t think anything is. And god I’m going insane. Why can;t anyone see this? I’m drowing. Why won;t anyone save me? Why am I all alone in the dark? I don;t like the dark. And I hate being all oh so much. Oh please, oh god somebody please save me. I don;t know what I’m going to do if this goes on much longer.

It’s like I’m praying to the computer god or something. Oh great internet please send me somebody to save my sorry ass. Oh yeah, that’ll work great.

I don’t think I can keep typing. But I don;t think I can stop either. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing makes any sense. Besides waiting to talk to Kevin, I have no other direction in my life. Isn’t that a little sad? And what then? After I talk to him, and he either allows me or rejects me…what the fuck next? Well the holidays….alone. While my sister has John. My mom has my dad. Wyatt has Erica. Katie has Armin. Wes has Allison. Nick has Ashley. Oh the list just fucking goes on and on and on.

Somebody, anybody. I don;t think I even care if you can help anymore. Just…please. Keep me company. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I’m so scared I’ll never have anyone. And I’m so cold. I don’t know what to do. Or where to run anymore. Please…

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This is mostly…

December 11, 2008

Not even mostly really, but this is probably as close as I can get to how I feel about Kev. Maybe if I snag a few more songs I’ll have something more accurate; but for now, this is as close to home as we get.

Deb Talan-Tenderness

We did not ask how things were defined
Some pieces were missing but the puzzle looked fine
One day we look up from inside a song
Something felt more right
Something was wrong

Shouldn’t we regret love like this?
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

Months go by you with your wife
It takes time to disassemble a whole life
And I can’t ask you for anything, I take what I get
Aren’t other people and saints more than I deserve?
Or maybe it’s true I don’t deserve you

Should I regret a love like this?
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

It the end of an era so unexpected
Clear as the line on the palm of your hand
You and I we started to stumbling
Into the next dance we didn’t plan this
Death of our friends in the sand

We can’t regret a love like this
It’s not a shame its tenderness
But we made a mess
And that is how we will be remembered here
That is how we will be remembered here

Writing

December 10, 2008

Writing is the only balm I have for my pain. But even that isn’t enough.

Over and Over-3 Days Grace

I feel it everyday it’s all the same
It brings me down but I’m the one to blame
I’ve tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It’s dragging me down and I can’t pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try

So many thoughts that I can’t get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what’s best for me
But I want you instead
I’ll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don’t even try to

I’ve been writing as much as I can. I’m supposed to be writing an essay right now…but, I needed to type here first. WordPress has always been an amazing stress reliever for me. Lately I haven’t had the time. So now my hands are on the verge of being calloused from all the writing I’ve been doing. Gross right?

Both in my journal and, I’m writing a new book. Only I think this one is actually gonna get somewhere. If you ask I’ll show you, I don;t mind. It’s kind of pathetic, but great for wasting time. Anyways, I’ve wasted too much as it is. Perhaps I’ll have more time later, probably I’ll be writing about fictional stuff though, it’s much less painful than facing reality.

-Jess

If I Ain’t Got You

December 8, 2008

-Alicia Keys-

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what’s within
And I’ve been there before
But that life’s a bore
So full of the superficial

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that’s the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

[Outro:]
If I ain’t got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don’t mean a thing
If I ain’t got you with me baby

Have you ever…

November 24, 2008

Have you ever…had life seem incredibly perfect, only to have it crash down all around you? Have you ever felt like everything sucked and nothing would be ok, and then have the world light up? Have you ever felt like you were on an emotional rollercoaster that was headed for the clouds, only to have it fall back down? Have you ever been at the bottom looking up and had it dawn on you that this time the walls of your grave were too steep to climb?

I Gotta be Fucking Bipolar

October 22, 2008

I mean I had a great day right? Up until about 2 hours ago when I came home and cried. Makes perfect sense right?

God this is so confusing.

Ok, so I’ll start at the beginning and hope it works. Prolly I’ll forget a ton of stuff. So…whatever I don’t even care.

Morning, coffee, 1st per, Mr. Dorr’s class had issues with the drains, he fixed that, we took the stupid 2 hour test. Break, hugged Wes because I can’t not, he gives me a birthday present, I almost wish he hadn’t because it’s sweet and it made me just wanna kiss him and ya know….can’t do that. But anyways yeah, he made me a bracelt. One of those hemp ones I wish I knew how to make. And he made it yellow and pink >.< and I’m wearing it anyways *sigh* soccer, Edgar and Gustoff*sp?* won’t leave me alone, and other people are starting to come up to me and ask if I’ve noticed they like me. Which yeah, I have.

History we watched a movie….woot?

Anyways, mostly cuz of the bracelet at that point I pretty much sky high ya know? It was just a good day. Even if I didn’t make it sound like one.

So Wyatt asks if I’m goin to the College fiar thing tonight. And I’m like yeah, you? And he is, and I’m like maybe I’ll see you. And yeah.

So mom gets home and we leave. I’m driving. It goes downhill from here.

As I’m backing out the driveway some stupid jogger runs behind me and almost gets herself run over….that freaks me and my mom out. But it was ok. Only she just keeps flipping out. She flips out at the stop sign, the light, on the freeway, off the freeway. God I coulda killed her! Anyways, we get to Westview, I’m already in a bad mood. We get out, I try immediately to ditch my parents. No luck of course. So I’m just kind of pissed off on the inside-don’t-talk-to-me sorta thing you know? But also kinda subconciously/conciously looking for Wyatt. I was kinda hoping just a little bit that I might see him, give him a hug, and actually, really, for reals, in a way he might accept apologize to him, and, of course, talk. Not about anything important, just for the hell of it. Because I mean, being me, even though we are still friends, I really don’t think we’ll ever be able to pull off seeing each other as friends, like going to the movies or anything. So…basically, I dunno, I just wanted to see him and chat ya know? Get a chance to make nice. Maybe meet Erica*no, not to kill her* that sorta thing. Anyways, I did see him, in the mass of people, I was just like long time no see, and he’s like yeah. And then he was gone again. Aw fuck here I go again with the crying. Um, so yeah. Then I pretty much wandered around thinking about him. And my dad was talking to me about stuff, and I don’t really know where my mom was. My night was basically shot at that point.

Never eat strawberry cake when depressed. Does you no good besides making you wanna barf.

So yeah. Then, my parents dragged me in to look at the UCs. And of course, who do I see again? Wyatt. I don’t think he noticed me this time around. But I definately noticed him. It probably hurt so bad because it’s the first time I’ve seen him since…yeah.

And then we finally get to leave, and I’m totally in like a horrible mood at this point right?

So we walk outside. To the front of the school. And who do I see?  Wyatt.

Why god? Why? Why would someone do this to me. Again, I don’t think he even saw me. But I couldn’t even take my eyes off of him. So many things went through my head. Does he miss me like I miss him?-no he’s got a new girlfriend, what reason does he have to miss me?. Does he love her like he loved me?-I don’t even wanna know, I think I’d die. Why didn’t I treat him the way he deserved to be treated?-because I was an idiot, I am an idiot. Why can’t I stop thinking about him?-because I still love him, duh. Why do I still love him?-because I just kind of pretended he didn’t exist for a while, I never actually faced reality. Why am I crying now?-because I have to cry. He was amazing, he is amazing. I hurt him, I hurt myself. I fucked our whole relationship up. And why?-because I was scared, because I was worried if I gave him another chance and he didn’t change I’d lose the courage to tell him it wasn’t working, I’d give in for good. Why do I have to be so weak? Why can’t I answer all of my own questions??

So anyways. My parents made me drive home. And my mom was really mean to me. Which I didn’t need. When I got on the freeway, she said to my dad, that if this is my practice car he’s gonna be buying me a truck a lot sooner than he thinks. That hurt. I was actually doing a decent job of driving. And, you realize how upset I have to be for my mom to get under my skin? Especially about something as stupid as driving?

And we get home, I go in a grab Kira and hold her. I’m upset. I don’t even turn the lights on. My mom n dad come in talking, my mom whispers, I bet she’s probably a little upset she saw Wyatt you know. And I say you know I can hear you right? I almost started crying right then. But I didn’t. I had too feed Ki, and empty the dishwasher. About 10 minutes after we got home I took a shower. I just shut the door and leaned into it, I already had tears rolling down my cheeks, but I didn’t want them to hear me you know? So stripped and turned on the water, turned it up way high hot as it gets, and stepped in. I sank to the floor and let the spray hit my back as I sobbed.

I don’t know how long I was in there, but eventually, I knew my parents were gonna start telling me to get out…but I was still crying. So…how to stop once you start? I gave myself a couple brisk slaps, got my face nice n red too. It hurt pretty bad. Actually helped a little too. And I turned the water on real cold and splashed my face real good. I was still weeping a little, but I went to my room to get dressed. And of course I turned on some music…cuz it’s what I do. And..my luck. Bubbly comes on. And I started all over again! Goddamnit! Do you know how much that sucks?? Just lying on the floor sobbing? Normally I just weep, but nooo I had to sob. WTF?! Anyways, eventually I came down and ate. And now I’m having cake and spilling my guts to myself. But of course all I really want is to talk to Wyatt who’s not even on aim right now. But I don’t think calling him is a good idea. So what am I gonna do?

What do I want to do?

*sigh*

No more.

Night I guess

-Jess

I got rejected….again

But really who’s surprised? It’s not like I really thought it was gonna work. Only I did. Or at least I wanted it too. Way more than I thought I did. Somehow, knowing something isn’t gonna happen hurts so much more than just assuming it won’t.

I’m just in some kind of emotional rut right now. More like a goddamn trench. I mean what the fuck is going on here? I just feel like crying. Why??? Why do I wanna cry? Why do I feel neglected.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE MY BIRTHDAY?!

I mean come on, it’s not like I asked for this. I just wanted somebody I could hug and kiss. And talk to a little bit. Was that too much? *yes* It’s just that every time I find someone that actually interests me, it can’t work. It’s like a fucking law. I don’t want to wait 3 years for another perfect guy. I just want somebody who isn’t gonna hurt me. Who’s here, now…and yet I read that and I realize even that’s too much to ask.

I mean…when you talk to people, and the only reason they have for not wanting to to you is “I don’t want a girlfriend right now.” I mean, that’s just like the nice verzion of “I don’t wanna date you.” Right? Because I’m sorry, but there aren’t many teenages who don’t want a date. Hormones are pretty killer.

Only then there’s the possiblilty he really means it. In which case…if he ever changes his mind…will he even think of me? God I hope so. But who am I kidding? Why can’t I just be more open minded about who I’m gonna date? Why do I just fall head over heels for people I’m never gonna get? Ok, so I got over Michael…mostly. And Jordan, and Chase, and so many other guys. But why the fuck can’t I just pick a guy that likes me? A sure shot. God I hate myself. I hate that I eat so much. I hate that guys don’t like me. Or at least that the ones I like don’t like me. I hate that I’m bold enough to actually ask so I constantly get rejected. I hate that I get rejected so much that I’m fucking used to it by now. I hate that I’m not underweight anymore. I hate that I keep getting injured. I hate that I get picked on. I hate that I can’t concentrate. I hate that guys matter so much to me. I hate that I don’t know how to make this better. I hate that I’m tired. I hate that I’m a caffine addict, and that I get migrains. I hate that I get so upset so damn easily.

What’s happening to me?

I’m falling apart. I hardly even care anymore. It hurts, but it’s almost like I’m numb. So why do I feel like crying? Why doesn’t this make any sense? God I need a drink. I need to study. I need to sleep. I’ll feel better in the morning probably. *sigh*

Why

Well….I killed my own train of thought. Thank god. I might finished/continue this later. I dunno.

I don’t feel any better I don’t think. But I’m less frustrated, and just kinda depressed now….is that an improvement?

I’ll get over it. But for now, it sucks.

-Jess

Yeah, long time no see

October 19, 2008

Umm…how long has it been exactly?

Anyways, hi. I’m feeling less mad at the world now. Guys don’t fail that bad. lol I just spent like the last hour reading Wyatt’s wordpress from start to finish. Dunno why exactly. But I felt like it. *shrugs* The first say half maybe made me feel pretty good actually. And, if any of you even know what my old wp looked like, you’ll notice that I redid it. We’ll see how long this one sticks lol.

But yeah, life is pretty…well…life-like I guess. I’ve been single for like 6 months now. And…emotionally, I’m pretty ok with that. Again, emotionally, I don’t even really want another boyfriend. But physically….I’m like dying. lol. And I did manage to find a guy that I actually like. Like as a person, not like Michael, in the sense that his personality sucks, but I would so do him any day of the week >.< yeah. Pretty sick I know. I met a guy who’s passably cute, and has a great personality. What I need to do is quit comparing people to Wyatt. Once I can stop doing that, things will be easier. Because nobody is gonna be just like him. And I should know that by now.

*sigh*

So, hopefully, sometime in the near future I’ll have a new cuddle-buddy. If I do, that’ll help me with so many things…I hope. Like, potentially I’ll be thinking more about said cuddle-buddy than Wyatt. Which would be nice you know. And, I’ll have cuddles, and I mean come on. A girl needs cuddles. Especially me. hehe. And what else….oh, the cuddles will make me happier. And last I checked being happy was a good thing. So. Yeah.

Soccer owns, bitchy soccer players fail though. Oh, they also hurt. So….yeah.

I guess maybe I’ll post again later. I’d forgotten how soothing typing is/was w/e. I missed it >.< that shouldn’t be possible.

-Jess

Guess what

September 10, 2008

Guys suck. Ok so maybe not all of them…but in general? Do I even have to ask

One Year Six Months Ago

August 28, 2008

Was prolly the best time of my life. Give or take some time of course.

One Year Six Months-YellowCard

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget

I’m falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

I can tell that you don’t know me anymore
It’s easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we’ll forget, I hope we don’t forget

I’m falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you

So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I’ve got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you

I’m falling into memories of you ,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you, and things we used to do

And babe, I know you know this is for you. And last I checked you agreed. Love you always, and don’t you ever forget it. I might not always love you how you want me to, but you’ll always be my best friend. We can fight like cats and dogs, but it only makes us closer.*in the long run of course 😉 * Ask me anything, any time, anywhere. I’ll be there for you as much as I can, and sometimes even when I can’t. You’ve done as much for me. Live your life a little without me though. Cuz someday I won’t be there. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can only do so much, and it’s not enough. Meet some girls, have some fun. I know you know I’m not all there is to life. If you asked me out again I’d still say yes. But we need some time. When you said that to me before I didn’t understand. I was stupid, blind, and more than a little lonely. If I’d listened things would have gone differently. Maybe better, maybe worse, too bad we’ll never know. But we gotta take what life gives us and run with it. Life goes on. Maybe later we can try again. Maybe not. We’ll see what’s in the cards. You know that third times the charm don’tcha? Heh, one can only hope. But if we don’t, I won’t blame you. I’ll just thank you, for helping me with more than I ever knew I needed help with. For giving me hope when I had none. And more than anything, for loving me when I didn’t even know what love was yet. You were my teacher, and maybe I was yours. You were my love. And you will always be my friend.

I’m done with the mushy gushy stuff. Mostly just because I need to get ready for soccer and not so much because I’m done. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

-Jess